Two Demiros and the realization you've caught feelings

[Guest a27d0...454]

Welp, here I am. Hopelessly confused and unsure what to do. Both literally a la the forums and my life.

I figured I'd ask here since I knew this was a Q&A and I could be anonymous for the initial post at least.

 

ANYWAYS, I was hoping for some input and help from fellow aspec people. About a year ago I had been messaging a friend, and for some reason our text messages to each other suddenly felt different. She jokingly said "I have a confession. I love you." Mind you we are very queer platonic friends, and we joke around this way, so this isn't unusual. I think it was the 'confession' thing that made me read this differently, but in any case, there was a pause then she sent the I Love You and my brain short circuited.

After months of thought and waiting to see if these feelings stayed, it turns out I very well may be fulfilling the most cliche act of falling for your best friend.

Here's the issue. I'm very demiro. She is demiro as well, but how her romanticism works for her compared to mine I don't know. I've been putting off any relationships because I simply haven't wanted nor felt the need to date, and I know the romantic expectations most folks expect isn't something I'm ready to try for. Before I came to the realization that I had caught feelings for her, I had decided not to date. Prior to that, 2 years ago I ended a year and a half long relationship because I realized though I very much cared for and loved the guy, I wasn't ready to date so seriously. Among all this I've wrestled with trying to understand whether I fall under demiro or aro.

I know this is a lot of stuff to read, but I'm just trying to provide context. 

 

My question to all of you is how should I approach this? I live in a different city right now due to university but I've decided that when I visit in a few weeks I'll talk to her about this. Thing is, I don't know what I should want out of this. She's my best friend, and if she isn't interested in me that way I know I'll be fine, but if she is- Well, I'll be ecstatic but how do I explain to her my hesitations, without making her think I'm 'flaky' or 'afraid of commitment?' (actual things friends/peers have told me when I explain my romanticism to them)

 

Sorry again that this is so long, but I'm just lowkey very terrified of this and wanted input from people on the same romantic spectrum.

Anonymous poster hash: a27d0...454

[Eklinaar]

I don't think I'm demiro, but I guess I'm a romance-positive aro?  Maybe I'm very slightly off from aro towards demiro?  Honestly I'm still pretty confused.  Either way, I've been in a bunch of romantic relationships and wasn't miserable in some of them, and I even miss one in particular sometimes.  The ways I prefer intimacy sure look like at least parts of romance to alloromantics, so I've been able to date, even if I don't really see things the same way they do.

 

Maybe tell her what you do want to try.  Honestly, there's no reason why you have to do a traditional romantic relationship or anything.  Try something different.  Look at polyamory for different relationship models that don't follow our cultural scripts.  Or maybe just keep your relationship the way it is and try modifying a few of your boundaries here and there.  Just talk about it and figure out what works best for you both.  Don't be afraid to discuss details at length.  Talk about what you're both repulsed by.  Make an exhaustive list of things to avoid.  Open and honest communication is key.  The best part of being queer is that you don't have to act like straight people.  Build the relationship you both want.

 

The romantic relationship that worked best for me was with a Marxist feminist who thought most of romance was patriarchal capitalist bullshit, so she wanted to have extensive discussions about how to deconstruct the cultural scripts and do things differently and deliberately.  We talked a lot in excruciating detail about exactly what we both wanted.  My aromantic feelings and her ideological goals went pretty well together.  We had some pretty good times once we realized we could make our relationship whatever we wanted it to be.

[Apathetic Echidna]

everything Eklinaar said.

I will add though that as she is demiro she has probably been through some part of the internet community and so would be aware of the mass of confusion that seems to be present. If you are open and honest about not completely knowing how you might react or progress or even how both of your demiromantic-ness will interact. Any hesitation should make sense then, and really I think the comments about being  'flaky' or 'afraid of commitment' sounds like comments from people who don't understand demiromantic feelings, or general aro-spec feelings for that matter.