New and questioning

[NotHeartless]

Hey guys,

it has been a long way for me to get here. I can't even begin but here it goes.
For some time in my life I was a serial dater, kinda. It's a chapter I never want to revisit again.
All of my romantic interests arose from friendships. I never understood "love at first sight" (still don't).
After my 5th attempt at dating I decided to end this madness.
What went wrong?
Whenever a friend showed interest in being with me in a more intimate way at first it was cool but shortly after I started to feel...
...disgust
...external pressure
...sickness
...strong wish to just leave
...being nervous and on edge constantly
...strong wish to go back to being friends / save our friendship
...the affection I felt, and that I mistook for romantic love, flew out the window like it wasn't even there in the first place
I tried it several times because I kept telling myself "he/she just isn't right for me".
But unconsciously I felt it wasn't their fault. It was mine.
Then I thought "maybe commitment issues".
But after analyzing my behaviour I didn't show signs of CI - besides my sudden urge to end it and go back to the way it was before.
I did not get what in hell was wrong with me. Everbody seemed to get along in their romantic relationships fine (regarding their feelings) but I kept screwing up.
It slowly but surely started to make sense as I stumbled across the term "aromantic".

My supposed crushes were squishes. I always thought they must be crushes because the people around me described having crushes in a distinct way I felt kinda similar but without the wish to do anything romantic and without butterflies. Now I know I always felt strong platonic love/affection.
Romantic things always disgusted me in one way or the other. I just remember the times I watched the movie The Lake House with one of my former girlfriends as she really liked it.
Only thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
I assumed I would get to like these things with "the right person". Buuuut I was very wrong and hurt people because of my selfish behaviour.

I know now I'm a romance repulsed aro.
I also came to realize I probably suppressed my sexual feelings because for many people it's the romance = sex equation.
I read the thread how aros seem to experience sexual attraction/desire and I was able to recognize my own feelings in it.
I wouldn't want to have ONS (or at least not at the moment) but only some time ago I suddenly felt sexual attraction to a male friend of mine (I guess I'm bi or pan).
It would be impossible to have sex with him as he is a married man but only the thought of "If he would be free and wouldn't mind I would absolutely go for it" settled my sexuality for me.
I was very confused about that for a long time as well.
Having unconventional sex with a friend (aka a person I trust very much) actually sounds like a lot of fun - if the whole romance rat-tail is just out of question.

This forum already helped me so much. I'm so glad I've found the community. I finally don't feel broken anymore and won't pressure myself into a romantic relationship ever again.

[Neir]

I am late to welcome you but welcome!! Here is some aro ice cream but all your troubles (come join me in eating it because I have experienced so many of the things you described): 

 

I am really glad this forum has been helpful to you and I look forward to seeing more from you.