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Maybe I never had a crush after all????


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I wrote an essay on this subject, couldn't help it. If anyone is interested enough to read this novell please be my guest. ?

Otherwise, this summary basically wraps it all up.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  summary -----------------------------------------------------------------------------




Im seriously starting to question if I have ever had a true crush! Until now I thought I had experienced a number of crushes going back as far as age 10 (nearly 11). BUT that doesnt seem to be true anymore! First I started reading about these "squishes" (not a term for me, but ok) that people are talking about. It made me reconsider what a crush is. Coming out to my mom about being aromantic this weekend, she told me I said I was "in love" with this crush I had when I was 14. I never said that, I know for a fact. She remembered wrong. But I reflected on what actually DID HAPPEN. And I thought about all these other so called "crushes" that I had. And I got more and more unsettled because Im uneasy not knowing. A conversation with another person about being aromantic didnt go well and they insisted I was having romantic feelings for these crushes I had mentioned. I said I didnt. This pissed me off. I decided to find out what allo people feel in their crushes so I could PROVE that I dont have these damn feelings to the same level they do. That is my whole point after all -- I cant feel romantic feelings beyond a shallow level. Only, that is not what I found. Instead I cant even relate AT ALL to what these allo people are talking about!! Which means I have been living my whole damn life under a lie...I assumed I had crushes when I didnt even know what a crush was. The rule of thumb I am using to understand my "crushes" is this: HOW IS THIS GIRL I AM 'CRUSHING ON' DIFFERENT FROM MY FRIENDS? I dont like to make a lot of true friends, just 5 to 6. I love these people and consider them to be permanent life partners. If i lose one of them it is devastating, like losing a body part. If someone is becoming a full friend and then decides not to go further, it hurts very badly. With all of my friends I always felt that were a special team with a special understanding that I didnt have with anyone else.









continue for the giant essay...





--------------------------------------------------------------------------  the crushes in detail --------------------------------------------------------------




girl #1 -- the first "crush ever"...a girl from a summer camp when I was 10, right before grade 6. I was nearly 11 then. She was super cute and I had this infatuation with her. I never talked with her except one day when she told me she didnt like me. I was let down, hurt. It felt the same as when someone didnt want to be friends who I really liked. Thats it! That is not a crush. She was someone I wanted as a friend but couldnt have.


girl #2 -- the "second" crush ever...a girlfriend of a family friend, also that summer. Never talked to her much but when was close to her I never felt "euphoria" or "butterflies". Super cute, wanted to be friends with her. She left and it faded. Not a crush, just someone I wanted as a friend.


girl #3 -- the first "big crush"...a girl in grade 6. She was so cute and I thought she was really cool. Barely talked to her. She made me kind of nervous around her but it wasnt the good kind, not euphoric or butterflies or anything. It was because of social anxiety and other issues I had. It was an infatuation and desire to be sexual partners and friends. So, not a crush, but instead a someone I wanted to be my friend.


girl #4 -- the second "big crush"...a girl in grade 7 who I had known my whole life. Same thing as girl #3, only that I was friends/buddies with her growing up and talked to her frequently at this time. No euphoria, no butterflies, but I just thought she was so cute and the best thing ever. But, thats it. I asked her out (twice...ugh) and she rejected me. It hurt really bad. Because she didnt want to be the kind of REAL friend I wanted her to be. She was a buddy/friend and I wanted her to be 100%, a full friend, like my others. I wanted her to really love me, like they did. Except we would be sexual too. So, its not a crush. She was someone I wanted to be my true friend.


girl #5 -- the ultimate "crush" of all time, a girl from 7th grade. This girl I am still crazy about when I remember her. I had an utter infatuation with her even though we hadnt spoken. But it was the same deal as with girls #3 and #4. I never imagined doing romantic things with her, except maybe holding hands. Which for me is a sign that a girl thinks you are special to her. But the thing is, for me my friends have to see me as special, and acknowledge that they are special to me. Its part of it for me. So Its not any different. Not a crush then. She was someone I wanted to be my true friend and never did.


girl #6 -- the second to ultimate crush of all time for me, a girl from 9th grade. This girl I ended up becoming friends with first. And as a friend I loved her truly. She started out very cute and then slowly became hot as hell to me. So finally I was super into her. The way I felt about her was the same kind of love as with my best friends of all time. A permanent part of your body, someone you can absolutely trust and and adore. But of course, she betrayed me. Anyway, she didnt like me back and that was incredibly crushing. But the feeling was the same as losing a friend or family member. I cant tell the difference to this day, thinking back on it....So she wasnt a crush. She was a heartbreak because I lost what I thought was a friend.


girl #7 -- from 10th grade...Major infatuation with her. Felt really special and good to be with her in class. But that special feeling is the same exact quality I feel with my best friends. I felt like we were special, a team, permanent brothers. No butterflies, no euphoria, no heart pounding. She wasnt a crush either. She was a borderline friend.


girl #8 -- the third to ultimate crush of all time for me, a girl from college. She was actually into me but I came off weird so she didnt like me enough to pursue it. I tried to not be friends with her because I had a rule about not being friends with girls I liked. But she insisted and we became best friends. And as a result, I wound up loving her. AGAIN, as a best friend. A forever person. What we had felt perfect except for it missing the sexual action I wanted with her. No euphoria, no butterflies, no romantic desires for staring into her eyes or necking, etc. When she did drop me for her boyfriend it hurt like hell because my friend was severed from me. Its the same feeling I had when I lost other best friends. So, she wasnt a crush. She was a friend I loved.


girl #9 -- a sex buddy after college that became a best friend. Turns out she was a psychopath and faking the whole thing, and later abandoned me. It was destroying. But once again, I never felt anything like euphoria, butterflies, or desires to do romantic type behaviors with her. It was great having her as a best friend I could have sex with, however short that lasted. So, she wasnt a crush. She was a friend I loved.


There have been some other girls since then but few of them have given me feelings as strong as any of the girls on this list. So i feel this list establishes the evidence very well. Can anyone tell me how these girls have been different from how I describe my best friends / true friends??? Apart from the sexual and physical infatuation, I mean. I cant see it! I dont think I have ever had a real crush after all.


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  • 5 weeks later...
On 7/31/2019 at 8:50 AM, arotic said:

I cant see it! I dont think I have ever had a real crush after all.

Me too! Great work on your essay and analyzing your feelings. It seemed to help you a lot which makes me happy for you.
What stands out to me is that you never wanted to do romantic things with your supposedly crushes. I relate very much.
Cute girls can turn your head so much, haha. Learning about squishes and sexual crushes was an eye-opener.



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i think this self-awareness is very enlightening. I know the way I examine myself is that I misunderstood what crushes meant, and when someone wanted to be partners I assumed this was a thing I wanted. I find myself in the weird space now where people assume what I want without first asking, despite their complete lack of involvement in it, or desire to be involved.


I guess I've never gotten close enough to people (or I have, we've just remained close remarkably enough.) to feel like losing them was that devastating. It's so interesting to me how people differ.


Like, I want to do "romantic" things with my friends, but to me those actions aren't romantic. This might also be the relationship anarchy in me, but I'm firm in the belief that you can do whatever with whomever (with prior discussion) and it can be entirely platonic, or simply just aromantic. Either way, really cool essay, I loved learning about this!

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