Just a Bear

I'll tell you about my experience. 

When I was a teen, I wanted to be a girl. I had fantasies of being a girl. But I didn't know transgender was a thing, so I thought it wasn't something important and thought that I was a guy so I did guy things and never knew. 

When I found Aven, my gender got put into question. after some questioning, I decided that I was female, and transgender, and came out to my parents. I was nervous about it. It was a new identity for me, and I didn't know what to think. I eventually started wearing women's clothing and living as a woman, but I was shy about it so I wore adrogenous leaning clothing. 

Now as I lived as a girl I learned things about myself. I had this idea in my head that I'd wear makeup, but I never got around to it. I realized that I had no motivation to wear makeup. If I had been born a girl, I wouldn't have worn makeup.

I kept thinking about wearing more feminine clothing, but I was too shy to do it. If I was a girl I'd do it, but I didn't feel like a girl. I was always seen as male by strangers, and didn't want any conflict by people being confused about my gender. And my body didn't match my gender, and that weighed heavy on me.

I thought about surgery, my idea was that I didn't want sex so I didn't want an artificial vagina because you have to work to maintain it (dilaters, you insert it to keep the vagina's shape) and if I'm not having sex I don't want one. But when I talked to the surgeon I got weirded out by her personality. So that idea was put on hold.

I thought about changing my voice, but again I lacked the motivation to do it. I felt like if I had to fake my voice, it wasn't really me. I wanted to change my voice anyway, I was willing to have a "fake" so to speak voice, (it isn't really fake, I just felt that way), but I lacked the motivation to get started and I put it on hold.

I continued as I was and started to feel more and more depressed. I was always depressed throughout my life, though I didn't understand that was what I was. I always had an idea in my head that I could leave and go west and start over if things got bad, and I did that, I left town and moved in with a friend and started over and started building a life. But I got really depressed, and having gone west already, that wasn't an option anymore. it got to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I went to the hospital for two weeks. 

I discovered that I was depressed because I wasn't a girl. I thought about everything, about how I didn't wear femininte clothing, didn't wear makeup, didn't want facial feminization surgery, (ffs) didn't want surgery in general, didn't have the motivation to practice a feminine voice, and realized, that being a girl wasn't something that would work out. I wasn't going to feel like a girl becauase my body and behavior wasn't feminine, and I wasn't going to be seen as a girl by strangers. I felt so depressed. 

I remembered back in college when I thought I was a guy and identified as a guy and was happy, I was actually not very depressed when in college, and realized that I could be happy as a guy, so I decided to stop identifying as a girl and stop wearing girl's clothes and to identify as male or maybe androgenous. And I did that. And I was depressed because I couldn't be a girl, but after about a year and a half that depression lifted. I'm still depressed, but it's very manageable, like it was in college I guess, it's much less than it was, and I'm content living life as a genderless "male" person. my depression is for other reasons now. My dysphoria stopped, because I accept my body as it is.

So because of my experience, what I have to say is that you gotta want to go through the motions of transition if you are going to transition. FTM are lucky because testosterone gives them masculine features, but MTF don't have that. They grow small boobs, and that's it. There's some fat redistribution, but it doesn't give you a feminine curve. MTF are stuck with their body unless they go through surgery. 

So if you want FFS, want to change your voice, want to wear feminine clothing, want to wear makeup, it's going to work out for you. if you already look feminine, it's going to work out for you. but If the song and dance isn't something you want, it'll be difficult to do. So my advice is to only get the idea in your head of changing your body to female if it's something you're willing and able to do. otherwise, getting the idea of change will be depressing. But I could be wrong, maybe minimal changes make you happy. 

What I can say is, I'm happy I have boobs. they may be small, but they feel like they belong. I'm happy on estrogen because it feels right in my body. I am still trans, but I don't identify as female, I identify as nonbinary. Being trans for me is wishing I had been born a female. But I wasn't, and medical transition isn't healthy for me, so I'm a "male" as far as any strangers are concerned, and I'm able to operate as a nonbinary guyish person and it doesn't make me depressed. 

It sounds like your body is making you depressed. It sounds like you wish you were born a girl. I think it's safe to say you're trans. If you want to go down that path, research it like crazy, learn what you need to do to be female and be confident that you want to go through the motions. But if that won't make you feel like a woman, or it isn't something you want to do, then don't do it. It's only worth it if it makes you feel like a woman and you can identify as a woman. It's okay to be a "guy" even though you wish different. It's up to you exactly how far you want to go with transition. And your identity is what fits you, not the other way around. If you're androgenous "guy", identify as nonbinary or agender or demiguy or something along those lines. If you're not that, and you want to transition, take the time to get confortable with it, take it as slow as you need to go, and identify as a transwoman. It'll take time to see the chanes, but if it's what you want to do, it will be worth it. 

