Just a Bear

I just realized I haven't done an intro post yet. 

Hi, I'm Ashe, I'm quoiromantic, asexual, and uh yeah. hi!

I don't know if I feel romantic feelings or otherwise. I kind of do want a relationship, but I don't know if it would be a qpr or if it would be dating. I really can't say until I meet someone I like, but either I feel romantic attraction or alterous attraction and I don't know which it is. There are people in my past I did like, but I don't have a strong memory so I can only make an educated guess as to what it was I really felt. It's possible most of them were platonic feelings. 

On 8/9/2021 at 2:31 AM, río said:

im in this weird place where i dont necessarily want  to be in a qpr w her, but if she asked, id 100% say yes.

I'm definitely like this.  In college I felt like this to some of my friends, and I never knew what to do. Sorry I don't have advice for you, but I can really relate. 

There was a few times I wanted to kiss, but mostly I don't feel sensual attraction.  I've done a variety of different sensual things with girlfriends, and it was something that I was okay with. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, but I also wasn't repulsed at all. It felt perfectly okay by me, so I would reciprocate in a relationship, but I doubt I'd initiate sensual activities. It's hard to say for sure though, I could be wrong, maybe next time I'm in a relationship I'll be different. Assuming there is a next time, I honestly don't know. 

On 8/6/2021 at 4:26 PM, mewix said:

Is there a term for like you just admire someone a lot

I would say I admire them or something, appreciate them, idk. Is it a platonic feeling of admiration? I think admire/appreciate would capture the feeling just fine. I don't know if there's anything else that could be said besides a squish. maybe it's alterous like was said, but I'm no expert on that. 

I'm not usually repulsed by romance, but sometimes I just feel like I've had enough of romance being in everything. I like platonic relationships, and there are so many times when an otherwise friendly relationship involves romance, and that can get annoying if I'm exposed to enough of it. These days I don't watch anything or read though. I'm more likely to rewatch shows I've liked than look for something new. 

 maybe I would've said that my poetry isn't about romance. but I'm nonconfrontational so I might just let him say it. It isn't really a rude thing for him to say, just a presmptuous one. so I wouldn't really be offended by what he said at all. I don't even know if I'd think it was weird, if no one said so. IMO romantic people are allowed to see things as romantic, as long as they aren't saying it about me.I don't even know if I'm aromantic, but like I said I might say that I don't write about romance. 

what is alterous attraction and how can I tell if I feel it? how does it differ from romantic attraction?

I posted a question along this line but it got removed for some reason.

I just want to know the aromantic opinion on this question. how do they differ? why are they not the same?

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

In fact, a lot of things couples do, we can do it with friends too.

this is very true. with the exception of kissing and cuddling, anything romantic is typically seen done with a friend. Makes the whole thing rather confusing, doesn't it?

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

actions that makes the relationship romantic but the feelings involved

and desire for a romantic relationship is a romantic feeling involved in this stuff. Someone who desires an intimate committed relationship with another person, that's romantic attraction. What else would romance be but desire to bond with someone? As more than just a friend?

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

Let's take the action of crying. Usually, it is associating with an emotion : sadness. So people will see someone cryong and assume they are sad.

Except that sometimes, people don't cry because they are sad. They can cry because they are relieved. They can cry because they laugh too much. They can cry because they hurt their body. A lot of reasons.

So even if we usually associated crying with an emotion, it is not necessary this emotion that leads people to cry.

That's the same thing with romantic coded things.

attraction isn't like crying. It's a pull towards someone that leads to something. With romantic attraction, it's any kind of pull to another person that leads to a desire to be emotionally intimate and committed to be with someone. You desire sharing your life with this person, whatever activity that means. I can see how you're making the statement that romantic coded activity does not necessarily mean romantic feelings are involved; someone could do these things with a friend after all. But if you desire to partner up with someone, that desire is labelled everywhere I look as romantic attraction.

edit: my thoughts on the matter have changed. 

if someone asks you, "what is romantic attraction" how do you explain it to them?

"Romantic attraction occurs when someone finds an emotional connection with another person, and this can include appreciating their personality, valuing their opinions, and looking to them for support." link

"attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons." link

"Romantic attraction is a form of emotional attraction based on a desire for a romantic relationship, or doing romantic activities with a particular person. This can include things like being physically close, affectionate speech, living together, making lifelong commitment decisions, doing things together exclusively, valuing the relationship more than others, and other forms of romantic affection" link

"What Is Romantic Attraction? Understanding The Urge To Seek Out A Mate" "The most stripped-down definition of romantic attraction is that it is an emotional response which most people experience at one time or another. This feeling results in the desire for them to have a romantic relationship with the person who makes them feel that way." link

"Romantic attraction is an emotional response, which most people experience at one point or another, that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with the recipient" 

Romantic attraction can be based upon various traits, qualities, or aspects. Physical qualities, ... [and] Qualities that are not instantly available, such as psychology, genetics, and cultural influence more often lead to a romantic interest as opposed to sexual. This form of interest develops into attraction over time, depending on how each individual relationship evolves and the formation of an emotional connection with the person of interest." "Romantic relationships are typically defined by the involvement of romantic actions while disregarding any sexual actions. Romantic actions include dinners, movies, long walks on the beach, sharing hobbies, and even kissing or cuddling." link

"Romantic attraction is an emotional response that most people often feel that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with the person that the attraction is felt towards. " link

"To me it isn't desire for a relationship, but leads to a desire for a relationship. The attraction is just a pull towards a particular person, wanting to spend time with them, wanting something from them that I do not want from any friend (a closeness, intimacy level, etc that isn't in my friendships). That may lead to a desire for a relationship, if all other variables match up - shared values, etc. " - a friend in another forum

"I have no difference in neediness between friends or The One who I have romantic feelings for, I just know it's not the usual familial/friend feelings" - another friend

What is romantic attraction but the emotional experience that revolves around the desire for a relationship? if someone desires a relationship with someone else, and selects a partner based off that desire, they are experiencing romantic attraction.

A squish and a crush are not different experiences. the only difference is that aa squish leads to the desire for friendship only, whereas a crush leads to a desire for an intimate relationship.

@Alexander @Autumn

flying

I consider myself queer, but then I'm nonbinary and biromantic. I personally don't know if aromantic fits as queer, I'm not an expert on what queer means. I think it's a reclaimed word meant to be empowering to the lgbtq+ community, so is aromantic lgbtq+? I think that would answer if it's queer.

20

True! I don't like raw fish though, so it's mostly eel and avacado rolls for me.

TPBM likes pets

2068

character

On 7/21/2021 at 10:28 PM, río said:

i've seen this term flung around, & for a bit identified w it. however, now, to me it feels like it's trying to erase a normal part of being aromantic by creating a new, more specific microlabel, basically insinuating that only people who are oriented aroace can experience tertiary attraction, or painting aros/aroaces who do not experience tertiary attraction as a separate group, essentially dividing us.

at the end of the day i really don't care too much, however it's interesting to hear others' takes.

I think it's interesting that you say it implies a divide. I don't think that's really the case, anyone can claim a label or choose not to. claiming a label marks it as important to you that that detail is provided. 

personally I don't get the point of the term. you're aro ace, you don't want an intimate relationship with anyone, so what is there to be oriented for? isn't that what orientation is about?