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How do I come to terms with being aromantic?


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I've identified as a lesbian for years, but as hard as I've tried to ignore it, there has always been a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I was wrong. When I discovered the term, I felt like everything just clicked, but I've also been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a "normal" romance and that I will probably never develop feelings for anyone. Does anyone have any tips for overcoming this feeling?

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For some of us, it can be very hard to accept the fact that we may never experience feelings that - throughout most of our lives - we have been told that we will experience one day. For some of us it can be a very devastating blow, especially if we wanted to have those feelings for someone. Everyone is made to feel like we should want romance, and are taught to think that our "other half" will fix everything that is wrong with the world, fix everything that is wrong with the people around us, fix everything that is wrong with us. Amatonormativity can go even deeper than that, I believe; it can go deeper than just feeling like a future we thought we would have one day, turning into dust. Throughout my life, ever since I was young, I didn't want to have a romantic relationship with anyone. I didn't want to get married in the future, I didn't want to make a family with another human being, and I didn't want other people to have a crush on me. And yet, despite the fact that I probably should've had a "clicking" moment with the word aromantic after I found it - I instead, felt disgusted by the prospect of it being applied to me; not when it was applied to other people, just to me. I thought it was the worst thing to find out about myself. All because it meant that I would be beyond "not normal," beyond "deviant" to other people. It meant that I would be a soulless robot with no purpose in life, and who suddenly didn't care about their friends or family. I would be seen as "sad," "lonely," and "immature." I wouldn't be able to love. Despite all of the negative experiences that comes with being aromantic constantly being played in my head on loop for those first few weeks (including imposter syndrome), the one thing that I didn't care for in experiencing when I thought I was alloromantic, was suddenly actually not a choice for me to be able to experience ever, and I felt angered by that. I didn't know how to reconcile with that. I honestly don't know what pulled me out of the mindset, but I think it was just me giving myself some space to not think about it, and to then explore the community, and then to see what it was that I actually wanted in life, that slowly helped me accept myself. It will take some time to become okay with it. And you'll need to give yourself that time.

Edit: What also helped a little bit was knowing that despite being aromantic, I could still have relationships if I wanted them. Amatonormativity places romantic relationships so far up the ladder of relationship models, that it feels like any other relationship we invest in is a "waste of time" or "not as important" or are "not as valid" if they're not romantic. All of that is bullshit. I only ever had one relationship, so I don't have much experience in it at all, but my ex-partner was so very accommodating and understood what I could and could not do. There are people who will accept you and accommodate you in these relationships, if a relationship is what you still want in your life. You don't need a "normal" romance, if romance is what you still want. All you would need is your own version of it that brings you joy. The most beautiful thing about life is that we can do whatever the fuck we want (within reason) and dive into all of the nuances.

Edited by The Newest Fabled Creature
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