cyancat

...false? alksfj i don't really have a preference either way but since i type more, i'll go with saying false.

TPBM has a pet

Never Ever Underestimate Trans Rights On Injectable Steroids

AMARANTH

INFP/INTP

really tends to fluctuate lmao

went w male because when it comes to my orientation, that’s the terms i tend to think of myself as, but i’m technically n-b so

so. i’ve referenced it a couple of times. maybe more ... mostly because it’s the reason i even realized i was probably aromantic. but i have this friend that i’m really close to. and i had a squish on them, though i considered that it could be a crush at the time.

and... up until that point i assumed the fact that i was interested in romantic fiction & the fact that i’d “crush” on pretty much anyway who let me be excitable with them as solid proof of my alloromantic-ness.

but then this said friend developed feelings for me and they seem really into me now — which doesn’t bother me at all — but it did make me realize that i don’t... really have the same kind of feelings.

for a little while, i thought maybe i was akoiromantic or something, but the more i’ve mused over it, the more i think i am much closer to just being aromantic. i’ve never truly crushed on anyway, so much as i wished myself into crushing on people. and obviously just because i’m interested in romance in fiction doesn’t mean i actually experience it in real life.

wasn’t super obvious to me before, clearly, but. yeah. anyway.

so i’m pretty aromantic or at least very grayromantic. i don’t necessarily feel romantic feelings for this person. i’m not bothered by the fact that they feel romantic back. and... since i’m super touch-starved i also don’t mind touch from people i’m close to who ask first. which, being just as touch-starved but also averse as me, this person understands. and i would say i love them? i care about them a lot, but i’d say it’s more closer to the degree of a friend.

that being said, i do think i’ve developed like... alterous type of feelings for them? i’d say perhaps a little closer to platonic than romantic, but maybe that’s just my crippling fear of commitment and responsibility speaking.

anyway, that’s all to say that i really want to tell them that i’m aromantic. i’m... really scared of hurting them though. they seem really invested in this idea of a potential romantic relationship with me. again, it doesn’t bother me, and part of me is interested in exploring some sort of relationship? if only because i am so touch-starved and we’re just really close in general, so i’m just comfy with them. but also i don’t know if the fact that i don’t necessarily return romantic feelings will hurt them? or even if i explain the feelings i do have, they’ll fully convey how asynchronous i might be with the whole romance thing.

how in the world would i even go about explaining things?

lakskdls honestly it’s an inevitably that i will have to explain things. it’s not really an argument of “should i.” since this person is so connected in the spaces i’m typically in, it’s really hard when i can’t express the fact that i’m aro because it might reach them and they might end up feeling hurt.

but, you know, i care quite a bit about them and i don’t want to lose their friendship. so idk what manner i should go about in explaining things, hence, i’m hoping for some advice.

i don’t know why i like romantic fiction myself tbh. maybe it’s because we’ve been constantly told romance is a good thing so we live vicariously through fiction for the parts of life that we can’t experience ourselves? 

blood

i’m offended that i couldn’t even be here for the funeral b/c i wasn’t on the forum yet :((

@El011 the only thing being pointed out is that the idea that "ace-aro spectrum does not exist" is just shit used to keep people from identifying with what they feel most comfortable with.

that the ace-aro spectrum might exist as a valid model does not mean you have to identify with it at all! it just means that you can if you want to.

6 hours ago, Holmbo said:

@cyancat
I feel like there are some aspects of single narrative that are separate from romantic relationship. For example in my experience singles are assumed to live alone. They're assumed to be more career oriented than those with a spouse and kids. They're generally viewed as more comfortable doing things on their own.

At least this was the narrative I internalized and sort of strived for myself. And it was not until later I've realized I do want strong committed relationships.

perhaps we have a bit different ideas then!  for me, it’s been solely about not having a committed partner. and maybe it’s because of the region i live in that it’s seen as more immature than necessarily a good thing in the narrative alskfls;;.

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I think it won't solve anything to answering erasure by erasure, you know what I mean?

Grey area is not allo or aro per se. Some people consider themselves allo, others consider themselves aro. And we shouldn't say that one of them is wrong, because it depends to their personal experience of attraction. I think it is up to the person to define which group they feels closer to.

