Boyfriend came out asexual

[maisyy1212]

So me and my boyfriend were what I thought going strong for a year. He came out asexual to me and even though I said that we never have to have sex again, he said he just didn't feel like being in a relationship with me or with anyone. So maybe he is also aromantic? Through out the relationship he was always the one to initiate everything, wether it of been talking about the future or doing anything sexual. He always pushed for pictures, always validated his love for me when I was down, and even needed his fare share of validation from me. I truly thought he loved every aspect of our relationship, I didn't realize any underlying things going on. He was always pushy about doing sexual things and talking about them. I often found I was uncomfortable and just didn't like talking about it. I even snapped at him once, because at one point I really felt like he only wanted me sexually. He one time even questioned if I was sexually attracted to him, which I told him I was, but he thought I didn't find him attractive enough. I always felt loved equally as much as I loved him. When we finally had sex for the first time is when he apparently realized something was off. He once told me my opinion on sex is wrong and that sex with someone you love is supposed to be so amazing. He never said anything felt weird at the time. He's even had sex with people before me. He said he didn't enjoy porn and stuff of that nature. We had sex so many times and he would always beg for us to do it, and it hurts me to know he put himself in an uncomfortable situation. When I first asked if he ever loved me he said that it just wasn't as strong but later changed it to he felt it tapering off a couple months ago. I really don't mind never having sex again as long as I can have him back. I really don't know how to cope and I also don't know if he ever really loved me more than a friend. I think of all the things we planned together and I'm just so confused as to why he would ever say that if he was neither sexually or romantically attracted. I'm willing to give him time and space to figure stuff out but I just need a little hope. 

[techno]

He clearly is working through his own feelings and figuring out just what it is he wants. I think it's important to give him the time and space he needs, rather than coming to us for answers that he can only find himself.

 

52 minutes ago, maisyy1212 said:

I really don't know how to cope and I also don't know if he ever really loved me more than a friend.

 

Just a quick note, around here we don't really like the phrase "more than a friend", as it devalues platonic intimacy.

 

It's reasonable to feel sad or confused in this situation, but please remember that it is likely equally as hard for him if not harder to come to terms with how he feels, especially if you cannot be sure how long this has been on his mind. We can't say for you whether or not he could be aromantic; if he wants our input, he will come.

 

Hope everything works out for both of you in the end.

[Eklinaar]

4 hours ago, maisyy1212 said:

So me and my boyfriend were what I thought going strong for a year. He came out asexual to me and even though I said that we never have to have sex again, he said he just didn't feel like being in a relationship with me or with anyone. So maybe he is also aromantic?

 

That sounds really rough for you.  It certainly sounds like it's possible that he's aromantic as well, but only he can really say for certain.  It sounds like he's really confused right now and struggling to understand what he's feeling.

 

4 hours ago, maisyy1212 said:

Through out the relationship he was always the one to initiate everything, wether it of been talking about the future or doing anything sexual.

 

A lot of aromantic and asexual people, before they discover their identity and accept their feelings, will push themselves to be in relationships because they think it's what they're supposed to do, and they think they'll like it once they are doing it.  It's hard to understand how incredible the pressure is to be "normal", how it can drive us to pretend we want things or feel things that we don't, and it can be immensely confusing and painful for everyone involved.  I've certainly done things like that, and I hurt people who were close to me because I was confused and hurting.  It also sounds like he did or still does have feelings for you, but what exactly those feelings are, only he can say.

 

4 hours ago, maisyy1212 said:

He always pushed for pictures, always validated his love for me when I was down, and even needed his fare share of validation from me. I truly thought he loved every aspect of our relationship, I didn't realize any underlying things going on.

 

Many of us still need validation even if we don't want romantic or sexual intimacy.  But maybe he was also trying to validate his image of what he thought he should be, rather than what he is.  It's nice of you to offer to accommodate him and validate his experience.

 

Some aromantic/asexual people enjoy intimate relationships even without that attraction.  Some don't.  But even those who do can still find intimate relationships extra confusing or difficult.

