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chairdesklamp

Reluctant to Let Go of A ID I Fought For Since the '90s But It Barely Fits

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Posted (edited)

Bi is the ID. I hate the word "laaaaaaaabelllls" because the idea behind that term came from later 20th Century attempts to erace anything beyond straight and gay by telling us it was dehumanising, like being a product. Which was often seen in media as characters who presented bi being said to "not like laaaaaaaabelllls uwu" 

Long post because I'm looking for terminology and need to throroughly explain everything I'm trying to name.

In the '90s, I was, of course, brainwashed multiple different ways by amatonormativity and blindsided by the loneliness of being the only East Asian immigrant around (I was even living with the white and right-wing/Nazist and chaser side of my family, I'm Hapa. So I was even alone in my *house*) and all the racism that comes with that, including severe targeting by staff, and I went through three high schools. 

What ended up happening was anyone who was kind to me + aesthetically pleasing (not according to conventional standards, often heavily influenced by things like kind facial expressions and demeanours) I read my feelings as romantic and sexual for lack of frame of reference. 

People I ended up with were people that showed interest in me and I basically agreed out of lonliness and trust as well as positive platonic feelings. Although I only realise this looking back. Well, they all wanted a Japanese meal ticket to rape and beat. Staying was often a combination of feeling trapped due to lack of confidence (gaslighting that I needed them to survive when it was actually them living off me) 

I saw someone on Tumbler talk about bi-ace bridges forming in the '70s and '80s because of  ace people going "no attraction to men or women"= "same attraction to both" (it was a very binarist period, so outdated understanding of gender, but it's historically appropriate. I claimed bi under this poor understanding, but as people my age tend to identify with the binary at really high rates due to growing up this way, NB people my age are rare, I would still stick to bi just because I know it'd be at least two but I can't say about *all.*)

So my aesthetic attraction, which is definitely a thing, works for at least two genders. Women I feel it towards are a bit more common than men because it's a broader range for them. And again, I lack frame of reference beyond that. (I'm not really attracted to significantly younger people, either) 

However, there's this certain type of relationship I do want, I'm not sure if the feeling in this hypothetical relationship is platonic or alterous instead of romantic. Any lean toward wanting exclusivity is purely an STD/HIV prevention concern. I don't really understand monogamous impulses (I have a best friend, big sister I always wanted, who is very monogamous because it's in her religion, so I get that, but I can't personally relate to things like jealousy unless there's an unhealthy dynamic reason, like "better than you" statements are being used or jealousy develops due to neglect in favour of another partner) 

I'm not sure if it's alterous or I'm doing the "this is something else because of external criteria" 

I know I'm cupiosexual, based on what cupioromantic means. I don't experience sexual attraction, but I can enjoy the act with someone I wholly trust (I'm part Asian and trans, as well as a DV/SA survivor, and some things people use bigotry to call disgusting and undesirable, like hearing impaired, short, fat, so trust must be strong and is key) 

I'd want cuddling, which I used to lay on my dad and watch TV as a kid, so I don't really see that as limited by anything but general closeness.

I hate kissing, which is probably an ace thing, and I'd just want to do fun things and have deep conversations with this person otherwise. And emotionally lean on each other in rough times, which I see as vital to any close bond, barring ones where it can't go both ways due to large age gaps/age hierarchy. Which are not peer relationships and are hence unsuitable for anything I'm talking about.

I'd want two or three nights a week together, but never live together. That's a sure fire way to get your place in your name stolen from you, from which I still haven't recovered. When I get a real place that feels like a home instead of the terrible place I have now that costs a mortgage, no one will ever live with me again, period.

The thing is, I can only see this relationship with another guy. Again, it's based on criteria like "someone who understands things like drinking out of the soda bottle to save a glass and eating cold leftovers" (even though proper hygiene and a decently kept house is a must. I don't want one of those people who only bathes for sex) The feeling toward wanting another guy is pretty similar behind wanting another cigarette smoker who doesn't use any street drugs and doesn't like to get drunk, because that's me. Which I'm not sure is how orientation works for allos. A lower level concern is cultural competency-- being half East Asian, being someone who immigrated from Japan/ East Asia sometime during American mandatory schooling age, being fluent in something I am and English is tollerable but I've faced so much bigotry for not being a barely-literate native monolingual that it's last choice, even if I'm used to it, and the necessity of cultural acceptance in lieu of cultural competency are all concerns that have the same emotion or logic behind them as the gender requirement. Which again, I don't think is anything like orientation. It's more like "this is something I want to be on the same wavelength about." (Even though most of my cishet closer friends are female) Kinda like how some people want to match on religion.

I have no idea what kind of relationship I just described. I know my aesthetic attraction is bi, but I don't know what the one relevant to this is. Is it truly homo-whatever, or does the fact that it's same gender due to criterion I can name cancel that out? I feel like I'm describing something definitely different than a QPR and a little different than a basic FWB that alloros might have as some kind of temp arrangement and then it morphs, ends, or they get angry about it because they're weird. Plus sex isn't the emphasised part. And since alloros don't value friendship, I assume common FWBs for them are mostly about the B and less F. This would be emphasis on the bond. Sexual activity is just a thing that can be done. 

I know it's my decision to ID as I feel, but can anyone give me verbiage for all this? The reason people 35+ tend not to identify this way and cram themselves into amatonormativity as I did until last year is because of lack of awareness and names for these things. 

Edited by chairdesklamp

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Your preference for men seem more about practicality than a platonic attraction to that gender. So maybe if you want to use the bi gender you could say you're biplatonic and bi- aesthetic.

Good luck!

Edited by Holmbo

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