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How to name these feelings I have


Walking13
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I have had some squishes in my life.

I really liked someone and wanted to be close to them and admired them. I used to confuse these with romantic crushes, but now I can tell that there are no romantic feelings involved.

 

But last time it happened ( I had a squish on someone) I got all of this jelousy and irrational and bad feelings whenever he was doing something that didn't involve me, or when he was with someone else. 

And this is totally different from the last squish I had where I was happy just being friend with her, while she had a boyfriend.

 

Why did I got those feelings? 

Can this still be called squish if I wanted esclusivity of some sort (still no romantic relationshop thoug)?

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Only you can really answer your own question, but we can do our best to guide you! I would recommend sitting down and thinking through it for a while, and it's OK if you don't figure it out immediately. Squishes are weird.

 

I assume from what you've described so far that your squishes don't usually include that exclusivity feeling you felt this time around, and that is what is confusing you. I notice that you're still calling it a squish, and not romantic attraction, so I think that if you don't think what you felt was romantic attraction then it probably wasn't! All of us have different definitions of what makes feelings romantic vs. platonic vs. anything else. If it helps, I have a friend who is not aromantic and she has reported feeling jealous of friends she highly values and wanting exclusivity in their relationship even though they were not romantically involved at all. So, jealousy and feelings like yours can definitely happen platonically. Perhaps your squish was just particularly strong this time around.

 

On the other hand, if you think that this feeling really is different from a squish for you, you are entitled to labeling it something else entirely. For example, I personally distinguish between platonic attraction (like squishes), alterous attraction, and romantic attraction, where alterous attraction is what I feel in between platonic and romantic. I like to label that in-between place as something different, so you can totally do that too. What you decide to label your feelings is up to you, and my job is just to tell you that in this case you're valid in whatever you choose.

 

Good luck! :)

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19 hours ago, running.tally said:

For example, I personally distinguish between platonic attraction (like squishes), alterous attraction, and romantic attraction, where alterous attraction is what I feel in between platonic and romantic.

How do you tell these apart? Really curious... to me it's all a huge confusing blur.

 

23 hours ago, Walking13 said:

But last time it happened ( I had a squish on someone) I got all of this jelousy and irrational and bad feelings whenever he was doing something that didn't involve me, or when he was with someone else. 

And this is totally different from the last squish I had where I was happy just being friend with her, while she had a boyfriend.

 

Why did I got those feelings? 

I can't say for sure why you got those feelings, but I had something similar once, with a friend. I think my jealousy in that case wasn't because he was with someone else, but because I felt neglected, because he wasn't spending much time with me anymore. Maybe yours could be similar?

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@SoulWolf's addition about feeling neglected and that causing jealousy is excellent, so I would also think about that.

 

To answer the platonic/alterous/romantic attraction thing, this is just how I see things personally (and I recognize that others may have different definitions):

Platonic attraction is when I am interested in getting to know a person on some level of friendliness, and be able to keep in touch with said person. Squishes, for me, are particularly strong feelings of this type: it's the same feeling - i.e., wanting to establish a friendship that is mutual and have recurring engagements with the person - but it's a more immediate need. Most (if not all) of my squishes have been in response to the knowledge that the person in question will be leaving or otherwise be unavailable for me to engage with and establish a friendship; my non-squish instances platonic attraction are not as urgent and can be acted on slower and more gradually, so my nervous system isn't as activated, I suppose.

Alterous attraction takes a step past platonic by introducing an additional degree of closeness that I wouldn't necessarily pursue with a friend. For example, I want to be physically close to the person in question more often than I would with friends and I want to give them a lot more attention than I do with friends of mine (but not to the point of being distracted by them). I want to be able to have private emotional and physical intimacy, but I don't want any more intimacy than I have with family members or very close long-time friends. Alterous attraction is like when I click with a person really well (like a soulmate vibe? Or an "I've met you in a past life" vibe?) and want to pursue a degree of closeness where I can depend on them more than I would a strict friend. This desire to depend on them to an extent is also why I would be comfortable living with a person I was alterously attracted to, while I wouldn't feel comfortable doing the same with a friend. However, I should note that living together is not a requirement. I liken alterous attraction to trusting someone with my life, but having no obligation to constantly please or give exclusive attention. Like a soul sibling, who acknowledges that our lives are very strongly intertwined and unbreakable but still independent. This is distinct from the strong platonic feelings I have for long-time and very close friends, because I can experience alterous attraction without already being close to a person, and I afford the people I'm alterously attracted to more of my attention. In a sense, I initially prioritize the people I'm alterously attracted to slightly higher than those I'm platonically attracted to (not necessarily over my closer friends, though, who have earned higher spots on the prioritization list as a function of time and development of closeness).

Romantic attraction introduces romantically-coded behaviours like PDA and kissing and a degree of exclusive and constant attention. I have heard from many of my friends who feel romantic attraction that it's like an obsession with a single person, or highly focused tunnel vision. The amount that they think about this person or the amount of their life they dedicate to this person is very significant: they get distracted thinking about them, go out of their way to please them and make public or private romantic gestures (e.g., gift-giving without occasion), they live with their partner, and they go on public dates. There's a degree of public affirmation I see in romantic relationships (whether that be on paper, online, in the language partners use exclusively for each other, PDA, living together, etc.). I also think of romantic attraction as automatic initial prioritization of this person over everyone else in the relationship prioritization list. They seem to trump everything.

I haven't ever experienced this romantic kind of hawk-vision in my cases of attraction, and I would not want to pursue exclusivity to tie that person to me in a way that they are not tied to others. This is why even though I want to pursue intimacy that can be viewed as 'romantic' when I'm alterously attracted to someone, I do not want to mark that relationship as exclusive and I do not immediately prioritize them over everyone else.

An additional note on QPRs and quasiplatonic attraction: I would think of these like experiencing platonic attraction, but tying yourself to the other person in exclusive ways that are usually deemed to be 'romantic' in nature (i.e., living together, agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together, prioritizing each other over other relationships, and going out on public outings similar to dates). I think of QPRs as friendships with elements of cohabitation, exclusivity, and/or emotional/physical codependence that people usually associate with romantic relationships. I haven't experienced it, but I imagine that the type of attraction associated with wanting to pursue a QPR (i.e., quasiplatonic attraction) would develop out of platonic feelings gradually, so I would differentiate quasiplatonic attraction from alterous attraction by way of it not being possible to happen immediately. I would differentiate quasiplatonic attraction from romantic attraction that develops out of platonic attraction because the obsessive constant attention never arises. I think that for friends who end up feeling romantic attraction for each other and pursuing a romantic relationship, they have a 'puppy love' period (the obsessive stage I associate with romantic attraction) before settling; with quasiplatonic attraction I feel like that 'puppy love' period would never come up and that is the defining difference.

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On 5/25/2018 at 10:05 PM, running.tally said:

To answer the platonic/alterous/romantic attraction thing, this is just how I see things personally (and I recognize that others may have different definitions): 

thank you for taking the time to explain all that, it's very enlightening and helpful to me (and I think probably others as well) :D

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I think what you want is a queerplatonic relationship. You can have exclusivity without there being any romantic feelings. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it since I've never wanted to be in a qpr... You could look it up and see if you relate?

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