Neir

It might seem weird, but I usually drop hints into conversations with new people (I find that I get asked out by strangers waaaay more than I get asked out by friends, if not exclusively). I'll say something that indicates I'm very busy and barely even get to consistently go out with friends to hang out (often an unfortunate truth for me). I do this kind of thing if I'm getting a too-interested-in-me-to-just-be-friendly vibe from the person, before they get a chance to ask me out. I am occasionally surprised though, and then I just tell them no: the truth that I am not interested. Honesty has always worked for me, especially when delivered friendlily and assertively.

I don't have much to add to the already great replies except my own experience with figuring out my label, so here goes!

For me, I have different levels of certainty regarding different parts of my identity. I can tell you that I know I'm asexual, for example, and haven't really wavered with that description much. I've always felt repulsed by sex, and especially when thinking about it involving myself. My aromanticism took a while, because I have a loving personality and sometimes feel extremely strong feelings for others, and other times have so little empathy I wonder if I'm sociopathic. I chose the "aroflux" label to accommodate these changing feelings, because one day I really do feel like a romance-repulsed aromantic and other days I find myself feeling those weird "not quite platonic but not romantic" feels. I think that an orientation can change if a person drastically changes. Like our bodies renew their cells and our brains rewire their nerve connections. But not /often/. If you find yourself oscillating frequently then terms like greyromantic (like you've identified) or -flux and -spike affixes come into play. Sometimes we use orientations to describe our /tendencies/ rather than as a catch-all no-exception behavioural rule. For me, I decided on "aroflux" because at the end of most days I feel aromantic, but on some occasions and with no explanation, I unlock those quasi-platonic and alterous feelings. I strongly tend towards aro.

I hope that helps a bit! Being interested in romance and feeling romantic attraction doesn't necessarily invalidate your label. Just like I've had a gay guy friend like and date a girl before (because she was the exception), you're quite allowed to use labels to describe your tendency, but bend in real life. Humans are far from certain and predictable, while definitions, by nature, really have to be. On the other hand, if you're still feeling at odds with the label you've chosen, maybe it is time to look at other definitions that are more specific that you feel more comfortable with.

I can definitely see how it can be tough to find like-minded people where you live, @Blue Kafka.  It's a sad reality sometimes, and I hope it can change in the future. I think that being more open with people in your local community, like you said, is a great place to start though! So I wish you lots of luck. Especially since you mention that your friend is similar to you and has managed to successfully find a companion in a relationship that works for her, I think that it is definitely possible for you.  Be patient (easier said than done, though, I totally get it). Even just being a roommate with a friend can help you feel like you have a companion but without the commitment right away. That would also get your parents off your back at least temporarily, maybe!

Very difficult question! (The companionship one, at least. I think many of us can empathize with feeling jealousy toward someone. When I feel ignored by a friend I can definitely get jealous and upset, in a way not unlike how couples get jealous.)

I'm not sure if it would work, as I haven't tried it myself, but I know that there are some internet-based forums that set up meetings between people who are alike. Where I live, we have something called meetup.com and on that site you can find groups in your area who share your interests and want to make friends and things like that. You might even find specific groups for people like yourself - who would love to find a companion but not in the traditional romance way. Other ways you might be able to find someone like this is by making friends with a local LGBTQA+ community that is welcoming. You might be surprised to find people who are looking for the exact same thing as you!

In sum, I think that meeting more people, making friends, and opening up (when possible, as I know that outing yourself to people is not always what you want to be doing) are some ways you can find people like you, who want the kind of relationship you do. Hope that helps even somewhat. 

These are all extremely helpful responses, and I'm comforted by the fact that everyone has defined their gender identity and what it means (if it even means anything) to them so differently. I'm also quite happy that many of you identify so strongly with my confusion and my experiences (I'm not alone! Whoo!!). It's such a difficult concept to pin down, and while some of us are comfortable identifying with such a nebulous concept, some of us are equally as confused by it and prefer to try to rationalize it or understand it before ascribing to it.

It's cool that some of you define gender through your relationships or orientation, some through gendered behaviours, some through the presence/absence of intrinsic feelings of belongingness, some with biological and neurological factors, and other things! It's been helpful to understand others' experiences (whether you do feel gender or not). I've tried writing all of these factors down and ended up creating a complicated chart (not unlike those ability polygons you see for character stats in video games), and I attempted to place myself in each of those areas... but I think that my doing that really revealed to me how little I personally identify with gender, haha.  Now I just have a journal page with complex polygons drawn all over it and question marks littering many of their vertices!

