Rolo

On 9/17/2020 at 10:24 PM, nonmerci said:

Don't know if this is part of why I didn't discover my identity before (main reason if I didn't know it was a possibility), but yes. I had friends my age but we never talked about crushes at all. Fun fact : I don't know if she is aro or not but one of these friends is still single because she thinks her studies and finding a job are more important right now, and she keeps refusing to date.

So I never relate to the "all my friends say that and I feel alienated" because my friends don't talk about crushes. The only time they did, well they were not really my friends but people of my class. They wanted to know my crush and I said the name of a cute guy. That's it.

It was the same for me. I had friends who never even mentioned crushes, and we would laugh about how silly our 1 friend who was really into dating was acting. I didn't feel "different" at all. Then at uni the social culture shifted so that there was just far less emphasis on sex and relationships in general. Plenty of people didn't show much sign of dating, those that did where quiet about it, again I felt perfectly normal in not being interested in relationships, though this was the stage where I realised that I was asexual.

My understanding of the definition of "platonic" is that it refers to close, intimate, or loving friendship, that is not sexual or romantic. So casual friendships would not necessarily be a platonic relationship. Another less strict definition of "platonic" is simply "without sex or romance".  You can have sexual relationships with friends, which would by definition not be platonic.

I have a friend who was so severely dysphoric about her breasts that she thought she was trans and was going to have them removed as part of transitioning. Her parents insisted she see a therapist first. She eventually realised she wasn't trans and managed to work through her dysphoria around her breasts. 

4 hours ago, Guest Recipno said:

If you mean to imply that I have only ever experienced infatuation and not deeper love ... I find that unlikely.

I didn't mean to imply anything, I was just answering the question

4 hours ago, Guest Recipno said:

I am human and work this way, therefore this is how humans work?That is as logical as it is unhelpful. While it may be true in a strict interpretation of the word, this does not mean my experience is either common or readily understood by other humans. 

Sorry you don't find it helpful, I hope you find something that is. It may well  be very uncommon, I have no idea... but so is aromanticism, so you are in good company regardless.

4 hours ago, Guest Recipno said:

Also: does the idea that if I am able to turn off my feelings like that, they never were "real" feelings (real romantic attraction in this case, I suppose) ring true?

Not to me.

In day to day life, pretty much never. I may occasionally say "I have no interest/experience in relationships" to preface a comment on other people's relationships when asked for advise. I also have an aroace friend who I occasionally share an aro themed comment or joke with, but I have not actually had a discussion with them about it since the first "hey we're in the same 'aromantic asexuals' facebook group! That's why you looked familiar when we first met." "oh hey what are the chances, this is like meeting a unicorn" exchange.

Another way I'm a "bad aro": amatanormativity doesn't bother me, at all.

On 9/19/2020 at 12:23 AM, Guest Recipno said:

Can anyone relate or has anyone heard of people with similar experiences?

I've seen other people describe similar experiences, normally teenagers/younger adults who are just experiencing limerence/infatuation not deeper love, or are "in love with idea of love" not the actual person.

On 9/19/2020 at 12:23 AM, Guest Recipno said:

And apparently that's not "how humans work"?!

Nonsense. The human experience is very varied, we don't all work the same way. I don't even think your experience is all that extraordinary. I was told that by someone when I was explaining that I don't grieve when someone I love dies, my response was "well I'm a human and it's how I work so you are clearly very wrong you moron" (ok I didn't say "you moron", but it was heavily implied).

I was raised vegetarian, and these days eat mostly vegan, but I call myself flexitarian because I'm really not fussy about it, if there are no decent vegan or veggie options at a restaurant or if a friend cooks me meat, I'll eat it.

Do lots of research and prepare to overwhelm her with scientific evidence. In case you are not familiar with it, Google Scholar is a useful resource for finding peer reviewed papers. Books like "Sex at Dawn" might be useful resources re. polyamory. Also be prepared for her to reject everything you say, most people are simply not open to changing their minds, especially about beliefs which are fundamental to how they view the world and have structured their lives.

