Am I Gray or Nah?

[Planet]

Maybe it's only for me to determine if I'm truly on the aromantic spectrum or not but I'm still curious to hear your thoughts. 

I don't know the correct term for this but I'm definitely "platonically-oriented." As in, even though I have experienced romantic attraction in the past, romantic relationships just don't do it for me. They pale in comparison to QPR relationships. When I think of the most special, intense, and satisfying relationship for myself....I think of the 'soulmate friend'....an earth-shatteringly close, cosmically-connected relationship with a *best friend.* And I've come to realize that I am unable to get as close in romantic relationships as I can in best friend relationships. I do enjoy romantic relationships but again these relationships pale in comparison to QPR type relationships. 

I've never been in love. And I have no concept of romantic love. Actually, I doubt that it's even a real thing. I think love is love. It's always platonic. Sometimes people experience it along with romantic attraction and sometimes people don't. But of course. That could just be my gray-ness talking? Maybe it's just that I'm unable to understand or experience the romantic version of love. 

I can experience romantic attraction though. Usually it's weak, muddled, and confusing...a sort of vague sense that I'm experiencing something other than friendship feelings. Also, my romantic feelings usually fade very quickly. Even the one time the romantic attraction was clear and strong, the feelings evaporated within a week. And romantic feelings always feel...somehow fake or wrong or coming from an unhealthy place. They feel. Almost like an unhealthy coping mechanism. Or something. They never feel deep, real, solid, grounded, or substantial. If that makes any sense. 

My squishes on the other hand...especially the QPR squishes....they're clear, solid, & substantial. They feel like *real* feelings. Not some BS pseudo-feelings that my psyche concocted for whatever reason. 

I feel like I can't be on the aromantic spectrum because I've been romantically attracted to people too many times for that. But also, I feel like an incredibly platonic being and I relate so much to the things people say on this forum. In high school when everyone was obsessed with getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend I was obsessed with getting a best friend. 

There's actually a lot more I could say but this is already so long. If you've read to this point, thank you so much and I appreciate any thoughts you have. 

P.S. Just to be clear, I can love intensely. It's just that that love is always platonic. 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by Planet
grammar

[roboticanary]

As you say at the start, maybe it is up to you. I would say it is, you define what best fits you.

One important thing,

2 hours ago, Planet said:

feel like I can't be on the aromantic spectrum because I've been romantically attracted to people too many times for that

You can be on the aromantic spectrum. It is, after all, a spectrum. your romantic attraction, even if it is sometimes there that does not prevent you from taking your place here. Alloromantic people do not tend to describe their romantic feelings as weak, confusing, muddled, fade very quickly or refer to them as BS pseudo feelings.

Since grey aro is by design an area somewhere between aromantic and romantic it sounds like a good fit. I won't tell you that it is you, that is up to you to figure out, but it seems a reasonable label given what you have described.

 

As an aside

you say:

2 hours ago, Planet said:

my romantic feelings usually fade very quickly. Even the one time the romantic attraction was clear and strong, the feelings evaporated within a week

What I would suggest is having a look at the idea of frayromantic, that has some connection with romantic relationships that fade after getting to know people so maybe an identity similar to that is something to consider. There is another term which is about feelings that dissapear as the initial joy/excitement goes, I think it was 'post rubor', something like that, probably on a list of romantic types. They might not be an exact fit but maybe one of these terms might help put your relation to romance into words.

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by roboticanary
grammar

[Planet]

@roboticanary Thank you so much for replying! I appreciate it so much!  This is all still confusing for me and I' still trying to figure things out. Also, I'm just very much trying to find other people like me because I've felt so different for so long.