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QuestionsConfusion&Panic

I might not actually be as aromantic as I thought

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I had a really deep discussion with a friend the other day and I think I agree that I was unknowingly in love with my best friend because I sort of denied it and I thought i had never felt love but the more I think about it the more I think I really did love her, my feelings are just without like kissing + desire which would be more ace than aro... like i wanted to be her most important and I would do such extravagant things for her and think about her constantly and she was so grateful for my love but never acted the same way and I understand why now. Plus I desired a physical closeness too, not kissing but I wanted to be cuddling with her, playing with her hair, it was all stuff my friend I was discussing this with agreed was more than friendship feelings.  My feelings for that girl mimicked my friend I was talking to's feelings with her boyfriend.

Thing is, I've fallen out of love and its good because she like has a boyfriend and that could have been a bad disaster if I kept loving her like that,. But now I like someone else but I blocked out my feelings until too late because he asked me about us and i denied him very weirdly and i feel terrible especially now because I have similar feelings for him as I did for this friend so I think it's similar but its most likely too late and its all just very problematic and confusing. especially now i have no clue what orientations I am and like my sense of self is gone but I can't really find it and I am just so lost . 

yeah idk what you guys can say really but I just am so confused because I really thought I was aroace and i dont think its true at all... i mean i could still be ace but maybe i just have rhe same kind of mental bblock with that i did and sort of still do with romance? I'm just so confused. idk what happened. 

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figuring out your orientation or even just yourself as a person takes time. it will be hard but try and remind yourself to be patient with yourself because feelings are confusing so it takes time and patience to figure it out but one day youll get there. Also im not trying to define your orientation for you because only you can do that but just a suggestion maybe you could be grayromantic or somewhere else on the aromantic spectrum. But no matter what you will figure it out one day and whatever your orientation is youre an awesome person and i wish you luck with your dating endeavors. also even if talking to that guy seems like its too late you should talk to him anyways. just be honest about it an be like hey im confused but this is how i feel and yall can decide what you wanna do from there. you never know anything can happen.

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