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Is my ex possibly aromantic?


CanadaBoy
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Just to start, I myself am not aromantic, I am a heterosexual dude.

 

So I am not here trying to force this label on her or to assume she is, and she never mentioned the idea of being aro herself, but after breaking up with her, I stumbled upon aromantics and almost everything matches up with her and it would explain almost everything. 

 

We dated twice in the span of about a year, both times she ended it.

 

She never liked physical touch or affection. She chalked it up to simply not being an affectionate person, she said the only person she really hugged is her mom. She would hug me, we would hold hands, cuddle, but she told me she didn't really like it and didn't see the point. I would initiate it, and she wouldn't pull away or anything, and said she didn't detest it or anything, but just had zero desire herself for it.

 

Her reason for ending the second and final time was that she didn't think our connection had ever been a romantic one. When we first met, we both instantly were drawn to each other, there was an undeniable connection there, and we both wanted to get to know each other more. She definitely seemed to have a crush on me. Other than not being very touchy with me, she did many other things that one would do when they have a crush, although now looking back, could it have simply been what you guys call a squish? She later said that she started dating me cause it seemed like the right thing to do. She thought I liked her, she thought I was awesome, she thought I was cute, and so she thought she must have liked me too.

 

She was always fine being around me, but she hated labels. She never liked being called bf and gf, or to say we were dating officially, because it was 'too much pressure'

 

She said she kept trying and trying the romance thing with me, but it wouldn't work. She wanted it too, but she couldn't.

We kissed once, it was her first kiss, and it wasn't that special. She later said she just did it cause she wanted to see what it was like.

 

In the time between our first breakup and getting back together again, we got really close again at one point. She would ask to hangout with me every chance we had, and we did a lot for a month or so. Then one time we hung out two days in a row and we were sort of flirty. Second day we went to her place, and watched TV in her basement, and ended up more or less cuddling (again we weren't dating at this point, strictly 'friends') and right after then she became really distant with me, stopped asking to see me until a few months later when we started again and eventually got back together.

 

When breaking up with me she said she got back with me the second time because she was at a lonely point in life, no friends, and she thought I was great and that she must 'have had feelings for me' because she thought about me a lot and I filled that void.

 

So,

 

I know it could be as simple as she just 'wasn't that into me', but idk, it all seems to add up. So, people who are aro themselves, does it seem likely?

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I think understanding what is aro behaviour and what is not is very hard because most of it is really about internal intentions. Basically what she was feeling and interpreting things. 

I saw you had a good conversation in another topic with another member, so I hope that helped. 

But yeah, everyone is under a lot of pressure to act a certain way, and for undiscovered aros it is freaking confusing because there are so few examples of how to live that don't end up as partnering up. (It is also really confusing for basically anyone who doesn't find that is their ideal future, but generally they can still find some common understanding in the general idea of romantic partnering up)

 

If you get along really well it is also possible that her motivations for dating (especially the second time) might have been fear of losing you as a friend. (maybe not, but it is just really really common for friends who want a romantic relationship to ghost us when we are honest)

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Yeah, I get that. The only person that could ever truly discover if she is aro is her herself, and even then that could take a long time.

 

I think pressure was a big thing for her the entire time, she felt she should act certain ways, do certain things, and feel certain ways. And I get that, the norm is to partner up and so for someone to realize they don't fit that, it can be very daunting. I imagine there is a long struggle for many aro's before finally accepting it - ie "maybe just try one more relationship and it could be different" or "Maybe this is just how romance feels".

 

We do get along really well, yes. And while that could be it, idk. There wasn't much risk of losing me. We simply hung out here and there as friends for quite some time beforehand. And then after spending a whole day together one time, she made the move and said she wanted to try dating again, as she thought she liked me and she needed to stop being afraid of everything (ie dating). On top of that, she had seen previously that after both a breakup and a period of her being distant again, I didn't ghost her and remained friends.

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that does sound like my experience.  especially if she's heterosexual, or bi/pan i guess, she might assume her romantic orientation was concordant, or even be unfamiliar with the concept of romantic orientation.  and in any case, enjoying your company and friendship (possibly a squish, sure) could have led her to believe dating was a logical next step...part of the idea of amatonormativity (basically the idea that romantic relationships are the most important type and are necessary for happiness), which is not separate from heteronormativity.  and yeah, i kept trying to make it work, i thought i just had to get used to it, but i never did.  i'm glad to hear that you're taking an interest in her possible aromanticism while acknowledging that it's up to her to label it or not, and continuing your friendship.

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