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Coby Asola

Platonic vs QP

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Any advice on how to tell the difference between strong platonic attraction and QP attraction?

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For me, it's how much I desire emotional closeness with them, or more negatively, how much stress is involved in trying to make the friendship as great as possible. 

 

For people I'm queerplatonic with, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could spend more time with them, about how I can get to know them better. I will strategize ways to engage with them intimately, to ask them to hang out, and make them happy. There's a strong sense of urgency, and desire for perfectionism involved, which can sometimes result in more stressful interactions. I'll think about our friendship in a long-term sense, and whether I'm ready to commit to be their support for life.

 

For people I'm platonic with, everything is casual. I don't frequently think about how I could spend more time with them--I just seek them out when I feel like hanging out with them, or talking to them. I'm not thinking about the future of our friendship--frankly, it's not something that I care about. There's very little anxiety involved, because I feel like there's less at stake. I'm not planning ahead when it comes to building intimacy, and because I'm not planning ahead, there's no fear of messing up. 

 

Disclaimer: This is just my personal view of things. The way I express affection is by treating my relationships like a coding assignment, where I'm striving to write the most elegant code to maximize their happiness, hence the emphasis on perfectionism and planning. If you do not understand relationships within such a formulaic framework, this advice may be completely inapplicable.

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