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Guest Anonymous

Squish or crush?

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Guest Anonymous

So I’m pretty sure that I’m both Ace and Aromatic. I’m still pretty young (mid/late teens) so hopefully not too soon to know? But I’ve definitely never felt sexual attraction and I don’t think I’ve felt romantic attraction. I don’t really understand what it should feel like, anyway.
Well, I have this one friend and I think I have a squish for her (or on her? I don’t know the proper term sorry). I really wish I could spend more time with her and love her personality; she’s so interesting to talk to! But I don’t feel attracted to her appearance or anything, tho I know she is bi so she wouldn’t mind dating a girl if I did like her (and she liked me) but I don’t think that’s what I’d want. The idea of dating someone makes no sense to me, anyway. Plus, I don’t like the idea of kissing her or anything and the thought wouldn’t have crossed my mind, but I’ve found myself thinking about her and now I’m panicking that it’s a crush. How am I supposed to know if my feelings are romantic? I’ve been told romantic attraction is when you want to spend time with the other person. But can what I’m feeling just be a squish if I’m not attracted to her? I would ask one of my other friends, but no one knows that I think I’m Aro; they probably think I’m straight or just a weirdo.

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Hi! I definitely don’t think you’re too young to start identifying as aromantic. I began identifying as aro/ace at age 15, and now that I’m 18, those feeling still haven’t changed. But just remember, even if you no longer feel a connection to the orientation for whatever reason, it’s not a big deal. Orientations can be confusing and if a-spec is a stepping stone on your way to finding out how you prefer to identify, that’s absolutely okay! 
On that note, the way you describe your feelings for your friends sounds like a common aro experience, and if it were me, I’d say it was a squish. You also said you didn’t necessarily find her aesthetically attractive, and I wanted to point out that, while common, it isn’t always present in romantic attraction.

Yes, romantic attraction does include wanting to spend time with the person, but so do platonic attractions. The way my allo friends and family have described romantic attraction is as follows: 
There is a certain infatuation that overcomes you regarding the person you are attracted to. You cannot get them out of your mind, to the point where it can become annoying. Many people will fantasize about their crush, usually in scenarios that involve kissing, cuddling, dating, flirting, and sometimes even marriage and kids. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re feeling romantic attraction if you experience any of those things just listed. 

To be completely honest, most alloromantic people describe romantic attraction as something you just “know” is romantic. An inherent knowledge that you have a crush on the person. Because of this, my general aromantic rule of thumb is, if you don’t “know”, then it’s probably not romantic.

Also, if you’re panicking that it’s a crush, then it’s probably not lol.
 

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1. as already said, you are not too young.

2. romantic attraction is not wanting to spend time with someone. I want to spend time with my dad.

Its fine that you want to spend time with her and not be romantically attracted.

It might be worth loooking deeper into types of attraction, for example seeing if how you feel is a better fit with how people describe aesthetic attraction or alterous attraction. If you can find a term that better decribes how you feel than romantic attraction that might help.

Edited by roboticanary

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