I don't know what you want to do. I don't know if my advice is helpful. I hope my story helped you out too. Best of luck, and I hope you can find acceptance and find what gender you are. 

I only listen to muic without lyris. can't have romance if there's no lyrics!

welcome!

nothing is wrong with you don't worry. It may be rare, but aromantic is a thing, if that's what you are it's okay to be that way. It's okay if you don't get all that stuff that we are expected to have. If you want someone to love, you can still find someone, love doesn't need a romantic connection to exist. love is grown. but if not, that's perfectly okay! If you like being single, you can be single. 

I've been obsessed with defining romance and romantic attraction for the past month lol. so not me. I need to figure out if I'm romantic or not, and at this point I feel like not, but I can't know until the next time I catch feelings. I think I'm alterous, but my memory of past relationships is weak, so I'm not entirely sure.

All this questioning and research, and still I'm not confident in defining romantic attraction. The problem is that romantic things could be platonic in different circumstances, involving different people. You like to cuddle? that could be romantic, or it could be platonic. You want a person to call yours? could be romo, could be not.

what's something in a romantic relationship that you didn't like? Something that made you uncomfortable, or repulsed.

I don't. romantic feelings as far as I know, make the person feel more important or something else besides friendship. there is more element of attraction, so the relationship is more. I don't feel it devalues friendship so much so as it emphasizes the value of romance. So, I don't find it cringe at all.

I'll do this too since I'm questioning maybe it will give me some insight.

Quote

 

1. When you discovered the word “aromantic,” it felt like something finally clicked into place for you.

No, I thought I was romantic at first. And then I thought I was quoiromantic. I'm still unsure what my orientation is.

2. Identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself.

no, I don't feel that way.

3. When you discovered the concept of a “squish”, suddenly a lot of things made more sense to you.

Kind of, I suppose. I've definitely had squishes, so that much made sense. 

4. You have trouble telling the difference between romantic and friendly feelings.

yes, which is why I think I might be quoiromantic, but maybe I'm just aro, idk.

5. You’ve never had a crush on someone or fallen in love.

I’ve had a crush, have not fallen in love. 

6. You’re not sure if you’ve ever had a crush on someone or fallen in love.

yes to both

7. You have trouble telling the difference between a crush and a squish, or between romantic and aesthetic/sexual/sensual attraction.

I do have some trouble with a crush vs squish, but I know what aesthetic attraction is as opposed to romantic attraction. I don't feel sexual or sensual attraction.

8. You have doubted whether crushes or love really exist, or if they’re just cultural constructs.

I’m sure they exist, but maybe I don't feel it.

9. You find romance boring, annoying or upsetting when it appears in fiction, even if it’s written well.

I don't know.

10. You once thought that having a crush on someone meant you admired them or really wanted to be their friend.

yes

11. You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.

I guess I did choose my one crush, but I felt feelings for others as well. don't know if they're a crush though.

12. You forgot which acquaintance or celebrity you were supposed to have a crush on.

no

13. If you’re not asexual, a “friends with benefits” relationship sounds ideal to you.

n/a

14. You have trouble relating, or feeling involved, when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings.

no, I understood what was going on.

15. Falling in love doesn’t seem very exciting to you.

yes.

16. You don’t understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love.

right

17. You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.

exactly

18. You don’t understand why finding someone sexually/aesthetically attractive would lead you to want a committed relationship with them.

no, I get it. I do kind of want a relationsip, I guess. 

19. Or, maybe you sort of understand those things in an abstract way, but you can’t really relate to them.

I guess. I can kind of relate, kind of can't. 

20. You have never had a romantic relationship - not because you couldn’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you liked being single better.

I've had romantic relationships. But, I did never really bothered looking for them.

21. When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable.

No, I feel comfortable in a romantic relationship. But, I treat the relationship like a close friendship. With kissing.

22. Getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, than something you’re really enthusiastic about.

Yes.

23. Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are.

I guess?

24. A likable person suggests having a romantic relationship with you, and you’re indifferent to it - you’re open to trying it, but you won’t get disappointed without it. Other people may find your indifference bizarre or think you’re giving off mixed messages.

Yes.

25. You have felt guilty about not loving your romantic partner as much as they loved you, even though you sincerely cared about them and wanted to love them back.

Yes.

26. You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.

No.

