Jump to content

Totally clueless until the ripe age of 39!

Recommended Posts

Hi all ya wonderful aro people!


I'm not a native english speaker so I'm sorry for any grammar- and spelling mistakes! I just turned 39 so I have spent all theese years not understanding why I was the way I was.

I found out about aromanticism, and rediscovered asexuality, by coincidence not more than three weeks ago. Finding out about aromanticism totally blew my mind and made me super confused!


I'm an aspiring writer and I was watching a youtube video from one of my favourite you tube-writers when she came out as asexual and/or aromantic (I can't remember which). Anyways, after watching that video I was like WTF, asexuality and aromanticism is a legit thing!!!???

I only have one or to people to talk about this in IRL, so I just feel this overwhelming desire to share some things with you guys. This is gonna be a rant so feel free not to read the whole thing!


I have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I faked one or two crushes i middleschool/junior high just to fit in. I always felt super awkward the few times my friends talked about romance, sex and such. I have been hugged by boys/men/girls/women but either felt nothing in particular, or felt like they were somehow violating my personal space.

I have never felt the need to cuddle with people(I've only ever voluntarily cuddled with my pet cats and dogs). I have never been kissed, never had sex and never actively pursued either. I do have a libido of some sort, so I can find (some)sex scenes in movies/books quite intriguing. Though, oftentimes I feel indifferent towards it and hardly ever fantasize about it. And I have always disliked romantic movies/books but never known exactly why.

I'm a writer myself but I just can't write romance or sex scenes so I totally avoid that. Writing about it makes med feel super awkward, I'm absolutely lousy at it, and it totally shows in my work.


I find women more physically/aesthetically attractive than men, but I don't feel any romantic or sexual attraction towards women. For quite a few years I wondered if I was perhaps bisexual or gay, but I just couldn't wrap my head around that possibility. I just enjoyed seeing/watching beautiful people doing their thing. So, I suppose that's a pure aesthetic attraction. I have always had a really hard time understandig the different concepts of attraction but now, finally, I think I'm getting the hang of it.


I believe that the two-three crushes I've had in my whole life were actually squishes. The last one might have been a crush but I don't know for sure. I just couldn't distinguish between platonic and romantic feelings back then. I believe they were squishes because I never actively pursued any relationships, and never got jealous when the boys I "liked" eventually got girlfriends; and I was happy as long as they were happy - though it made me very was sad knowing that I wasn't one of the most significant people in their life. I always wanted a "best male-friend forever" (with "benefits" perhaps???) but never got one...


I have been asked out on dates a few times but turned down all but two. The two dates I went on, one in my early twenties and one in my early thirties, felt quite pointless.

A couple of my good male friends developed crushes on me at university(I've spent a good ten years at different univeristies so there's been a few guys) and it always made me feel uncomfortable, or totally out of my element.


Since I'm now 39 years old I have been asked if I have a boyfriend/why I don't have one/if I'm interested in any one, more times than I can count. In response, I have always told people that I'm just too busy with school, with work, my writing career, and what not. I feel quite haunted by these never ending questions about my "love life" so last year I even tried a matchmaking service online, mainly just to make people shut up about it. But that totally backfired because I felt sooo uncomfortable when these guys who I didn't know started sending me messages, showing a romantic interest, and I never responded to any of them.


After reading up on this forum and on AVEN, I now strongly believe that I am aromantic and somewhere on the asexual spectrum(ace or grey ace), but the concepts are still so new to me that I'm quite confused. It also makes me a bit sad because somewhere deep down I thought that I just hadn't met the right man/woman and that I eventually would (magically?)"end up" in a relationship - making my mom proud and relieved.


Allright... So this is where I'm currently at. At least I'm verry happy to have found this forum. I'm sure I will be spendig a fair amount of time here from now on, while trying to figure stuff out.

Sorry for the long rant! For anyone making it all the way down here, thank you for reading! Have a great weekend!



  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome! :) 


I totally relate to so many parts of this - faking crushes, constantly getting asked about my lack of romantic relationships, feeling uncomfortable when people have crushes on me. I'm glad you found this forum, and I hope it helps you understand all of this confusing stuff a little more! 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi!, it seems that there´s a lot of people like us, figuring stuff in our 30´s and 40´s . I hope this forum give you answers, at least for me, reading the experiences of the community has been a awesome experience, it gives a feeling of not being "weird" or "damaged". Have a nice weekend too!. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Hi! I'm a 19 y/o college student and your feelings and experiences sound very similar to mine! It's super cool and validating to hear about people older than me who are aromantic because contrary to what people say, aromanticism is not "just a phase". But since I don't have any aromantic people to talk to in real life, I sometimes start doubting myself until I read stories like yours. Thank you!.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...