Also, I really don't see how saying that aro and ace are spectrum is watering them down? How could it do them wrong? I can get why a grey person would feel upset if they consider themselves allo. But alloromantic who are in the "norm"? That's not their role to decide where a person fits.

some people consider themselves allo, others consider themselves aro — yeah, that was my point. i said as much that it was about was allowing the choice if you identify as allo or aro. it’s not anyone’s business where that line is drawn except for themselves. i focused more heavily on the idea of someone identifying more as aro because the concept brought up was the idea that there was no aro/allo-spec, which just seems like classic gatekeeping rhetoric, like vhenan said.

alskdlsl ngl i struggled quite a bit. the questions seem to conflate emotional closeness and romantic attraction?? not to mention one of the questions literally “love & sex? i love them!” as something you’re least likely to say. like. love? ?? akskdks. that tripped me up quite a bit. i went with “i love sex” because that first one just bothered me alsjdksl. like, it all just seems utterly absurd for me to say especially in conjunction. so maybe i shoulda gone w it after all ahaha

anyway i literally got 33% aroallo / aroace, then 25% alloace. and as a 0%, alloromantic. 

uh i think there might be a bit of a flaw there

7 minutes ago, El011 said:

there is no "norm" by which every single person or even most people experience romantic attraction.

(perhaps not, but there’s definitely the idea of the normative.)

people can still have more similar experiences with one person or group of people to another. labels help finding those people, so saying that aro/ace-spec doesn’t exist can alienate a lot of those people. where they may relate far more to ace/aro, they’re told that their experiences aren’t valid and they’re still allo; more akin to the media portrayals and common conversations that they’ve likely discovered they don’t really relate well to in comparison with aro/ace experiences

the thing is though, the single narrative really only applies to romantic relationships? just because one may find empowerment in being single doesn’t mean they don’t have a community around them, just that they aren’t tethered by a committed relationship. or at least that’s how i’ve seen it generally depicted.

people definitely value the people around them/community/family/etc., even if they subscribe to the “single narrative.” perhaps there’s a bit of a conflation with the idea of being “single” and the requisite of society that you ought to be financially independent. one does not correlate with the other—being married does not mean you aren’t financially independent (actually it’s seen as even more of a sign of financial maturity)

likewise, i’d argue being single is seen as more immature? idk, i think the single narrative is a specific reaction to the idea that you have to be married or in a committed relationship as some rite of maturity — not necessarily against the idea of a community as a whole. i’d argue that the single narrative tends to prioritize the community, in fact. (since there’s no romantic commitment otherwise as a higher priority for allos alskfksl)

i can’t say there isn’t a toxicity of the single narrative — that romantic/like relationships or otherwise are somehow beneath one, but i’m not sure what you mean when you’re talking about living alone as a contrast to the single narrative?

i do think there is a great deal of exclusionary thought going into that though. these labels serve best in finding people who are similar to us. maybe you do occasionally experience romantic feelings. to say that makes you allo though, that because you experience romantic attraction once or twice is enough cause to make you allo, ignores the fact that you don’t experience romantic attraction by the same norm that others do. but you don’t have to identify as aro-spec, even if you fit it definitionally. that’s not the point. the point is that you can choose to identify as aro-spec and find a community of people who have more similar experiences than the mainstream.

Spaghetti 

i definitely felt that same pride about the idea of being single for life. but i think a lot of that has to do with being constantly pressured into romantic relationships. as a child, my sibling and i were outright told that even though we may not be interested in relationships and children now, we would be and we should. and, of course, being a snotty nosed kid, i ended up leaning even more into the idea of being single as better mostly to get back at the adults that insisted it was the right thing to be in a relationship.

now, i’d say i have a fairly neutral perspective of that sort of thing. marriage, cohabitation, etc., is a matter of practicality. it’s neither good or bad, just something that i may consider for practical reasons. people can absolutely be proud that they’re able to be single, just like they can be proud that they’re married or poly or etc., like rolo said, even if i feel pretty ambivalent myself

anyway, i do see the perspective of the strong, independent single person as more of a reaction to the idea that they have to get married than anything else.

i don’t have to worry about crushes anymore. or... make up elaborate reasons and stories about how i totally definitely have a crush on this one person. it’s... very freeing realizing that i’ll never have a crush on someone no matter how long i wait; i don’t have to wait anymore.

