Blake Posted September 6, 2021 Share Posted September 6, 2021 -TW: Tough talk- Ok everyone who is reading this, this will be a long post, but I finally am in a good place to have this conversation. I know full well that I am aro and ace, no doubt in my mind at all. So my sexual and romantic identity are check. Now, my gender identity has always been a conversation that I avoided having with myself. This is my safe space and I trust everyone here enough to ask for advice. First, I know that I am the only one with the answer, but that doesn't mean I want to know outside opinions so I can deconstruct it and get to my own conclusions. I am a scientist and I believe in experimentation Second, I have age majority so I can see a therapist (which I will do when I find one that is trustworthy and have expertise in queer clients). This means for me that I have a household to go, or I can find one if things don't go the way I want them to go. Third, I am looking for a job that pays me well for having a bachelor degree so I can get money for my masters, so currently unemployed but not for long since I put my grown up pants on and will begin looking for jobs tomorrow 8am. Now for the issue at hand: my gender identity. I don't love myself, I don't love my body since I had 12 years, and I am now on mid twenties. That is a little over half my life not loving what I see in the mirror. However, I tried to remedy it by doing excercises, taking martial arts, running 5km daily. It helped, i got fit, i could see myself in a mirror at least or when bathing. But the thing was that I wasn't satisfied. I yearned to be in a female body, have boobs, a vagina, uterus, long hair, use makeup. But I couldn't. I could not have those things at 12 years old. The reason was my father and the culture I was raised in. It ingrained in me that I was a man. That being a women was being inferior. I won't speak of my childhood more, just that it wasn't an ideal environment for me to be myself. So I chose to not be myself and be what my parents (my father in particular) wanted me to be. Just like that, I repressed a part of me. It was in order to survive in the environment I was being raised. The other option was to embrace myself and let all hell break out and maybe be disown at 15 years old and be in the streets. Idk, that is the route I did not choose so I can only speculate. The point being that I shut down myself to act like the person my family wanted me to be. Now, at 22-23 I realized I was aro and at 24 that I was ace. My gender identity was "men" till 18 and when I went to college I started opening myself more to labels and chose androgynous. The reason being that I did not feel like a man, but also I could not be a women, cuz I wasn't born one. (I know that this is a simplistic way of thinking but it was what I thought at the moment) I knew I wasn't really a man. I could not be a women, so that left me with the middle (if we see it as binary), and for a while that worked out. But now, after having some time outside of the influences of my parents (9 months) I began working out with my gender identity. The thing is that I do not know if I should say I am transgender. For fear of giving bad stereotypes, or realizing I wasn't and if I started speaking about it and then I said I wasn't ot would be hell for me cuz then everything will be said that I was "in a phase; I would grow out of it; etc" and that is not the purpose. I want to be 1000% sure before speaking it out loud to anyone close to me. I want to be confident, and speak with facts, with hard boiled truth without a grain of clumsiness. I will see a therapist and speak about this in the near future, but I want advice on how to know if I would be trans or not. This leads to the second issue: Because I do not like the binary at all, I would be non-binary trans, and that is something I have zero experience with. So anyone who can tell me how that would work and I can explain it without recurring to the internet I will be grateful. I would be amab: assigned male at birth. If anything. So I would be an aroace non-binary trans??? Idk... I don't want to speak it to anyone for fear of rejection. I am begging to shave all days to see if I can make my shadow beard dissapear naturally. I am letting my hair be shoulder lenght. Will buy some makeup to put my face more androgynous or even maybe femenine. I will surely experiment with myself since I am now in a good environment, but I wanted to know the opinions from anyone here. Thanks for reading and o/ <---(this is a waving person) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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