How is This different from an allo romantic relationship?

[algebraicresc]

Imagine two people who are very much aesthetically and sensually attracted to each other. They are best friends / in a QPR. They regularly engage in kissing and cuddling, etc, traditionally romantic stuff. How would this be different from a traditional allo romantic relationship? 

If i were to try and answer this, I’d say the only difference would be that they don’t experience “romantic attraction” for each other… But that’s the thing! I have no idea what that means, or exactly how different the lack of romantic attraction would cause this relationship to be from a romantic one. (Maybe that’s a sign that I’m aro haha). 

The reason I’m asking this is because Ive been questioning how aro I am and the above situation seems pretty desirable to me.
(I do experience aesthetic, sensual, and platonic attraction. I also think I may be either bellusromantic or cupioromantic. I am pretty interested in kissing in a non-romantic context. Additionally. at some point I might try having a romantic relationship just to see what it’s like, since I’ve never been in one before.)

So because of all this, I feel very not-aro, because so many components of my experience / (hypothetically) desired relationship are similar to the allo experience. So I’m asking this question to find out just how far from allo-ness I am.

What do you guys think? 

[Sili]

On 3/28/2024 at 4:21 AM, algebraicresc said:

(Maybe that’s a sign that I’m aro haha). 

I think thats very much part of it. Quite a few Aro people dont quite understand what the difference is. However, having been in a few romantic relationships, I can attest that the /other/ person can tell the difference. A *very* common comment from my partners was that it felt like I was "play acting" being in a relationship. I was doing things because I thought that whats you did, not because I felt the need to do them - but I didnt (and still dont) know the difference. I just know that I apparently dont feel the thing they feel.

On 3/28/2024 at 4:21 AM, algebraicresc said:

at some point I might try having a romantic relationship just to see what it’s like, since I’ve never been in one before.

Also a very Aro thing to say fyi

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Pretty much what @Sili said. I only ever been in one relationship and it was a QPR, but me and my previous partner didn't hold hands quite as much, we never kissed, and we didn't say many romantic things to each other, nor pet-names. Most of the time, it felt like I was treating them like I always treated them, which was in a friendly manner from having had a platonic relationship with them first. It did very much feel like I was acting, but I was also translating everything into a platonic outing rather than a date when me and them went out, so most of the time I felt relaxed, but despite that I would later find out I was non-partnering and ended the QPR shortly after.

The only thing that made my relationship different from other typical allo romantic relationships, is not only because we didn't do typical romantic things, but also because we both knew it was a QPR, and because I just didn't love them like how they loved me. To other people who were in the know, they would have deemed that past relationship romantic, but me and my partner both knew that that wasn't so, and that was all that truly mattered at the time.

Edited March 29 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[Estelar]

On 3/28/2024 at 5:21 AM, algebraicresc said:

Imagine two people who are very much aesthetically and sensually attracted to each other. They are best friends / in a QPR. They regularly engage in kissing and cuddling, etc, traditionally romantic stuff.

That sounds like a desirable situation for me, too. Actually, sometimes I am asking myself how aromantic I truly am because of this. Nevertheless, being interested in something that resembles a romantic relationship does not make someone romantic. I also agree with @Sili that when you are wondering what makes a relationship a romantic one, it is a strong indication that you are aromantic. Most alloromantic people say they just know, so yeah. Besides, I have been in situations where a person has shown interest in me and I could imagine having such a relationship with them, but apparently they were not quite satisfied without an evident reason. Presumably, they were missing the romantic attraction from my side.

I also want to add that romantic is a rather vague term, so what is romantic and what a romantic relationship is should be defined by the people involved. There might as well be people considering themselves alloromantic for whom what you describe is a romantic relationship, while for others it is not. In my opinion you may very well identify as aromantic if you think that fits you, but may still be open to a romantic relationship with someone identifying as alloromantic.