Untamed Heart

I think it's funny that when I inherited my brother's room after he got married that I wanted to repaint it either black, purple or green. Mum wouldn't let me have black as it's 'too dark', so I compromised and had purple, a sort of Cadbury shade but on the red side rather than blue. Also I have white furniture.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm some kind of feral human being, self isolating so much it's getting harder to be around most other people that long without getting restless, tired, agitated or bored and wanting to crawl back under my rock to recharge. And when anyone suggests the possibility of just not having met the right person, it feels like they're trying to lure me into some kind of trap, even though it's usually well meaning.

On the one hand, I can't deny it's possible, but on the other, I feel I may be too apathetic about socialising/the prospect of a potential (but unlikely) 'bolt from the blue' type romo to bother changing. It's not even a wholly realistic scenario either, as it is based on idealising another person, putting them on a pedestal until the hormonal fog wears off, but I'm not going to go out looking specifically and I'd be happier not to meet anyone who struck me that way. If real life were more like Disney, it might be different though.

I was fairly happy at first in my last relationship (once the initial depression lifted), but not exponentially happier than I was as a long term singleton.

Also I'm still weirdly nostalgic about being with him, though even after 3 months it felt horrible and almost as meaningless as previous relationships. I feel like I've been following him walking away from a distance, picking up the pieces of his broken heart and putting them in a box for preservation.  

The future's bright, the future's Orange! (and red, yellow, black and white, green and purple and grey!)

Ugh. I let some guy in the door at work this afternoon because he was asking to see the manager about getting our outer wall fixed (as it got knocked down by a car again a few months ago) and he was talking about insurance and stuff. I didn't understand what he meant exactly, but let him in anyway. Turned out he was a random town drunk...  

Also, I went to the knitting shop after work and found a ball of yarn with all the aromantic flag colours in it  (I bought it too)

Just chewing over a thought I've had for a little while, and haven't seen addressed on any aro pages (but it probably has been at some point, and I admit this whole thing I'm typing is going to be generalised and probably sound completely stupid), that even though the result of being lithro or a so called 'commitment phobe' or person with commitment issues, can often be basically the same concerning romantic relationships, there seem to be important distinctions between the two types of people (though also, maybe some of them are liths and have no idea, and predictably end up getting that label. I've certainly wondered if I had commitment issues myself in the past).

From what I read up about (so called) commitment phobes, it seems they're more able to maintain their romantic feelings, maybe even for years, but not totally settle with one person. Maybe some (alloromantic) people just want to keep their options open, or it's some kind of uncertainty about the specific person, or people they've been with (not meeting the right people, but staying for at least a while, out of convenience or some other reason, but not being 100% happy with the situation).

I think the bottom line is, the crux of the issue for a person who doesn't want to commit likely isn't not being able to handle/disliking romantic reciprocation (I am aware some liths can in some circumstances too, but they might need more autonomy and space than an alloromantic person. Pretty sure I'm not one of them, though).