Personally I don't bother.

2 hours ago, Leton. said:

It's funny, because most of the time i can't make the difference between qpr and close friendship ?‍♂️ (not saying that qpr is invalid of course, just not a thing i focus on ). 

Yeah I get that too. When people are talking about QPRs I'm either thinking "so... you want a romantic relationship under another name" or "so you want a close friend with a fancy label". Each to their own ?

I second the QPP thing. I don't get it. I don't see any difference between how many people describe their ideal QPR and a romantic relationship, and it seems a bit like even around aros I'm still odd for lacking that desire for a committed relationship.

You can identify however you want, just be open to the possibility that it might change 

I heard about aromanticism in ~2014 I think, after spending a bit of time on AVEN. I'm 31. This poll has made me feel old ?

13 hours ago, GilcoShmilco said:

I wasn’t planning on mentioning it because I didn’t think it was relevant and I didn’t want to add to the confusion that people have in differentiating asexuality and aromanticism, but within asexuality, I’ve discovered a subset called aegosexuality, or autochorissexuality. It amounts to liking the idea of sex but not wanting it for yourself in real life, and I’m beginning to think I’m in a similar situation where romance is concerned - I love dreaming about it, but actually getting into it gives me pause. Is there a term for this yet in the aromantic community? 

I experience autochorisexuality, and am asexual, and my experience of romance is very similar. I enjoy reading romantic novels and fantasising about romantic relationships, but have no interest in ever having a romantic relationship my self. This closely echos how I enjoy reading smut and have sexual fantasies but have no interest in ever having sex myself. I'm not aware of a corresponding term in the aro community though. Personally I feel that just aromantic is a good enough term, as my internal fantasy life really isn't relevant to anyone but me.

To be clear, autochorisexuality/anegosexuality is not really a subset of asexuality, is an expression of sexuality which people of any orientation can experience, where there is some disconnect between their sexual fantasies  and real life sexuality (an example would be rape fantasies, they are surprisingly common but very few people who have them have any interest in actually experiencing them even as part of consensual role play). The asexual community coined the term because that disconnect is just much more obvious, and the fantasies that much more important, when you have no interest in IRL sex at all.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

So I guess what I’m asking is: does anyone have any life experience that can help my friend out with this?

All I can say is that just because at a certain age many of your friends will start getting into committed relationships and having kids doesn't mean that you'll lose them. My friends have been pairing off for  years (I'm 31 and my friends ages vary between 45 and 25), only a couple of them are married but several of them are living with their partners, and they are all still very much a part of my life. None of them have expressed any interest in having children though, more and more people are choosing to be child free these days.

 I have spent more time with my sister since she and her husband had their first child than I had for years beforehand.

That said, it is perfectly normal to drift apart from some friends over time, people change and lives go in different directions. When that happens you make new friends who are compatible with your current self.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

What does living alone look like in the heteronormative world?

Living alone for me looks like... living alone. I don't really know what that question means. I will say that I do love living alone. It means freedom to live however I want, not having to adjust to other people schedules, or habits, or food preferences, or level of cleanliness, or accommodate all their junk. It means I can live in a small studio flat and never feel crowded or have my space invaded. It means I can dance around the living room naked and leave my clothes on the floor and never have to clean up after anyone else. It's awesome.

You don't have to live alone though, roommates are a thing.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

Are you lonely?

I've been lonely throughout the Covid-19 lockdown because I couldn't see any of my friends or family, but normally I'm never lonely. I have wonderful friends who I see regularly, I visit my sister and her family twice a month, normally I never go a week without spending time with people I care about. At home I have my cat to keep me company.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

Do you wish you were married?

I have never wished I was married.