 

4 hours ago, maisyy1212 said:

He was always pushy about doing sexual things and talking about them. I often found I was uncomfortable and just didn't like talking about it. I even snapped at him once, because at one point I really felt like he only wanted me sexually. He one time even questioned if I was sexually attracted to him, which I told him I was, but he thought I didn't find him attractive enough. I always felt loved equally as much as I loved him. When we finally had sex for the first time is when he apparently realized something was off. He once told me my opinion on sex is wrong and that sex with someone you love is supposed to be so amazing. He never said anything felt weird at the time. He's even had sex with people before me. He said he didn't enjoy porn and stuff of that nature. We had sex so many times and he would always beg for us to do it, and it hurts me to know he put himself in an uncomfortable situation.

 

While he may have been very confused and hurting, a lot of this sounds like he wasn't fair to you.  He shouldn't tell you that your opinion on sex is wrong.  Sex is different for everyone.  Your feelings about it are just as valid as his.  "Sex with someone you love is supposed to be so amazing" sounds like what he thinks he should believe, rather than what he does believe, but maybe it is what he believes; only he can say.  Also I can say that sex with someone you love isn't always amazing.  People can love each other a lot and still have off days, or accidentally hurt each other, or really just not be sexually compatible in the first place.  And he shouldn't push you to have sex, that's just wrong.  Maybe he was fixated on pushing himself and not thinking about your boundaries, but that doesn't excuse being pushy to you.  I hope he realizes that he wasn't thinking about your boundaries and corrects that mistake in the future.

 

4 hours ago, maisyy1212 said:

 When I first asked if he ever loved me he said that it just wasn't as strong but later changed it to he felt it tapering off a couple months ago. I really don't mind never having sex again as long as I can have him back. ... I'm willing to give him time and space to figure stuff out but I just need a little hope. 

 

I hope things work out, and I admire your attitude about this.  Take care of yourself, don't let people treat you poorly, even in situations like this.  You still deserve to have your needs and boundaries respected.  If he's not in a place where he can do that because he's confused about his own feelings and identity, then maybe it's best to be apart.  You're welcome to read around this forum and chat with people in this community and educate yourself about the experiences of asexuals and aromantics, and that's a great way to show that you care about what he's going through.  But think about what you need and want, too.  This might be a good time to focus on yourself if he can't return to your relationship.

[Naegleria fowleri]

4 hours ago, maisyy1212 said:

I'm just so confused as to why he would ever say that if he was neither sexually or romantically attracted.

 

It helps to understand that some of us subconsciously assumed that romantic love, sex, etc, are an acquired taste. You know, like coffee. The first time you try it, it's bitter and awful. But you expose yourself to it enough, and you grow amenable to it. Eventually, you really like it.

 

It's easy to delude yourself into thinking that you're normal.

 

Now, some people take a lot longer than others to realize this for a variety of reasons. Me? I took a friend to prom, not really making it clear whether I intended to go as friends or as a couple. But I asked him to slow dance, because I genuinely wanted to. But as soon as I did, I wanted out. It wasn't really that are bodies were too close, nothing like that. It was the sweet way he was looking at me, like I was the only girl in the room. I wanted to look anywhere else, but I put a game smile on my face because, you know, what can you do? And afterwards, I told him that it was nice. And we slow danced again. Near the end of this song, he started leaning towards me. That was too close. I leaned away, and he picked up on it and stopped. Later I told him I just wanted to be friends.

 

Now you ask me, why did I lie? I almost never lie. I'm one of those squares that tells the teacher when they gave me mistaken bonus points on a test. But I acted like I cared. When I came out as aro, this same person said, somewhat confused, that I seemed like I had been interested before. Well, sometimes I thought I was. And when I was squirming inside? I was just trying to get through the night without hurting anybody. It was instinctual, more than anything else.

 

We hear about how great this and that is (kissing, slow dancing, holding hands, dating, etc) and no-one grows up with the idea in their mind that they might never find out what all the fuss is about. I had heard about aromantic asexuals, in passing, countless times on social media, and only idly thought about its place in me. I had heard that only 1 % of the population was asexual and thought, so why me? But this was brief. I realized nothing had to change. I love science, creative writing, music, family, Netflix, and video games, and I'm glad I have time to enjoy all of these things without throwing the rigmarole of romance/sex in the mix. 

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. Good on you for educating yourself, and coming here. It sounds like you really care. Know that just because he lied doesn't mean he didn't enjoy your company, or intended to be deceptive. We all lie to ourselves.