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Can I still be aromantic asexual if I have a crush (not a squish)?


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Let me break this down when I say crush. Romance is just not my thing and I would much rather go to amusement parks or play sports with my so called S/O. I am a girl, by the way, and i'm about to turn 15 in less than two months. Almost a year ago I figured out I was Aro Ace and the labels felt so fitting I couldn't believe it. It was like a weight of confusion and misery had just been lifted off of me. Now I'm confused again. I was not amused by people moving their bodies around and it felt so uncomfortable when I would watch F*ckboy musically (tik tok) compilations with my friend because she wanted to see some "hot dudes". Now, I still find people attractive but that feel of wanting a relationship was never there with any of them, nor was the feel to have sex. But there is this guy who just really is different. I tried to trick myself into thinking that I was trying to trick myself into liking someone. Ironic, but he really does seem different. I don't know there is just sparks and the feeling of wanting to be closer to him. What makes this feeling even worse is the fact that he likes me back, which just draws me closer. I get I'm only 14 and teenage hormones are everywhere but this is really confusing me. I  read that something is only romantic if you make it, and if I was to date this guy would I not be aro ace? I felt so good with the labels and it honestly still feels right and now my mind is everywhere from "Yes I am" to "No I'm not" to, somehow randomly, "The guy". He seemed really sweet and nice when I last talked to him. I was even uncomfortable with typing the word "sparks", it sounds all lovey dovey. I don't know if once a date actually happens I will be uncomfortable but i guess you really don't know until you try. I just need answers. Quick. Cuz I'm scared.

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It could be your hormones running wild and misinterpretation of feelings. I experienced something a bit similar as teen and turned out to be aro.
People can identify as aro and be in a relationship because for some the line between platonic and romantic attraction is extremly thin or blurred.
And the reasons to be or get into a conncetion with another human we call "relationship" can also differ, doesn't have to do with romantic feelings.
But honestly the best advice I can give to you right now is: Don't freak out, it's okay.
You don't need to go straight up to the boy and date him. Take things slow and if you like to, spend time with him but only do things you feel comfortable with.
Like the ones you listed above (play sports, watch a movie together or just have conversations, etc.).
Relax and observe your emotions when you're together with him. Tell him if you feel something is off.
Maybe it is a crush, maybe not. Only you can tell (and probably time).
At this point in time you can't rely on own experiences yet. I recommend to acknowledge your emotions and let them be, just see what will come.

Even if it turns out to be a crush you could still be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum since there are gray areas
(e.g. people who rarely fall in love). Maybe these feelings vanish soon when you get to know him better or you don't want your feelings to be reciprocated (we call this being lithromantic and it's on the "aromantic scale"). You see being aromantic can still be diverse.
And even if you turn out to be romantic - that's okay. Maybe you don't like lovey-dovey stuff and it doesn't need to be mushy for you at all but still feel romantic attraction.
Don't stress yourself out over the labels. They need to fit you and you can identify as whatever you want.

Lastly, let me tell you I only realized fully I'm aro BECAUSE I was in relationships and tried to date people.
This doesn't invalidate your identiy at all.

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Hey, it can be really scary just starting out in the dating world, even if it wasn't your plan to be there. I figured out I was aro ace after a lot of relationships and hiccups. But I don't regret following my heart and trying, I just wished I had thought about being aro earlier.


The biggest thing I can say is there is nothing wrong with being curious. Gay people who are comfortable in their gayness have still had not-gay experiences out of curiosity. Ace and Aromantic people can also. Maybe you're aro, maybe you're not. You're definitely romantically curious right now and if it's a good feeling follow it. You're thinking really hard about this, and it's good you care so much about staying true to yourself. Curiosity isn't an identity, its more of a taste for adventure. Only you get decide if the adventure feels good/right.


If I were you, I'd worry less about being aro and more about if dating him feels right. If you do end up dating, and it doesn't, you're always allowed to say you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Be honest about your feelings and be gentle with yourself as well! Follow your gut and know you're trying your best. That's all any of us can do.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I've felt this way a couple of times too but in my case, I'm just aro, not ace. I've thought about it a lot and I think I've figured out what caused these feelings (for me at least). What I found helped was separating "love" into different kinds of love. I think it could be different for everybody but I personally have created the groups familial, platonic, romantic, sexual, aesthetic, celebrity, inanimate, and fandom love. What I found was happening was I was feeling platonic love (I wanted to be their friend), sexual love (they were hot), and aesthetic love (they looked nice) all at the same time but due to the combination of these types of love in common media and the fact that many of them don't have set boundaries and could overlap, I had thought I was feeling romantic love.


How you approach the situation from here is your choice, I guess. You could become closer friends but not go any further than that or pursue a relationship but make sure they know how you feel on the matter or whatever makes you comfortable!

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