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can someone help me find out my aromantic identity?


cheemzchurgerz
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Hi so, I know for sure I don't experience romantic attraction. I like to imagine myself in a relationship and I like romantic gestures such as a date or marriage proposal but whenever I'm in a relationship, I am so incredibly uncomfortable. I don't even know how to describe romantic attraction because I have no idea if I've even felt it. Sometimes I just see a cool person who I deem attractive and I think I mistake attraction for wanting to be someones friend. 

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Hey there ^^, so let's start with a base. Like many here, I struggle with the concept of attraction. However, I can help you. What I think romantic attraction is like an urge to do romantic coded actions toward a person or a group of persons with specific characteristics. You mentioned that you like some romantic gestures, maybe not all. But you don't like being in a relationship.

Ask yourself, would it make a difference if its a specific person that you imagine yourself doing the romantic gestures, or can it be anyone? Do you think that you would feel uncomfortable in any relationship regardless of how much you know the person? If you know the person very well, would you consider that you would not be uncomfortable with that person? Also, would you be in a relationship if it was established that no romance will occur from the start?

Heteronormativity and amatonormativity play a role here too. Do you feel attracted toward a specific trait of the person? Someone helped me by asking if I was unconsciously making myself feel attracted to a person because of their intelligence (a trait in particular) and not because I was attracted toward the person. Not all questions are equally important but they can help you get to know you better and find the answer within you. I can't say what is your romantic attraction, but if you dig here it may help you. Hope I could be of help and lots of good vibes.

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In addition to all the stuff mentioned earlier, I'd read through the threads on this site titled "You might be aro if..." and "early signs you were aro." It's super helpful to think through your past experiences and think about the kinds of relationships you may want, but I found that doing that didn't totally make me comfortable identifying as aro because of how challenging it is to think through everything. There was something very comforting about reading through those threads and seeing how much I related to what everyone posted, and that feeling of comfort helped me get the confidence and insight to claim the aro label. 

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