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Gray Question and Hello


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I have known I am asexual of some form ever since a friend suggested it to me when I was 22.  I, however, don't care much for the complicated cataloging system!  Speed forward 15 years, I was surfing the internet when I ran cross the aromantic idea.  The blanket definition fits me pretty good.  But the question I have been asking myself is whether I am gray-aromantic, or actually aromantic enough to be just aromantic.  


I "dated" only a couple of times and found it pointless (e.g. just dinner and movie, and we didn't bother to hold hands or anything like that).  

I literally never kissed anybody on the lips ever since I pushed my parents away when I was about 3 years old.

I love hugging, but can cuddle only so long before I wanted to get up and do things!

I love snuggling in bed with friends I like...but only if they agreed to it, which is rare because most people find bed-sharing to be too close for their own comfort.  

I have plenty of squishes.

I have fallen in platonic love several times (and survived the heartbreaks due to distance).

I expressed my love by fixing, making, or/and building things my friends wanted.


Then this is where the gray vs. just aromantic is blurry:

When I am not seeing the friend I was growing to love, I have some love-making fantasies, which I would call sexual foreplaying (I draw the line at heavy kissing and actual sex). But those fantasies went completely out the window when I physically see the person.  All I ever wanted to do when with them was enjoy their company and do useful things with them.  We get to hug a few times and that was plenty for me.  Thus, I am wondering whether my fantasies would actually happen when I meet the one who is committed to being my life partner.  Or would my sexual foreplaying fantasies only torture me in private because I don't have the drive to act on them?  ;)  



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1. Welcome!


2. You sound full-blown aromantic to me. Just based on how similar your story sounds to mine, and I'm a complete and total aro to the core. That said, I don't think anyone minds if grayromantic people call themselves aromantic as a blanket term to keep from confusing the general public. Language is a tool to clarify intent. You don't necessarily need a name for what you are because since when do human brains follow rules of common usage?


3. The constant internal struggle between sexual and romantic orientations is quite familiar to me. It can be intensely confusing and entirely contradictory in the most irritating ways to have romantic and sexual orientations that don't align perfectly. It's something many of us must live with. *shrugs* oh well.

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On 15/10/2017 at 12:34 PM, MulesRock said:

or actually aromantic enough to be just aromantic

I sort of have this struggle with my sexuality ~I don't think I should claim asexuality when I know I can be sexually attracted to people, although very rarely and sort of a side effect of another attraction. 

To me your fantasies don't really sound like romantic fantasies but more like a sensual fantasy based on the desire to be closer to them, and even if they are romantic fantasies they aren't directed at your physical friends like an attraction but focus on your mental image of your fantasy friend like some sort of romantic libido drive. You know best what your thoughts and there are no 'pure' police here so pick the term you feel most comfortable with and no one here will begrudge you using the aromantic label if you want to :) 

So welcome! 

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