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~Aurora~

Hi, slowly coming to terms I may be aro

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Posted (edited)

Hi,

been  skulking around here for a couple months now but thought I would finally say hi.

Ive been debating if I am on the aro spectrum for a little while now and am slowly coming to terms with it.

Currently I am calling myself grey aro but closer to aro as I have had a handful (could easily count on my fingers) 'crushes' in my life I know thats not many with being 23, plus they faded extremely quickly in all but 1 case which goes away till I next see them before going away again. Also becoming aware that some those may well be squishes of I want to be closer friends with you, but they have all been on guys.

Although I like the idea of a relationship of sharing life with someone and supporting each other I feel uncomfortable when talking about anything beyond a friendship with a guy (and I know i would only have a relationship with a guy). I also find traditional romantic activities such as surprise gestures of flowers and valentines day just silly or embarrassing and have no interest in kissing at all, and even feel very awkward when seeing people do that in real life or films (only having got past the look away when I got to about 15/16 I still do sometimes).

I think my main worry with being aro (I am also ace) is that in the future I will end up being pretty lonely when others start having families and also getting married making me stand out and just not fit in. Plus I like the idea of assuming I didnt find a relationship I was comfortable with, of adopting a couple of kids which then has the problem of working full time and looking after them and finances because of one income making it harder.

So debating if a QPR is right for me or what as I know it would be very hard to find someone else also liking that or even a support platonic friend (without the QPR part) also wanting the same things to work together.  Although I am not apposed to a romantic relationship if I did find someone who I had a crush on (unlikely as its been a pretty long time aside from 1) I feels unlikely that I would be able to stick with it and feel comfortable in the relationship. i think my best option would be an alterous relationship but as its not well known it might be hard to do.

As you can see im still pretty confused on what this will mean in the future for me and worry about it a bit. And also if im really aro or if im to emotionly scared to let myself have feelings for someone (I am someone who very much bottles up emotions and struggles to understand them) and being a non huggy person who isnt romantic has got me confused as to if I am aro.

Sorry if I dont make much sense as Im still trying to understand myself.

Also any others in the UK feel free to say hi or let me know if there are any aro groups/meet ups anywhere (after the virus)

Edited by ~Aurora~
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Welcome :) We're glad to have you.

It's really tough to want to be a parent and want close relationships in societies where that's frowned upon unless you're romantically involved with someone. It's damaging to many family structures and to happiness, so I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I've struggled a lot with this impending inevitable loneliness. It's unfortunately a huge sociocultural barrier, often written into law directly and indirectly. It'll take a long time to fight for but it's still possible and I know of people who live these kinds of lives now, even if they're in the tiny minority.

I'm glad you've reached out while you're still questioning! I think many people here (and in person, once meetup groups resume) will be able to support you. I'm only aware of an aro group in London (HERE), and two general a-spec groups in England (HERE and HERE). I'm not in the area but those may be a start.

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