In need of advice ?

[sweetvenom]

I am not really sure if this is the right category to ask for advice, I found this website minutes ago so I apologize if this is .. off topic.

 

I've known for a while that I am on the aro spectrum but I'm still not very sure where I stand exactly which is why I'm here.

 

I, for a long time, was single and only had physical/sexual relationships. I didn't date  for 4 years and I felt very comfortable that way but still thought that being in a relationship could sound sweet? I got into a relationship in 2017 with a friend that I did like and perhaps convinced myself I was in love with. Our relationship lasted a year but towards the last 2-3 months of it, my... let's say "non platonic feelings" really died and I ended it. I did not feel sad or anything which to me confirmed that I probably was never actually in love.

After that I wanted to stay single but I met this new person a few weeks after the breakup and we started flirting a lot. Thruthfully, it was purely sexual at the start (that is one thing I'm extremely comfortable with). Things escalated very quickly and I caught myself feeling jealous when they had a fling with someone else even if we were not exclusive which made me very confused. Fast forward, we're dating now (even tho I said to myself a month before that I wouldn't make that mistake again) and I'm already realizing that my feelings aren't there anymore.

I don't know if in general I just keep forcing myself to have those feelings bc I either feel lonely for a bit (which is why it never lasts) or if I do but they just don't last bc I hate being tied down or have to be overly communicative. I hate acts of romance too and I've doing them with this person and I just don't feel like I'm myself anymore, I don't recognize the person I've become and it's bothering me bc I'm unhappy.

 

Really don't know where I'm going with all this but I saw the label "Recipromantic" and thought it might be the closest thing to describe it (bc I don't recall ever dating someone if they didn't say they liked me first which then made me "like" them) but my feelings always end up going away even if the person still likes me, no matter what. (Also, I put the like in quotes bc while writing it, I realized I dated a lot of people bc I felt physically lonely or just thought it might be fun but feelings were completely inexistant). 

 

So, would I still fit in that label? 

[Guest]

Maybe frayromantic if your feelings end up going away? I dont know if being both frayromantic and recipioromantic is a thing, but i don't see why not? Well, not that I , an aro ace, understand how it work but you should give "frayromantic" a look.

[Apathetic Echidna]

Sorry but I haven't heard of Recipromantic or met anyone claiming that label so I don't know if your experience would be similar to theirs. 

One thing though is that any kind of bond can be broken if stressed, and maybe your aversion/repulsion to certain actions that you are forcing yourself to do for their benefit has broken whatever feelings you might have had. 

I don't think any relationship should make you feel like a stranger in your own body, that has got to be unhealthy. If this person is important to you then share your thoughts on those actions and tell them when you are uncomfortable. If the person is someone you have no bond to in any way anymore then I would say just breaking up might be best rather than trying to salvage something. 

[sweetvenom]

On 3/4/2019 at 7:06 PM, Cristal Gris said:

Maybe frayromantic if your feelings end up going away? I dont know if being both frayromantic and recipioromantic is a thing, but i don't see why not? Well, not that I , an aro ace, understand how it work but you should give "frayromantic" a look.

 

I gave it a look and it could actually make a lot of sense when it comes to why my feelings disappear this quickly and why over communication makes it happen even faster. Also explains why short flings are the only type of "relationships" I feel comfortable with.

I never heard of that label before but I'm glad I do now cause it does sound more accurate than the one I mentioned above. 

 

Thank you!!

17 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Sorry but I haven't heard of Recipromantic or met anyone claiming that label so I don't know if your experience would be similar to theirs. 

One thing though is that any kind of bond can be broken if stressed, and maybe your aversion/repulsion to certain actions that you are forcing yourself to do for their benefit has broken whatever feelings you might have had. 

I don't think any relationship should make you feel like a stranger in your own body, that has got to be unhealthy. If this person is important to you then share your thoughts on those actions and tell them when you are uncomfortable. If the person is someone you have no bond to in any way anymore then I would say just breaking up might be best rather than trying to salvage something. 

 

I've seen recipromantics say they don't necessarily have feelings for a specific person until that individual confessed to them. They also said "once my partner doesn't have feelings for me anymore, mine also stop" and that's where the difference with me is because I usually stop having feelings before my partner does.

I wasn't forcing myself in the beginning, I believed that maybe this time would be different but it really isn't and now I gave hope to someone really nice so I just feel awful about it and keep pretending it's fine but I'm really struggling.

I will break things off, I guess I just need some sort of deeper explanation for them and where on the spectrum I am (like the other comment mentioned, frayromantic seems to be the closest label I can relate to) so I can develop my actual issue a bit better to them because the "problem" really isn't coming from them.

 

Thank you for your advice!

[CloudlegtheVolcano]

You could be lithromantic, which is once your romantic feelings are reciprocated you lose interest.

 

Sorry if this is a little late, just thought I would throw it out there.