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Questioning gender/dealing with gender dysphoria (slight TMI warning)


NotHeartless
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Hey guys,
I've started to question my gender (again). About me and my development so far:
I'm AFAB but don't identify with it. For some time, I have experimented with being a transgender man, dressing masculine, behaving more masculine, he/him pronouns, a new nickname and even passing, without hormones. I've felt some euphoria when someone addressed me as "young man". However, I came to the conclusion that behaving masculine is just another mask I've put on and I don't feel like my authentic self. I feel discomfort with both (female/male) stereotypes, especially when it comes to behaviour and interests. I hate it how people question your masculinity and even start to bring you down when you express certain characteristics, like being kind, caring or sensitive.
I feel disguised and like I'm playing a role. As teen, I labeled my gender identity as "neutral" because I didn't know about the non-binary spectrum back then and it felt very right for me.

This is all fine and dandy because I still like to present gender neutral or more masculine in my appearance and find it funny when people can't tell "what" I am. But I still experience gender dysphoria, in the following way(s):
I have heavy bottom dysphoria. I don't like to touch myself down there, I feel uncomfortable when I see "it" (under the shower, for example) and don't get me started on the period. I'm familiar with chest dysphoria too, but I don't bind anymore because I hate how uncomfortable it is (I don't have much chest anyway).
I don't have the desire to become pregnant and even get upset when people assume I *could* become pregnant (because my body is biological capable of it but I think I would die inside if it actually happened. Not exaggerating). I generally experience much dysphoria whenever I come in contact with things that are coded female in our society and are assigned to me automatically.
I have discarded the idea of altering my body (already reached out for professional help) because for once, I'm afraid of it and can't tell if it would bring me actual relief (not having to deal with the period anymore for sure, but everyhting else? Idk, cause I don't long for very masculine apperances, like a beard or broad shoulders. I don't care about it).
For second, I can't imagine taking hormones for many years or even until death. The thought of being so depended on meds scares the hell out of me.

For some time now, I just ignored my gender and lived life as if everything is fine, even like a cis-woman for some months. For some time, I even did not experience severe dysphoria and was very relieved about it. But it comes back again, and again and again. No matter how I dress or how I behave. Yesterday, I have started to read a book about non-binary individuals that were, like me, AFAB. I could relate to many experiences they shared and it hurts so much. I can't remain neutral when I read it and I'm wondering why.
Someone in the book wrote "I'm a boy with a vigina" and that sentence somehow stuck with me. Thing is, meanwhile I'm just tired of heaving to deal with gender dysphoria and would prefer if it would just go away and never come back. But I can't make it go away permanently and it brings much suffering into my life. I've told myself I just need to be myself, to me gender is a social construct and it doesn't make sense to me on many levels (as in I don't understand why trait xy is described as "female" or "male").
But still, there are these unpleasant feelings I can't shake off and it drives me crazy on some days.
Do you have any advice or would like to share your own experience with gender dysphoria and how you handle it? I'm thankful for every answer because it's a heavy burden and I often feel alone with my complex feelings.

Edited by NotHeartless
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Hey ? I'm sorry you have to deal with all these feelings, but please know you're not alone! Discovering more about yourself can be beautiful, but that doesn't negate all the challenges that come with wanting to live authentically in a society that largely ignores your truth.

If I had to give any advice, I'd encourage you to learn more about other nonbinary people and gender nonconformity more broadly speaking. I found that seeing nonbinary, gnc, and trans people "in the real world' (even if it is just on social media!) also really helped me understand the complexities of identity, gender, and expression and how that might help me figure things out for myself. And having conversations with other trans and/or nonbinary people can certainly make you feel less alone (which can help you better handle dysphoria and find ways to alleviate it). 

Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat more :)  

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