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Break up?? i guess??


JoJonas
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Hello! first of all sorry for my english, its not my native language haha
So, me and my ''boyfriend'' broke up, we were together for about 5 months and we ended up actually identifying ourselves in the aro espectrum. We know each other for about 4 years now, he's my best friend. Sometimes he says that sees me as ''a special best friend'' and i would be ok with that, if i weren't still feeling something for him. It's not romantic, i know that for sure, but still is something really specific, our break up was really ok bc we know that something romantic wouldn't work out, but i liked so much being special to him, going to his house so happy that i could explode, lay next to him while we watched some movies, stop kissing him to talk about communism (we laughed so much about that) or to watch him sleep and think that im the luckiest person alive to be special to him.  
Yet, i dont think he want to do those things anymore, and that's breaking me apart. i know its not his fault bc he didn't choose to feel this and neither do i. but im crying so much since we broke up and i try so hard to be ok for him because i dont want him to feel like this is his fault. but i used to smile all day when he looked in my eyes and just say ''i love you so much jojo'' even tho it weren't romantic, it was so so special to me. because i just liked being together with him, not in a romantic way but not as just friend. and i tried to ask but i never understand what he's acutally feeling right now, but im 99% sure that were just friend to him. 

Anyways, sorry about this long vent haha its my first post on this forum.  i just wanted to know if you guys have ever been through something like this and how it went. 

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Hey there mate! No need to feel sorry for your english, it is great ^^. Now on the topic of the thread, if both of you identify as arospec that is a good initial step. This is cuz you know your identity to a certain extent, and that is awesome ^^ Though the part that piques my interest is you feeling something for him. This is because there are more than one kind of love. It does not have to be romantic so it is a relationship, you can be in a qpr (queerplatonic relationship) and be happy in it.

You are special to him, at least how you describe it it sounded like it. I wouldn't be with someone that I know 4 years if I didn't like that person, so yeah you are already special. What you should ask yourself is if the rules of the relationship where defined by both, that is very important. An example I can give is the arrangement I have with a very very dear friend, they do not like being called by certain titles, and I don't, not even joking cuz that is a boundary, and they know that I do not like to be waken up, because I had some experiences that basically makes that action very bad for me (and I have insomina so any minute of sleep is precious). See? you don't need to be in a relationship to be special. It is the small gestures that makes a moment special (that is what I believe) and I think you are already special to your exbf.

Now, you cannot assume what the other person is thinking. That is something I learned the hard way, you have to ask him what he is willing to do and what not, that way both can be on the same page. Do not let chance and misinformation destroy the bond you made with him. I am not saying you both have to go back to being in a relationship, just that I think that if you want to continue being friends, setting things like boundaries and talking will bring to the table the topics that should be spoken.

Another important thing you have to be ok with yourself first, then be ok for him. You cannot control the feelings, but you can speak them out mate, tell him how he makes you feel special, tell him the reason. Leave clear your intentions, do you want to keep being friends? cool, but if you want something different you should tell him and see if something can be done from both parts. You don't have to understand his feelings, its theirs, but you have to understand yours if you wanna know a bit about yourself. Self discovery should be the first step, since if you don't know yourself and what you want, you can end up hurting people and yourself too. Don't be sad, it is not your fault not theirs, is just the circumstances that lead toward an ending, be it A, B, C. You cannot control the rivers path, just enjoy the ride and do what you can with it ^^

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29 minutes ago, Blake said:

Hey there mate! No need to feel sorry for your english, it is great ^^. Now on the topic of the thread, if both of you identify as arospec that is a good initial step. This is cuz you know your identity to a certain extent, and that is awesome ^^ Though the part that piques my interest is you feeling something for him. This is because there are more than one kind of love. It does not have to be romantic so it is a relationship, you can be in a qpr (queerplatonic relationship) and be happy in it.

You are special to him, at least how you describe it it sounded like it. I wouldn't be with someone that I know 4 years if I didn't like that person, so yeah you are already special. What you should ask yourself is if the rules of the relationship where defined by both, that is very important. An example I can give is the arrangement I have with a very very dear friend, they do not like being called by certain titles, and I don't, not even joking cuz that is a boundary, and they know that I do not like to be waken up, because I had some experiences that basically makes that action very bad for me (and I have insomina so any minute of sleep is precious). See? you don't need to be in a relationship to be special. It is the small gestures that makes a moment special (that is what I believe) and I think you are already special to your exbf.

Now, you cannot assume what the other person is thinking. That is something I learned the hard way, you have to ask him what he is willing to do and what not, that way both can be on the same page. Do not let chance and misinformation destroy the bond you made with him. I am not saying you both have to go back to being in a relationship, just that I think that if you want to continue being friends, setting things like boundaries and talking will bring to the table the topics that should be spoken.

Another important thing you have to be ok with yourself first, then be ok for him. You cannot control the feelings, but you can speak them out mate, tell him how he makes you feel special, tell him the reason. Leave clear your intentions, do you want to keep being friends? cool, but if you want something different you should tell him and see if something can be done from both parts. You don't have to understand his feelings, its theirs, but you have to understand yours if you wanna know a bit about yourself. Self discovery should be the first step, since if you don't know yourself and what you want, you can end up hurting people and yourself too. Don't be sad, it is not your fault not theirs, is just the circumstances that lead toward an ending, be it A, B, C. You cannot control the rivers path, just enjoy the ride and do what you can with it ^^

hey!!!! thank you so much for this. for real. 

i want so bad to talk to him about this, but i just get too much scared. which i shouldn't bc he's my best friend and whenever something's wrong, he just talks to me. i should do that too. i have an extreme difficulty with talking about what im feeling/thinking and i end up just assuming things that aren't real. he helps me a lot with this and im so grateful for this. but i know sometimes it can be exhausting. so i think i'll let him have his time before saying anything. 

he helped me with a lot of things in this couple years, im so grateful for this and he's the person that i most trust in this entire world. i don't wanna hurt him or let him uncomfortable with anything. i would love to be together with him again, not in a romantic way, just >be with him< (do you understand me? ahsuahus) but if that's not what he wants or feel, im not gonna push it. just want him to know that he can always count on me, he's my best friend after all!!! 

 

thanks again for answering me!! this means a lot!! 💚🖤

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That's the spirit. There is nothing bad in feeling a little anxious when speaking about something that you are unsure of. I think you got a great friend. And you can take your time in speaking to him, it doesn't have to be like now, but you should speak to him some time o both of you can be on the same page. That is something important, cuz when we don't speak we let things be interpreted and that leads to misunderstandings. (This may not be the case, since I speak of personal experience but just a caution). As long as you are yourself, that is what matters the most. Let your intentions be known, that is not pushing, it is just speaking what you feel/want and that is ok. And you said it yourself, you accept the outcome, whatever it may be ^^. Hope everything goes great ^^

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