But I guess that my point is that the diversity I'm seeing in everybody's answers so far is really neat, and I've loved reading people's honest responses. I still have no answer to what the heck gender is, but I suppose I didn't really expect to from the beginning anyway, and that's ok. Thanks, guys!

Hi all, I've been having some gender identity trouble lately because of some misunderstanding and confusion over some of the concepts associated with gender. In sum (TL;DR), I can't think of examples of how gender identity can be expressed outside of presentation and would love input.

I identify with many experiences of females because I have presented as a female from birth. However, I do not feel intrinsically connected to the female identity or to females in general. I connect to personalities. I won't feel connected to a woman just because she is a woman (supposedly "like me"). I will feel connected to her if she shares some of my interests, though, or experiences and history. So, great, I don't identify with womanhood.

But, I really enjoy a lot of traditionally feminine things, including many so-called 'girly' fashions. To me, they're just cool or pretty, and I don't have an interest in them because I want to express a female gender identity. But I'm not sure if women in general think about explicitly expressing their womanhood when doing these things either. Furthermore, many people who identify as female don't even engage in these things and can be more butch. I look like a traditional cis female and have their privilege, especially because I am impartial to pronoun use for me (if people assume I'm female and use "she" to refer to me in conversation, I likely won't mind). But if someone were to come up to me and explicitly say, "You identify with women and the female gender, and you feel a part of the female gender coalition" or something to that effect, I feel like that description would be inaccurate for me.

Pronouns and presentation can be very important for some people. I think that knowing this makes it difficult for me to reconcile my ??? gender identity and highly feminine presentation, even though I /know/ they are completely separate.

I guess I'm looking for a bit about everyone's experiences with gender identity and how they express it (through presentation but, perhaps more relevant to my dilemma, through other ways).

This is such a cute thread.

I'm going to add that I took my senior dog for a walk today and she was so happy to be out with me she started trotting along and trying to get me to chase her like she used to do when she was a puppy. It was so cute and it made me happy. Dogs are so pure. 

72~

60!

52!

I'm not exactly sure what a deathstream is supposed to be...? So I'll just answer livestream and continue with another question:

Would you rather dive into the deep ocean in a submarine or go skydiving?

Love reading everyone's experiences in this thread; I identify with so many of you!

Of course, I always defaulted to straight but not explicitly since I was always focused on other things. But then once I had some intense feelings for a girl (I thought that it had to be a crush because I didn't know what else it could be, but now I can say that in hindsight that the attraction was alterous), so I edited to bi.

My attraction suddenly faded and I found myself disgusted by romance and sex a lot. I got to ace before I got to aro, but figuring those labels out went hand in hand as I learned about the aspec family online.

The aroflux is something I have started using recently, to incorporate the two or so times I have experienced alterous attraction. Labels are confusing but aroflux ace is a place where I comfortably sit. 

Yes, @byebyeshadowlands and @Old Goat, you both sum up my feelings perfectly!!

I think romantic relationships can be lovely and healthy (hell, I even find myself shipping fictional characters romantically sometimes), but not if they're built off of inequity or used as a means to advertise products. Romantic relationships should be rewarding in and of themselves, I think, and not rely on arbitrary and prescribed notions of what HAS TO be to be seen as legitimate.

On 16/01/2018 at 5:25 PM, Zorcodtoa said:

Romance would be better if we'd stop romanticising it, especially in such an egocentric fashion.

Precisely this. I find it really interesting that the verb we use to denote being unhealthily obsessed with something but ignorant of the "unhealthily" part (à la rose-coloured glasses) is related to the noun we use to label romantic relationships. But that's a different topic, I suppose!

One thing I have never understood about romance is that one-track obsession. A lot of my problems with typical romance are the same problems I have with gender roles/stereotypes and capitalism: the weird power and control fantasies, the idea of owning a valuable commodity and showing it off to seem "wealthier" (I'm reminded of people rating partners, like, "my girlfriend's a 10")... just like an obsession with wealth, where wealth has a really unhealthy definition in this context because people are not objects. (Furthermore, wealth is not an indicator of you 'winning at life,' necessarily.)

I've noticed that I support my friends' romantic endeavors when these aforementioned themes aren't present. What gets me is that their relationships, though, are often seen as atypical romantic experiences in the grand scheme of things. Sorry this is so long btw! I have many thoughts...