27. When your last romantic relationship ended, you felt relieved and free more than you felt sad, even if your partner broke it off, and even if you liked them very much as a person.

Yes. But I did feel sad for losing my first two relationships

28. You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.

Yup.

29. You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.

Right

30. You’d rather spend Friday night having a sleepover party with your buddies than going out on a date.

Neither. but, yes.

31. You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.

yes

32. It’s not so much the idea of being single forever that bothers you, so much as being alone or unwanted.

neither. 

33. You are either oblivious to other people flirting with you, or feel uncomfortable or threatened by it.

I don't know if anyone's ever flirted with me.

34. You are sometimes perceived as flirtatious when you only meant to be friendly.

Maybe. people thought I was pursuing a relationship when I was only pursuing friendship.

35. You live in a large community and see or meet hundreds of people around your age every year, but none of them have ever stirred romantic feelings in you.

No. I have had feelings, don't know if it's romantic or not.

36. You recognize whether something is romantic or not by comparing it to other gestures, words and signals that your culture has taught you are romantic, rather than “feeling” the romance of it intuitively.

Yup.

37. When you say or do romantic things, it feels like you’re following a script or copying romantic things you’ve seen elsewhere, rather than something spontaneous and natural to you.

N/A.

38. When thinking about what sort of person you’d want to date, your criteria are identical to what you would want from a best friend.

Yup.

39. The main benefit you get from a romantic relationship is either platonic, sensual, sexual, or a combination of those; the romantic aspect is okay but it’s not really the part you like most.

Right.

40. You have trouble imagining romantic activities that you would enjoy, unless those activities are also fun or interesting for you on a platonic or intellectual level.

I don't know what a romantic activity would be.

41. You feel like your closest friends and/or queerplatonic partners are better at fulfilling your emotional needs than romantic partners would be.

Either is fine.

42. You would rather be huggy, cuddly or emotionally intimate with all of your friends instead of reserving your intimacy for just one person.

I don't know if I want intimacy, but it is nice. so, no.

43. You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.

yes.

44. You don’t feel as if you’re missing anything in your life right now; having a romantic partner might be nice, but you don’t need it or seek it out.

right.

45. The idea of being single forever sounds awesome to you.

I wouldn't say awesome. so, no.

46. You enjoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled “romantic,” but at no point during them do you actually feel attracted to whoever you’re with.

IDK.

47. You don’t enjoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled romantic, either because the romance aspect bothers you, or because all of them are just plain unappealing to you.

IDK.

48. You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.

I'm not interested in such activities. So, yes.

49. You’re not sure why other people enjoy romantic stories; you usually just find the lead characters to be annoying, boring or dysfunctional.

N/A.

50. You like the idea of having a big wedding celebration more than the idea of actually marrying someone.

Neither.

 

Ten nos, 26 yeses, 14 maybe or n/a. SO I look kind of aro. I think I experience alterous attraction, which would explain the nos. I wouldn't mind being in a romantic relationship, possibly even like it, but I have never really sought it out or desired it with anyone. I did ask one person out, but I kind of did it because I thought I was supposed to. With all three of my relationships, my feelings and actions were like that of a close intimate friendship. I didn't know how to behave romantically. Didn't even know I was supposed to.

If you don't feel romantic attraction, you would be aro. But if you do feel some romantic attraction, you might be greyromantic. 

Romantic attraction is wanting to do romantic things with someone, or wanting to be in a romantic relationship with someone. 

what exactly is romantic is difficult to define. most things that are romantic can be felt platonically for someone as well. what makes something romantic is often said to be the romantic intent behind the gesture.

Romantic attraction might feel like limerence or attachment to a person. Thinking of them throughout the day, wanting to be close with them and spend time with them, wanting to build a future with them, wanting exclusivity with them. 

Liking someone's appearance is called aesthetic attraction. 

you might find "you might be aro if..." interesting or insightful to read.

also, if you're willing to do a lot of reading to find the answer, here is a post I did of romantic research, trying to define romance as different from the platonic.

you kind of have to respect the reality of your feelings. You don't want to hurt others, so remember that others don't want to hurt you. Setting boundaries by saying no is healthy.

I don't know if my advice helps any but I'll give it a shot. Personally, I have to turn down invites and leave before the social time comes to an end. it's so hard to do those things. I honestly don't know how I do it, I just do it. I have to make a conscious choice to do something difficult.

You're not too young to know. And anyway, if you feel something later that changes what label fits you, you simply update your label to match your new feelings. 

here is the thread You might be aro if.... It has a bunch of relateable posts about what being aro feels like. I don't think someone can definitively identify that they are romantic or aromantic, I think it has to be a judgment call. You have to basically decide that yes, you are x, based on your subjective feelings about romance. 

