I had a really deep discussion with a friend the other day and I think I agree that I was unknowingly in love with my best friend because I sort of denied it and I thought i had never felt love but the more I think about it the more I think I really did love her, my feelings are just without like kissing + desire which would be more ace than aro... like i wanted to be her most important and I would do such extravagant things for her and think about her constantly and she was so grateful for my love but never acted the same way and I understand why now. Plus I desired a physical closeness too, not kissing but I wanted to be cuddling with her, playing with her hair, it was all stuff my friend I was discussing this with agreed was more than friendship feelings. My feelings for that girl mimicked my friend I was talking to's feelings with her boyfriend.
Thing is, I've fallen out of love and its good because she like has a boyfriend and that could have been a bad disaster if I kept loving her like that,. But now I like someone else but I blocked out my feelings until too late because he asked me about us and i denied him very weirdly and i feel terrible especially now because I have similar feelings for him as I did for this friend so I think it's similar but its most likely too late and its all just very problematic and confusing. especially now i have no clue what orientations I am and like my sense of self is gone but I can't really find it and I am just so lost .
yeah idk what you guys can say really but I just am so confused because I really thought I was aroace and i dont think its true at all... i mean i could still be ace but maybe i just have rhe same kind of mental bblock with that i did and sort of still do with romance? I'm just so confused. idk what happened.