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Am I Aro, Panro, or Neither?


Hublah
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Hi, so I guess i should start by explaining myself.

Im Ace, ive figured this much out. I havn't ever felt sexual attraction, and the couple of time I actually tried to get myself to do anything of the nature with a partner, I felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack. I dreaded it, and felt sick when it was brought up. That relationship didn't last, but I had atleast learned something about myself.

But this isn't about Asexuality.

Currently, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two ENBY people whom i love dearly. One of the two (they both go by the same name ironically, so for simplicity, ill say person 1 is Sky, and person 2 is Shade), Sky, I've been officially with for 1 1/2 years, though we were pretty much platonically together for 3 years (super cuddly, always close, almost inseperable), and I just recently started dating Shade (though I've known them for almost 8 years.)

My problem is, despite me loving them both, and dating them both, I can't tell if its romantic or platonic.

I've never been able to tell the difference between the two types, or what constitutes as romantic but not platonic (like, when I was "platonically dating" Sky. They asked me out, I said yes, and nothing really changed; we could just now say we were dating). I've always gone with Panromantic Asexual, because I feel the same type of love with everyone. No matter what gender a person is, I have the same attraction to them,,,

or rather, I guess I can't find a difference in how I'm attracted to people.

I know I love them, I'd do anything for them, and I can't even imagine being without either of them, but I don't know if its just strong platonic attraction i feel. They both love me as well, and I don't want to hurt them.

It might be worth mentioning, ive had what i believe are "crushes" on people before, but even those I've felt I'd be happy if we were just close friends (which I believe would make them a "squish"? I havn't been able to tell the difference between a crush or a squishy either.)

The feeling I have for my partners feels just like when i had a squish on someone, only its stronger, if that makes sense?

Communication is super important, and prevalent, with my relationships, but I havn't really brought this up with either of them because I don't want to hurt them. Would It make me a bad person to stay with them, even if I am aro? I know they're both happy to be with me, but im not sure if it'd hurt them if I brought it up without knowing what i am/ how to explain it.

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Romantic attraction is a desire to express your love for a person through intimacy under a partnership. Platonic attraction is a desire towards a person to be someone important in their life. Platonic attraction is a whole lot weaker than romantic attraction and is more along the lines of either “I should talk to this person because they look like someone I could be friends with” or “I should get to know this person better and be closer in their life.” Emotional attraction is a pull towards a person because of your appreciation for their personality. A squish is basically platonic and emotional attraction together plus an obsession for the person it’s towards. To me, your situation seems like a confusion of sole platonic attraction for squishes and that you just have a squish on your partners. It’s up for you to analyze and decide though

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It's hard to tell because we are not in your head. Maybe you talk to them and compare your experiences, or compare tour experiences with allo people (if you are comfortable talking to them). I personnaly think that if you don't differentiate platonic and romantic attractions/feelings, it could be a sign you are aro, but I can't tell for you what your feelings are.

 

31 minutes ago, Hublah said:

Would It make me a bad person to stay with them, even if I am aro? I know they're both happy to be with me, but im not sure if it'd hurt them if I brought it up without knowing what i am/ how to explain it.

It won't make you a bad person, not at all! I heard about aros in couple with allos; not common, but if they know you are aro and are ok with it, there is no problem.

Maybe it will hurt them, but I think it would hurt them more to know you don't want to share it with them. Maybe they can help you figure this out.

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1 hour ago, Hublah said:

My problem is, despite me loving them both, and dating them both, I can't tell if its romantic or platonic.

 

It doesn't look like anybody else has said it yet, so I'll say it: You don't need to.

 

"Romantic" and "platonic" are words for those who find those words useful. There's nothing wrong with not finding it useful, either. I don't care for the distinction much myself -- that's why I identify as quoiromantic.

 

1 hour ago, Hublah said:

I know I love them, I'd do anything for them, and I can't even imagine being without either of them,

 

Then that's the important thing, from my perspective.

 

1 hour ago, Star Lion said:

Platonic attraction is a whole lot weaker than romantic attraction

 

Not necessarily. It's different for everybody. I would never tell someone, "no, what you're describing is too big of an emotion for you to call it platonic."

 

1 hour ago, Star Lion said:

A squish is basically platonic and emotional attraction together

 

Okay, now I'm the confused one. Are you saying "platonic attraction" isn't a kind of emotional attraction?

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1 minute ago, Star Lion said:

Not always. Most of the time when I’m platonically attracted to someone personally, it’s based off of aesthetic attraction

 

Ohh, okay. Now I getcha. You're using platonic in the true general/technical sense. The only reason I got tripped up there is because I'm so used to seeing people use "platonic attraction"* to mean "platonic emotional attraction," seeming to omit that "sensual attraction" and "aesthetic attraction" can technically also be "platonic."

 

*Generic reminder that not everything is about attraction and I don't even find the term "platonic attraction" to be useful, personally.

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