Aromantic or heteromantic?

[Haze]

Hello, I hope this post has its right here !

 

So basically i'm kinda confused but I identify myself as aromantic and asexual. Precisely, the terms that fit me the most is aegoromantic (and aegosexual but i don't think it's relevant here) which means that I enjoy the idea of romance as long as it doesn't involve me. I love reading fanfictions and I can enjoy a good romance in tv shows (if it's not forced) but when I try to think of me in a romance, I always find myself uncomfortable and I could never picture it clearly. The fact is that I had some squishes (I think I can call it that) on the past on both girls and boys in real life but I alway find myself more attracted (physically) to guys (for example; with celebrities or fictional characters) and I wonder if it's related to being aromantic (which means that since i'm a girl, I unintentionally avoid other females because it reminds me of myself)  or if i'm maybe heteromantic ? Or some of you also experience aesthetic attraction to one gender in particular ?  

 

I hope that what I said was clear enough 

[John Rando]

Well, there is a lot of room in the gray area of the aro and ace spectrums. As a lithromantic I couldn't say if I'm more alloromantic (since I have crushes) or more aromantic (since I don't desire romantic relationship at all). But honnestly, I don't care, because the important thing it means for my life is that I don't date nor intend to. And that is not what normative alloromantics are supposed to do.

And by the way there are a people that identify as hetero-oriented aroaces, either because of sexual, romantic, platonic, alterous, aesthetic or undetermined attraction or desire or because of what they do or daydream to. So anything goes and everyone is valid !

I do experience aesthetic attraction more often for women than men. But I have romantic and sexual attraction for this gender, so probably not helpfull.

Edited June 8, 2020 by John Rando

[Haze]

55 minutes ago, John Rando said:

there are a people that identify as hetero-oriented aroaces

That might be my case then. It's very confusing but thank you for your reply ! 

[Blake]

Hey there, so you identify as  aego-romantic/-sexual. That is good, now the beauty of an identity is that it is not explicitly something, and you don't need to fulfill certain characteristics to be able to call yourself something. If you say you are, then you are and no one can say otherwise, because it is your identity. Just wanted to let you know that. Now on the topic, you have to think that attraction is not something that can be defined easily, it has many different elements (here if you want more info about the SAM model which isn't perfect but is a start).

So since you have many elements, it is not straightforward, think of it like a soup: You have water, pepper, salt, veggies, maybe meat, etc. And you don't have the same quantity of salt than of water or meat, you need balance in the flavor, and for that you need to have different quantities. But what is more, the flavor compliment each other, the salt influence the meat it gives it some of its components, and so on with others ingredients. The salt blends into the soup, the pepper too, every ingredient is special because it adds up to the final product. Now think of attractions as ingredients, you may have a loooot of sensual attraction, but almost nothing or nothing of sexual attraction, and maybe a hint of aesthetic attraction. If you see it as separate, you see only a part of it, a characteristic, but if you see it as a whole, you will see that your attraction influence one another.

Now idk about your life choices, or where you live (it may influence a bit of how you see the world) but I know that you can choose what you want to do with yourself. To answer your question, yes being aromantic can influence who you are attracted, but so can other things. You are aro, but you also are ace, and both play a role in what you want for yourself. You know that you don't want romance, maybe not sex either, but maybe you want someone that has x characteristic (they is dorky, attentive, big muscles?, soft heart, has lore of a certain game you love,...,...) and that characteristic can be fulfilled by this kind of person.

Finally, you may not be attracted by a certain gender because of what you think people/family will think, and that is valid because you may fear the judgement of people around you. There is nothing wrong with having doubts, you have all your dear life to discover the whys of yourself ^^ So no rush mate, if you wanna hold hands with x person do so, if you wanna just watch a movie cuddling/no cuddling then go ahead. If you are unsure of what it may feel to do x thing, you can experiment and do it, maybe its for you or maybe not, but guessing what it may feel like will not make you any closer to the answer (just no murder someone please, that is frown upon by society and police may get you and prosecute you and then you won't be here to talk in the forums.) So yeah, long post but if it can help you then yay!

[Guest Likewise]

13 hours ago, Haze said:

I love reading fanfictions and I can enjoy a good romance in tv shows (if it's not forced) but when I try to think of me in a romance, I always find myself uncomfortable and I could never picture it clearly

I had this too(fanfictions are wildly entertaining to me because they're always so badly written but think the world of themselves). Like, I had my first crush but after some inner reflection, I realized I couldn't ever see myself dating him. The conclusion I came too(long after the crush faded and I went threw 2 more) is that the crush was fake. My subconscious created the pseudo-crushes because I was bored and highly enjoyed the drama of having a crush.

 

I suggest you analyze yourself in an unbiased manner(Like I do to myself 24/7) and see if maybe your crushes are psuedo too.

 

Also, it's very common for AceAros to be oriented towards a specific gender. Like me. I can't feel anything sort of emotional connection to anyone but I have the express knowledge(from those past pseudo-crushes) that I'm male-oriented, even though that means nothing.

[Haze]

9 hours ago, Guest Likewise said:

My subconscious created the pseudo-crushes because I was bored and highly enjoyed the drama of having a crush.

I felt the same basically. I remember in middle school there was a popular boy that i was (kinda?) friend with and a lot of girls were crushing on him so I said I had a crush too but in reality, I was just admiring his look and personnality. I didn't want to do anything else with him (except maybe spend some friends time with him) 

 

9 hours ago, Guest Likewise said:

Also, it's very common for AceAros to be oriented towards a specific gender

Really ? That is interesting thank you ! 

 

10 hours ago, Blake said:

You are aro, but you also are ace, and both play a role in what you want for yourself. You know that you don't want romance, maybe not sex either, but maybe you want someone that has x characteristic (they is dorky, attentive, big muscles?, soft heart, has lore of a certain game you love,...,...) and that characteristic can be fulfilled by this kind of person.

thank you for your reply ! It was helpful : )