to the people saying they would rather adopt, thank you. thank you so much. that means a lot to me. it’s really dumb alskdls, but i’m adopted so for me the idea that people would rather have biological children of their own hurts a lot. i’ve been on the end of my own mother having a bias for her biological grandchildren over her own child and it’s... alskdls, idk, adopted children don’t seem to be as valued as biological children even tho they’ll absolutely see their adopted parent as their family but the family may not necessarily... treat them the same back because they’re not biological

anyway that’s all to say that found family is a favorite trope of minefor a reason alskdksl

as someone who obsesses unwillingly over ships, that someone may ship real life people doesn’t bother me in itself since i think people tend to be ship personas. i don’t think it’s right to invasively push your shipping agenda onto real people, and it may feel a bit uncomfortable that people would put that out for the shipped persons involved to find, which is all fair, but i don’t think it’s right to judge a person just because they do have real life ships.

anyway, that’s all to say i don’t actually ship real life people myself and i’d feel really weird if i did. that being said, i don’t think that’s happening any time soon because i’ve been obsessing over this one ship for a while now and i can’t get out. i sound really dramatic but quite frankly i’m honestly sick of these characters. like, i love them they’re lots of fun, but i want to move on to other ships (platonic & romantic) but i literally cannot. i always go back to my OTP and it kinda sucks alskdksla

brain really said marry ur OTP and suffer in the fact that you wanna be is free

uhh, in terms of shipping preferences, mine tend to be all romantic? when i think about things in terms of fantasy, i tend to choose romance and roses and all that jazz. that’s all ignoring the fact that my favorite parts of things tend to be the least explicitly romantic bits so. uh. but i’ve idealized romance to the point that i do actively choose it over queerplatonic even tho in terms of actual dynamics, i end up preferring the less romantic bits alskfksla. 

that i may sometimes identify as transmasc (genderfluid so it tends to fluctuate alskdls) generally doesn’t have anything to do with gender expression. for me, it’s more a matter of just, in essence, feeling male, but reluctant to say i’m male. not because it wouldn’t be accurate, just more out of self-consciousness that my gender expression isn't expressively “male.”

wow ok so i relate really hard to all of this? the main thing that helped me was actually being confronted by the possibility/becomings of a romantic relationship and suddenly, violently realizing that the romantic feelings i thought i had were more akin to squishes or maybe alterous attraction? which, i would perhaps recommend looking into? it helped clarify a lot for me anyway.

i tend to jive w the adrogynous aesthetic. used to think i had a sexual/romantic attraction to those types but eh?

in terms of personality, i'm not sure if i actually have a type. literally anyone who i get along with, i'll probably be following like a sad puppy dog. not romantically alsdjf, but squish wise, yeah. i'm really excitable so just anyone who will let me be excitable w them i cling onto sob. bonus points if they're excitable w me. asjdlksdfkl,,,

i'm a teen too.

i only realized i was aro when a friend started having feelings for me and while i thought i returned those feelings (and in one way, i guess i do? idk its complicated but it doesn't feel like it's quite in a romantic sense - more like a general 'love and care' for a close friend) i've kinda realized that their feelings are... pretty different from mine. i'm not necessarily opposed to a romantic relationship with them since i'm quite touch-starved so i kinda want the physical contact that goes into it? but i also don't see it as necessarily a romantic relationship so much as a close... for lack of better words, friendship.

honestly tho,,, realizing i'm aro has been more distressing for me than anything else. i try not to think about it too much, but i've fallen so hard in love with the idea of being in love i guess? i mean, i've mostly made my peace with the fact that i'll never experience romantic feelings. or, more accurately, when i think about my relationship with said close friend, i realize that i feel satisfied/happy/content with what i currently feel? but romance is so idealized that there's just a part of me that wants to wallow over the fact that i'll never experience it (or at least not to the extent as others do).

on the upside, i no longer spiral in attempting to convince myself that i absolutely have a crush on 'x' because that was shit i used to do for... some reason? much to my own consternation, i always wanted to be in love with someone. never managed truly managed though, but man was i living in that denial for a long time

Can't experience any intersectionality if at least one of those things you're too stuck in the closet to talk about/avoid like a wildfire IRL sweat.

In all seriousness though, I'm from a place that definitely doesn't even know something like aromanticism exist. Everyone around me is also very white alsdjfl. There may be like a few Hispanic/Latino people but from where I live that just means the majority of them are conservative as well so... yeah, from what I can tell @ my college, the LGBTQ+ group there is mostly white people too.