Is there an opposite of recipromantic/where do I fit?

[Guest Recipno]

Hi everyone,

this may sound ridiculous, but I'm afraid I'm really odd or lying to myself and I have no idea where I might fit in.

The thing is: I'm not attracted to people who aren't attracted to me. Ever.
Sounds like I might be recipromantic, yes?
Well, yes and no.
It is probably accurate for how I work when relationships start - I have an acquaintance or ideally a friend, they express romantic/sexual interest in me, I figure a relationship with this person would be acceptable (and I hate being alone; it severely decreases my quality of life for various reasons), I hype myself up, and if we decide to enter a relationship, I put in the work to make it a good relationship. I grow to love them. Etc.
Thus far, recipromantic feels like it is a close enough description?
However.
If they clarify that they do not like me romantically (I can't read minds, obviously, I've been mistaken before), or the relationship ends because they lost their feelings for me:
I IMMEDIATELY lose all romantic feelings for them. And I do mean immediately.
(If I lose a friend in the process or have been otherwise hurt, of course I'll still be sad. But I've never wished that anyone would take me back, even if we had been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, because I wouldn't have those feelings for them anymore.)
And apparently that's not "how humans work"?!
I've been told that this sounds horrible, and that it doesn't work that way, or that I must be very cold-hearted and not have cared about them at all ... etc.

It's making me feel like there's something severely wrong with me.

Can anyone relate or has anyone heard of people with similar experiences?

[Ch0c0]

Hello.

Don't take the criticism and drama to heart. You care about the situation so you are likely a good person. But you are the way you are, full stop.

If you don't like your situation you could try getting some help but from a professional.

I don't think that it is that unusual to loose interest when you realize that a case is closed. It helps to turn the page. Some people are quicker than others doing so. Some other people need another romance to forget the first one, one month or one day later (those last can also be the target of sarcasms).

I don't have romantic attraction but my other attractions are also strongly influenced by some key parameters. The first parameter is mutual respect and the next is dialogue. If I can't get some kind of reciprocity I get hurt and that shock simply cuts the line. My therapist told me that I have issues with 'rejection' and tbh it explains a lot of things about me. But it rather means that I'm oversensitive and certainly not heartless.

Edited September 20, 2020 by Ch0c0

[Rolo]

On 9/19/2020 at 12:23 AM, Guest Recipno said:

Can anyone relate or has anyone heard of people with similar experiences?

I've seen other people describe similar experiences, normally teenagers/younger adults who are just experiencing limerence/infatuation not deeper love, or are "in love with idea of love" not the actual person.

 

On 9/19/2020 at 12:23 AM, Guest Recipno said:

And apparently that's not "how humans work"?!

Nonsense. The human experience is very varied, we don't all work the same way. I don't even think your experience is all that extraordinary. I was told that by someone when I was explaining that I don't grieve when someone I love dies, my response was "well I'm a human and it's how I work so you are clearly very wrong you moron" (ok I didn't say "you moron", but it was heavily implied).

[Guest Recipno]

On 9/20/2020 at 10:16 AM, Ch0c0 said:

I don't have romantic attraction but my other attractions are also strongly influenced by some key parameters. The first parameter is mutual respect and the next is dialogue. If I can't get some kind of reciprocity I get hurt and that shock simply cuts the line. My therapist told me that I have issues with 'rejection' and tbh it explains a lot of things about me. But it rather means that I'm oversensitive and certainly not heartless.

Considering I handle rejection about as well as the next person with ADHD (which is to say "I don't"), that is an interesting thought.

However, given how many people are usually deeply hurt by rejection, shouldn't this be a more common experience if that were the cause? And given the reactions I have gotten, this does not appear to be very common? 

 

On 9/22/2020 at 6:29 PM, Rolo said:

I've seen other people describe similar experiences, normally teenagers/younger adults who are just experiencing limerence/infatuation not deeper love, or are "in love with idea of love" not the actual person.

