Aromantic/asexual after a disease... Anyone?

[Meemee]

Hi everyone, what a nice surprise to find this forum!

I’m writing here to find out if other people have experienced the same thing as me : as it need a bit of explaining sorry long message coming.

Also English isn’t my first language so if I happen to commit an offence to your language’s beautiful grammar I apologise hehe.

 

I’m 30 and have been aro&ace for about 9 years now. I don’t mean that I figured out my identity 9 years ago,  I mean I literally became like this when I used to be “normal” before (forgive the poor wording choice, I definitely use it as a shortcut not a judgment).

The thing is that I fell very, very ill in my early 20’s and it messed up my hormones’ level quite heavily. What I got is still a big unknown (type of hepatitis probably, maybe, doctors aren’t sure) but I’m now considered completely cured even if I still have a couple of symptoms very lightly hanging around.

But since that illness I turned out to become ace and aro! 

I’ve had a couple of happy romantic and sexual relationships, crushes and fantasies etc before getting sick but since that nothing at all...

It took me a while to figure out what I had become, I even tried a relationship with a guy I quite liked because I didn’t know I had changed and was a bit confused. I quickly understood that something wasn’t working though, especially regarding sex, I kept thinking : “Why in the hell people do that for, and why did I used to want this?!”.

As you can imagine the relationship didn’t last long haha.

After a while I found using this miracle that is internet that I was aromantic asexual. No drama, I was quite happy to just be able to put a  word on the thing and know that other people were like me.

Even if it took me a few years to feel “legitimately” aromantic and asexual as it wasn’t how I was born I’m now very happy with my identity and actually find it extremely liberating. Having being on both sides I can tell you I absolutely love being like I am now and wouldn’t want to go back.

I even have nightmares sometimes in which I start to fall in love and find it very upsetting as I can feel it happening, whithin the dream I’m like :”Hoooo nonononono!”. Always happy to wake up from those XD

I love the freedom being aro and ace gives me, not having to care to appeal to a potential love or sexual partner and never being tied up by a relationship. I can be truely myself, and enjoy amazing friendships without feeling awkward (except when the other part is interested and I didn’t notice the signs, even the obvious ones, oopsie!).

Love is an interesting matter but I very much prefer to go without it, to me it takes at much as it gives. It forces one to compromise one’s identity (even in happy/healthy relationships) because one has to change even a little bit to make things work. I see so many people putting their dreams aside to keep a relationship working (I did it too) as they feel that their love is worth it, and maybe it is after all I’m not here to decide...  Love is a trap, a lovely one maybe but a trap nonetheless! (It goes without saying that I do not discuss this specific matter with my friends or many other people, I reckon they would just see me as pedantic and having a “superiority complex” haha).

The only downside is of course the part when other people might not understand that no, it’s not about “finding the right person” or not that I have been raped when I was a child, or that I’m a closeted lesbian in deny and I’m now used to have them explaining to me what I actually feel because you know, of course they know better than me. Also not wanting kids (I find the idea of being pregnant revolting and the only way I would have kids is by borrowing some from other people for a week or so per year, not a very popular opinion I’m afraid haha) I’ve been used to hear : “A woman without children is like a tree with no roots” and all that kind of rubbish.

Anyway  I’m not going to explain that part to you, you’ve probably heard it all before.

But I can’t complain really, I’m lucky enough to have family and friends who understand me plus probably having a “good reason” (= a medical condition) makes it more easily acceptable for the “general public” and compare to other aro and or ace.

I have a question though: 

Is there anyone that you know of how became aro/ace after a disease or is it your own story too?

I’m curious about it but also a bit uncomfortable because I don’t want others to think I imply being aro and or ace is the result of something wrong in your body, some that could be cured. I know it to be the case for me but totally believe/respect others who were born this way, I even feel for them to have had to go through those stupid teenage years being different, that must be tough...

As this forum looks filled with respectful and understanding people I thought it could be a good place to talk about it. 

Thanks for reading!

[Planet]

Hello there

I guess I'm just here to validate that a lot can happen to a person who has experienced extreme illness. My sister contracted a rare virus that attacked her central nervous system and it changed her forever. It didn't make her aromantic/asexual but it did change her personality. She lost some of her IQ but she gained incredible empathy. (She's still smart, but before the illness she was a genius.) Before her illness she was kind of...uh...not the nicest person. But after her illness, she suddenly had incredible empathy towards others. Now she has a gift for really tuning in to others and she's an incredible listener. And she's just...so kind...kind in a way that goes beyond normal kindness. 

Anyway, I guess all that was just to say that I believe you when you say you became aro/ace after your illness. 

Also, welcome to the forum  

 

 

[Autumn]

I was born aroace myself, but I've been lurking around the aro community long enough to know you're not the only one who became aroace due to some notable event in their lives. If you find the label useful in describing your experiences now are glad for it, then I'm happy for you and welcome you to the community! Like the person above me I believe you and think that's totally valid.

[Meemee]

Thank you very much you two for your answers, I have to say that it is nice to be welcomed like this and makes me even more confident with how I feel and identify ?

It’s really strange and interesting to see how personality and identity aren’t things as fixed as we could think.

Planet : I appreciate you sharing your experience about your sister, I had never heard of a drastic change like this before, that’s amazing.  In the same idea I’m much more patient, understanding and non judgmental since I’ve been sick. I used to be a bit bitchy as a joke to make people laugh and I’m now unable to do it... Sometimes illness is for the best I guess!

I guess science still has a long way to go before we understand the complexity of the human body!

Thanks again