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ADVICE NEEDED ASAP I'M GOING CRAZY


Guest kero
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Here’s the situation run down:

Nearly a year ago, I dated a guy that I didn’t like. In the spur of the moment, when he confessed to me, I got excited and ended up accepting. However, I realized the next day that I had no feelings for him and was already starting to stress out about it. I actually kind of hated him, but started telling myself to not once I started dating him. I’ve come to realize that I really look for wit and brain in people that I like, and he tended to have some dumb moments and I couldn’t stand it. However, I felt really bad about irresponsibly getting his hopes up and ended up dating him for 2 months out of guilt. When I finally dumped him it was such a burden off of my chest and I was happy to not be constantly stressing over him anymore.

A good couple of months passed, and I remained in touch with him as friends. He invited me out to see fireworks once, and I dumbly accepted because I was bored. It was just the two of us, and I could FEEL the romantic tension as we were sitting and watching the fireworks go up (nothing happened though). Afterwards, I reflected and told myself to not do things that might lead him on. The next time we saw it each other was at a birthday party- we were in the same friend group. He asked me the day prior to “be ready”, to which I was like “…” because there was no context. He came early to the party (which was at my house), something that was nearly unheard of on his part since he was the type to always be late to things. It was awkward of course, but nothing happened and people eventually trickled in and the party was underway. Finally, after everybody else had left, he finally did too. I noticed he had left something of his at my house (looking back, I suspect it was on purpose) so I called him and told him I could give it to him later. Instead, he ended up coming back to my house to pick it up. After stalling for a bit, he ended up confessing to me again. I immediately rejected him because I definitely did not want a rerun of the time we had dated. In addition, I was crushing on the guy I worked my shift with at my job. 

Despite the rejection, I treated him normally as a friend, and we remained on really good terms. We saw each other through different school events and such, and had fun. 

Towards the end up summer, my other friend set me up with a girl (he knew that I was bi). I agreed out of curiosity, plus the guy I had been crushing on had moved away so he was out of the picture. With her, things picked up very quickly and we had a very fun relationship. There was this one date were we made out in the middle of the school parking lot at night that was quite memorable :)) However, she ended up telling me a few days later that the realization that she was straight  “hit her like a truck” when we started kissing. This was admittedly pretty hurtful, not in a personal way, just in general. She went on to explain that she didn’t have romantic feelings for me but still….enjoyed the relationship we had. I was pretty confused as to where the line was and what exactly our relationship was, but I went with it since we were both content with it. I decided that if I started to really like her, then I would break things off before it started to hurt me. 

A few weeks into school, my ex started ignoring me out of nowhere. Since we had been fine for several months, I was rather upset and didn’t know why he had started doing that. At first, I just brushed it off and told myself that he probably had personal problems he was dealing with, etc. However, after a while it became clear that there was probably some issue that had something to do with me. I ended up confiding in a friend that was close to both my ex and I, and asked her if she knew what was going on. It turns that nobody knew, but my friend was shocked he was ignoring me since we had essentially been buds right until he started ignoring me. She agreed to help me get him to explain to me why he was acting the way he was, so I could have some peace of mind and not jump to weird conclusions about the entire situation. 

A couple weeks into being ignored, I started to wonder if I actually liked my ex now. I’m not sure if it’s because he started ignoring me, but the whole concept of playing “hard to get” and all that worked embarrassingly well, even though that wasn’t his intention. Before I realized it, I was constantly thinking about him and wondering if I had done something to make him ignore me. It was ripping me up inside. Coincidentally, one day, when I walked into the school bathroom stall I noticed that there was a sticky note pasted on the door. It said: “don’t go back to your ex”. I almost laughed at how targeted it was to me.  Despite this random advice from a stranger, I couldn’t bring myself to stop considering what it would be like to date him again. I started to lose my mind since I had nobody to really talk to about the whole issue. I had told my friends about what happened with my ex, but in a negative light, since I really did not like my ex when I related the story to them. I felt embarrassed to tell them that I actually might like him now, after everything I had said. 

I landed myself in the hospital recently due to some health complications, but returned after about 3 days. Immediately after I got home, I got a text from my helper friend about if I was home. I said yes, and then my ex and her ended up showing up at my house shortly afterwards. I’m embarrassed to say how happy I was to see him- I may or may not have imagined a scenario like this while I was sitting in the hospital. My friend told me that my ex almost drove all the way to the hospital I had been staying in (nearly an hour away). I……was pretty happy about that one…..bruh. But anyhow, this was the first time I actually had the chance to talk to him in nearly a month. I thought that I would finally get some answers, but this guy kept on responding with “Next question” to anything I asked. After nearly thirty minutes we had gotten nowhere. Frustrating. However, after that interaction, I started to feel like I wasn’t hated, at least. 

Around this time I started to seriously consider breaking up with my girlfriend and try confessing to my ex. I never was super infatuated my girlfriend, but my feelings for her had definitely been growing over the course of the past three months. I’ve realized that with romance, I can never go 100% for anybody unless I like them first. Whenever I’m asked out by somebody, I end up liking the fact that the person likes me, not the person themself. However, through parties and dinner and such, I started to realize how cute she was, and the concept of breaking up with her became harder to consider.

Recently, he returned to Discord (messaging app), and I finally got the chance to start talking to him (though it was group chat). We ended up in a voice call together, me with my camera on. Surprisingly, he didn’t leave the call and we were hanging out in the there silently working on college applications until nearly 4 am. My friend was also in the call, and through the light conversation we had I started being swayed again….did I really like him now? Or was it that my fantasies made him out to be somebody he wasn’t while I didn’t talk to the person himself while he ignored me? Would I just end up regretting it if I asked him out again- would it be a repeat of the first time we dated??? I had so many questions yet nobody to consult about it. I was also worried about how the people around me would react. They would probably ridicule me, for going back to somebody I had dumped. Not to mention, I was worried about how my relation with my girlfriend would change if I broke up with her. Is it selfish to hope for a friendship even after dumping her? I feel that she would definitely complain to her friends that I had dumped her for my ex, who I had talked to her about. Probably something along the lines of being a hypocrite, since I had gone on about the things that I didn’t like about him. 

Just yesterday, my ex avoided me. hard. We were officers in the same club, and had to go to a restaurant for a sponsorship. I arrived well after him and some others got there. I walked in with my friend (the one that’s close with both me and him), and we pulled up chairs to the table everybody else was sitting at. However, not 2 minutes after I sat down. He packed up his stuff and left. I kind of had to hold it together while I was with everybody else, but it hurt. 0 subtlety- I felt hated. I cried on the way home, and now I’m here.

I really want to discuss my new feelings for my ex with somebody, but I’ve promised myself not to do that unless I break up with her first. I don’t want to two time her. But until, then it’s so excruciating mentally. I seriously don’t have room in my head to like two people, and I don’t know what to do. 

I want to hang out with my ex more to test my feelings for him, but the issue is that he keeps on avoiding me and I have no patience anymore because I need to do SOMETHING about these feelings. 

I have no idea what I should do. 

Here’s what I would want to do, if consequences weren’t an issue: Break up with my girlfriend and try confessing to my ex. 

Problems with that: The social backlash, I might get rejected by him anyways because maybe he hates me I have no idea, even if I do get with him what if I quickly regret it? What if I end up wishing I was still with my girlfriend? 

 

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If he's deliberately avoiding you, it seems very unlikely that he'd be interested in restarting your relationship.  Don't sabotage what you already have over an unlikely possibility.

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