I suppose if asked I would describe myself as generally romance positive, I am totally fine with other people being romantic and acknowledge that it is healthy and necessary to most peoples wellbeing. I would also describe myself as personally romance averse, in that I have no intention to have a romantic relationship. I don't really identify with any such terms though.

None of that sounds romantic to me, but I'm not her.

It could be that because she knows you know that she is aroace she feels able to behave affectionately and be playful in this way without fear that you will misinterpret it as romantic. I feel far more free to behave in ways which might be perceived as flirty with friends who know I am aroace.

If you want clarification, you will have to ask her.

My question is why would someone who is asocial and aromantic want a partner? ?

I suppose you would just have to find someone who's goals in finding a partner are the same as yours. Most people will not want a partner who doesn't get any enjoyment out of their company though. That sounds like an incredibly depressing relationship.

There is no such thing as 2 people who have the exact same feelings for each other. If you are in a romantic relationship, doing romantic coded things with someone you love, then you are no different from thousands of other people in romantic relationships with partners who experience or express their love differently from their partner. This is why concepts such as attachment styles and love languages exists, to help couples navigate relationships with people who are inevitably different from them.

All you can do is express your feelings and intentions as clearly as possible, and then respect the other persons ability to make their own choices on whether what you are offering is what they want.

I used to be incredibly oblivious about this sort of thing, to the point of actually dating a couple of men without realising.

My worst rejection was one of those guys, first year of uni and I was really happy to have made a good friend; I am very socially awkward and shy so making friends is very difficult for me.

The situation was, he decided we had reached the "making out" stage in our relationship, I freaked when he tried to kiss me and touched my leg, he got upset when I backed away, at which point the penny dropped. I then had to awkwardly explain that I just liked him as a friend, tried the "it's not you it's me" and "I hope we can stay friends" cliches, and then he started crying... and didn't stop for about an hour, at which point he informed me that his dad had had a heart attack and might die and he was hoping that spending time with me before going home to see his dad might cheer him up. It was awful, and I felt bad for ages afterwards. Spoiler alert: we didn't stay friends ?

I'm 30, but spending any amount of time in aro communities tends to make me feel old. I think this forum is slightly less skewed towards teenagers though.

It's a pretty silly sounding word. Sounds like some sort of super food you could get as a massively over priced supplement in a health store.

3 hours ago, Asteroid said:

Aromantic sexuals are represented in every guy who just has one night stands and never gives a shit about love.

Those guys aren't necessarily aromantic, just in a stage in their lives where they want sex but not romance. "Too busy having fun to have a relationship" =/= aromantic. "Not ready for commitment yet" =/= aromantic.

However I think this misconception may be part of why aromantic people are underrepresented, because it is totally normal for some people to not be interested in a relationship for reasons other than being aromantic, especially when they're young. Plenty of people are too busy with studies or their career, don't want commitment when their futures are uncertain, are scared of commitment in itself, simply have other priorities in their life etc. and I think some aromantic people may think that is the case for them, think that the reason they don't want romantic relationships is they are just not ready or in the right stage of their life just yet. Not wanting sex is pretty hard to overlook once you reach an age where "late bloomer" isn't an option, not wanting romance may be something that many people don't even notice as an issue until much later, or find it much easier to put aside as "things will change when I'm not overwhelmed by work I'm sure".

12 hours ago, roboticanary said:

why would anyone want romance when they could have a cat, I will never understand

I know right. I have one friend who has had a series of bad relationships and hates being single, and the only thing I can ever think of to say to him is "Seriously mate, forget having a girlfriend, get a cat." and everyone thinks I'm joking ?

If I get really into a book then chances are I will end up shipping some of the characters. I'm no writer but I read a fair amount of shippy fanfiction, it's hard when I end up shipping rare pairings or unpopular fandoms though. 

But yeah, I don't get shipping real people... how does that even work? People you know IRL are too complete as people for that to work in my head. I suppose celebrities are distant and unknown enough for some people to project onto them, but they're so boring!