 

Nonsense. The human experience is very varied, we don't all work the same way. I don't even think your experience is all that extraordinary. I was told that by someone when I was explaining that I don't grieve when someone I love dies, my response was "well I'm a human and it's how I work so you are clearly very wrong you moron" (ok I didn't say "you moron", but it was heavily implied).

Suffice it to say that I don't even need.to ask your cut-off age for "teenager/young adult" to be reasonably certain I am past it.

If you mean to imply that I have only ever experienced infatuation and not deeper love ... I find that unlikely.

By "infatuation", do you mean the same thing as a "crush" or "romantic attraction" in this case? 

From my understanding of infatuation  I do not believe I could have built relationships lasting multiple years on it. But I may be wrong. 

 

I am human and work this way, therefore this is how humans work?That is as logical as it is unhelpful. While it may be true in a strict interpretation of the word, this does not mean my experience is either common or readily understood by other humans. 

Given that the "this is not how humans work" sentiment was in more than one instance expressed by humans identifying as aspec, I came to the conclusion that it must be rather uncommon.

 

Am I mistaken? If so, what about all those cultural narratives about unrequited love and unrequited crushes and the pain and agony they bring? I have never experienced that. 

 

Also: does the idea that if I am able to turn off my feelings like that, they never were "real" feelings (real romantic attraction in this case, I suppose) ring true? 

(If so, then what were those feelings?)

 

Thank you both for your replies thus far.

[Rolo]

4 hours ago, Guest Recipno said:

If you mean to imply that I have only ever experienced infatuation and not deeper love ... I find that unlikely.

I didn't mean to imply anything, I was just answering the question

4 hours ago, Guest Recipno said:

I am human and work this way, therefore this is how humans work?That is as logical as it is unhelpful. While it may be true in a strict interpretation of the word, this does not mean my experience is either common or readily understood by other humans. 

Sorry you don't find it helpful, I hope you find something that is. It may well  be very uncommon, I have no idea... but so is aromanticism, so you are in good company regardless.

4 hours ago, Guest Recipno said:

Also: does the idea that if I am able to turn off my feelings like that, they never were "real" feelings (real romantic attraction in this case, I suppose) ring true?

Not to me.

 

[Guest LyricalLuke]

Hi, posting as a guest because I have the exact same question. 

It's the only part of my romantic orientation that I don't fully understand yet. I consulted the wikia page for recipromantic but its definition didn't quite fit me. It's apparently the orientation of "someone who does not experience romantic attraction unless they know that the other person is romantically attracted to them first."

Idk how to unhighlight text lol oh well. But yeah, I was like ok that's valid but that's just not me. They dob't have to feel attracted to me first, there just has to be a bond there. For me personally, I feel ceetain that I'm demiromantic. More specifically I feel apresromantic, because not only does there have to be a bond first, but also another specific type of attraction too. Where it gets a bit complicated for me is that it doesn't HAVE to be reciprocated, but when it's NOT reciprocated, my attraction for that person goes away in almost the exact same way you described it. For me personally, it doesn't always go away instantly, but it's more or less immediately enough anyway, like within a day or so at most. 

Unfortunately I cannot seem to find any name for this specifically. I feel like apres and demi could be umbrella terms that encompass the experience, but I'm a bit disheartened to be unable to find an exact term for our experiences. If I am unable to find a term for ot then I might just coin one myself. Maybe it could be called dissipromantic? It rhymes with recipromantic and the two are similar, but the "dissip" prefix comes from "dissipate", like when our feelings dissipate when they're not reciprocated, if that makes sense. I will try to find out if this term exists already, but if it doesn't and there's no other word for it then I'm calling dibbs lol. 

Sorry if I was unable to help at all, but good luck and keep on shining. Happy Pride Month! ?️‍?

[Guest The Answer]

There is a page for this now. This is called keepromantic. https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Keepromantic