Alterous Crush or Romantic Crush?

[TripleA]

Just warning you lot, this will be long, but I'd appreciate it if you read this all the way through - maybe get a drink and a snack!

 

So, I currently have some alterous feelings for a woman (which is actually not too common for me), and so I don't see her in a romantic or sexual light - I mean, she's very attractive, and if she wanted to have sex with me, I would definitely oblige, but I never really thought the usual 'she's fit' until my mum tried to assume I was only sexually attracted to her (which isn't unusual for me, I'm open with my homosexuality), I was actually just telling her how kind and nice this woman was. I've had 2 friends think that I love this woman romantically, because I'm so attached to her, but I'm not sure.

 

To give a bit of context, she's probably in her mid to late twenties (I've never asked her age), has just had a child with her boyfriend, and she works at this restaurant I go to often of which her mother also works at. I'll just call her A. 

 

So, I believe my alterous feelings started becoming prevalent after a month or so (So around November time last year) of going there and talking with A; usually the restaurant didn't have that many people, and so we would talk about our lives and such, like how good friends do. I always feel comfortable whenever I'm there, and I feel that I do care about A a lot. For example, while she were pregnant, I saw that she was still smoking, and I shared my concern with her (whilst being polite and establishing that she was a grown woman who can choose what to do with her body), and made sure she knew about the risks and stuff, and she took it really well, and she assured me that she knew about it. I also sometimes offer to help if either A or her mother were struggling with something e.g. if they'd just received some bags of food to use in the kitchen. 

 

Now, I do have some 'symptoms' of a typical romantic crush, and I don't know if anyone else with alterous crushes/squishes experience these as well, and those are that I think about A a lot, she's frequently on my mind and I talk about her a lot (not in great detail but I'm sure one or two people have noticed), and I also have had a few times where I'd feel nervous and have second thoughts about going in the restaurant (part of this was due to the fact that they don't have any open/closed signs and it took me some time to recognise when the place was open and closed). I felt like I would be bothering people or I'd be nervous around A, despite nothing bad happening between us; I see us as good friends, but she probably just sees me as a nice, regular customer who likes her and her mother's food. Now, I don't get nervous at all, and I always feel happy and confident when I see A. I don't see her as often because she has been looking after her baby, but I do see her enough, and I sometimes ask her mother about how she and the baby are doing, and nothing bad as of yet. However, as with all the 'crushes' I've had, I never got jealous or upset when I found out she had a boyfriend, like I was just like "eh, oh well", and got over it. I am perfectly fine with being good friends with her, if that would develop into a stronger friendship or not. The friendzone doesn't really bother me, I'm not a jealous person.

 

Now, with my last alterous crush (which was like 5-6 years ago) I was very much okay with opening up emotionally with her. With A, whilst I haven't I said a lot about my problems in life (I've had worse mental health problems since January this year), I have been honest about not feeling too great a few times, and I have openly cried in her presence when I was really struggling, and she and her mother left me to it (which I'm grateful for). My feelings for A became even more prevalent (to the point I started wondering what sort of connection I had with her) when I started to have worse anxiety and depression, and this is a common trend with my alterous crushes (well, out of the maybe 2/3 I've had).

 

I also started questioning my romantic orientation in January, so this somewhat makes sense, as I have gone through all the 'crushes' I had or all of the women I've felt somewhat strongly for and questioned whether I had any romantic feelings or desires or not. As for A, I haven't really. I once dreamt that she was asking me what to call her (so we had somehow started a secret relationship or something), and I remember being very surprised in the dream and after waking up from it.

 

Do I find her aesthetically attractive? Yes, definitely, I am very into older women, much more than those my age. Sexually attractive? No, but I wouldn't turn down sex with her for a second, after all she's the type of woman I usually like sexually. Do I want affection from her? Not really, but I don't like touch most of the time anyway, I don't think I've known her long enough to feel comfortable with that. Maybe I'd feel okay with a hug if I knew about it, like with most people I am friends with. Do I think she's cute? YES. She's so cute when she smiles or giggles, and she looks cute in general (like aesthetically) - which I guess could be seen as a romantic thing, but it's like when I find my pets cute, if that makes sense. Am I romantically attracted to her? Well, I don't know, I never thought of wanting to be her partner, and knowing she's in a relationship may be a part of that. If she were single (and at least bi), then maybe I would want something like a QPR or a close friendship, I only think of us as good friends, as I said earlier. 

 

That's all I'm gonna write, ask me to explain anything you don't fully understand XD

[DaviM703]

I don't think anything you've said indicates that this is necessarily romantic. I have a friend who I find really cute and think about a lot, but I'm pretty sure my feelings for her aren't the same as the way I've heard romantic attraction described.

[HorcruxCupcake]

Yeah to me that just sounds like alterous attraction but then I can't really say as you're the one experiencing it not me. The dream was probably just because you were questioning whether you are romantic or not and whether you like her like that. So the thought was in your mind (even subconsciously) and entered your dream.