On 8/30/2021 at 2:59 PM, Guest Angel said:

because it is something I want

I think it's definitely possible to want romantic things and be aromantic, someone who wants romance but doesn't feel romantic for others would be cupioromantic. But also, Wanting romance in your life could be a sign that you can have those feelings. Oh but then, defining your orientation on what could be doesn't really make sense. It makes more sense to say, "I look aro now so maybe I am aro. If things change, I'll update my label"

For myself, how I determined that I might be aromantic is that I never actually pursued romance with anyone. I had strong feelings for people, but there never existed a desire to be romantic with them, every time my behavior with my "crushes" looked like befriending them / being friends with them. But right now I'm not 100% sure I'm aromantic, I feel I have to have those feelings again to say for sure if I'm aromantic or romantic. 

I always thought of myself as someone romantic because I do have feelings for people. But now I’m learning that I might be aro. My feelings might have been platonic or alterous.

 Anybody else think they were romantic until you learned you were not? how did you find out you were aro?

So recently I did a lot of research and questioning on the topic of romantic attraction and discovered I might be aro or greyro. I just never sought out romance and only one time did I actually want to date but dating her we looked like friends and not romantic.

 Now that I know this, I find myself asking if I want a relationship and I honestly can’t tell if I do. 
 

I’ve always thought of myself as romantic so it’s really confusing to think I might be aro or grey. I feel lost, like I lost a part of myself.

 Any advice or thoughts? I’m trying to figure out feelings that I barely remember and don”t currently feel. I don’t know what to think.

Attraction isn't determined by blushing

man I wish I knew my orientation when I was younger for sure. But just knowing that these orientations existed wouldn't have actually changed anything, I feel ulterous attraction and pretty strongly so I would've mistaken it for sexual and romantic attraction for sure. I would have needed someone to tell me, you don't feel sexual attraction, you rarely feel romantic attraction, but you do feel alterous attraction. This means you like people lots, but don't desire sex or romance with them. So you basically want to be their friend, but would totally be down to date if they did want that. And that would have saved me a lot of trouble. 

YMBAI your relationship looked like friends being friends

YMBAI you're playing truth or dare and your friend keeps asking you how you really feel about them and you don't understand why.

YMBAI someone has feelings for you and you feel confused as to why, not flattered. 

I honestly don't know.  I think most of my feelings were alterous, and that I don't feel romantic attraction, but I don't know for sure

There was one friend who We weren't a couple, we were just friends, we didn't have romantic feelings for each other, but her friends kept trying to get us to hook up. It eventually caused her to ask me to stop being her friend. And I felt devastated. I cried. because of bullying as a child, I rarely cry. But, the catch is, that might have been alterous attraction, and I kind of think it was. I would have been willing to date her if she was interested, even though I didn't desire it. So I think I liked her alterously. I think losing her as a friend felt like a breakup. honestly it hit me harder than my breakup with my second girlfriend, who I definitely had feelings of some sort for her. I thought I liked her romantically, but honestly I think it wasn't. I'm not very romantic of a person. So I think I feel alterous attraction only. 

Did they come out as aromantic? that's pretty cool. 

I don't really think about other people. But then, I don't have any friends or to think of. I'm not interested in the people who are in my life, except for my family, who IDK I guess they're alright.

did I think about girls when I was younger? I guess, yeah I did, I thought about them. but then, I do feel alterous attraction, so that's why I thought of them. I would notice liking someone. but to be honest, I didn't really think about them much beyond that. In college, I'd be very social, visiting friends and hanging out with friends a lot. I didn't really think about anyone beyond interacting with them though.

so I don't think I feel romantic attraction, and I'm asexual, so like, idk. 

I would think about people I made up. But I'd make up people of both male and female characters. But that's something I did think about, ironic isn't it, I think about people I make up more than people irl. But I don't do that anymore. IDK why I stopped. I used to have a very active imagination.

so that's my experience with thinking about other people. I don't really do it beyond interacting with them.

2073

false

tpbm has ridden a motorcycle

Lasagna!

On 7/19/2021 at 11:45 AM, nonmerci said:

Google tells me that English for crêpes is pancakes

nah we call em crepes. I guess they are kind of like thin pancakes? regardless, crepes are delicious :)  I like pancakes too xD

wow that sucks. what a dick. I mean I guess he feels betrayed by a breakup but the things he said were very not okay. 

idk what to do. personally I'd be too afraid to confess anything. I wouldn't know what to say.