post aro clarity ?!

[balestiche]

i've been back together with my long distance partner for a few months after a year long break. we stayed friends during that time, but i wasn't able to commit myself to a relationship. i fell for my partner again pretty hard towards the tail end of 2023, and we started dating again in february after committing ourselves to better communication. the trouble is ... he loves me a lot. more than i ever could fathom, honestly. and as someone who circling the drain around considering myself a loveless aro, thats really overwhelming! 

i often confuse feelings of attraction which makes it difficult to determine what kind of relationship i want to pursue with someone, platonic or romantic or otherwise. with my partner, i loved the friendship we had but i don't love the changes in our relationship since we started dating, both times. many allos (i am not out to) ive sought advice from have just told me to break up with him, citing me not being attracted to him/not desiring a romantic relationship but ... its complicated. and its a difficult feeling to communicate as well. i still desire him, and the kind of emotional closeness of a romantic relationship, but differently! ugh! phrasing! semantics! amatonormativity rears its ugly head!!!

my partner knows im aromantic and considers it a win to have an aromantic person "fall in love" with him. (sounds worse than i thought lol) he means well and i thought nothing of it initially, but it does rub me the wrong way. i have made it clear to him its not possible for me to love him the way he loves me...and he's said he's satisfied with that, and that he cherishes me nonetheless. it still troubles me, and i still feel like i'm failing him as a partner. 

i'd love to hear some advice, or maybe just similar experiences if anyone has any theyd like to share. thanks for reading 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

So, I don't have much advice to give other than the fact that maybe you could bring up QPRs to him (if you're wanting that type of relationship with him ofc) or reinstate your boundaries to him. Because I understand, in my own way, how much it can suck to have friends say that you should break-up, or have other friends say, "Just communicate!" when you have been doing that already. The thing about him considering it a "win" that you fell in love with him despite being aro feels a bit off to me, since maybe he knows on a surface level that you're aromantic, but hasn't fully internalized it yet? And that could lead to problems for the relationship down the road, to which I wouldn't say that would be any of your fault. That's just speculation, though. From my experience with family members and friends, it took them quite a long while to actually fully understand what I can and cannot experience, even if they accepted me at face value for what I am from the start.

I guess one piece of advice could be that you said you confuse feelings of attraction and so may not know what type of relationships you want, and although I suggested a QPR I would say just go along with what made/makes you feel the happiest, or the most comfortable, and follow your gut with that type of relationship.