Asexuality or P*rn addiction?

[IDKHTBC]

Hi there, so I will try to explain my situation as understandably as I can and if anyone can tell me their opinion I'd really appreciate it.

 

Ever since I was introduced to the fact that there are other sexualities and gender identities I was not only questioning myself but I was also being questioned. Sometimes I act more masculine, sometimes more feminine. And because I'm a guy this tend to led and still tends people to ask me if I was gay (or am gay) from a young age, not fully understanding yet what any of it means and that it's frowned upon. Throughout my teenage years I assumed more and more I was gay and slowly tried to accept that part about me, since I did not want to think deeper or cared about it. A big thing that played role in my late "development" was also a fact that I was fat and felt like nobody would be interested in me anyways, which is why I did not really pay any attention to my sexual or romantic part of me. This led me into a spiral of depression at a pretty young age that eventually led me into the hookup culture itself. I know it sounds weird, but let me explain how do these terms and experiences corelate. Over the years I got to the point where I felt like I desperately needed someone to tell me I am attractive, even if it meant just losing my virginity to the first person I saw. Determined I started losing weight rapidly through drastic diets and lucky for me I did lose a lot of weight in a span of 3-4 months. The point of me saying this is I did not bother exploring parts about me because I just shut myself down with the reasoning "I'm fat and ugly, it does not matter".

 

So some time after I went through this weight loss journey and gaining some confidence I took a big step and installed both Tinder and Grindr. After making and constantly updating my profile I was kind of active in this new enviroment. Something I instantly knew was I did not want to have any kind of sexual interaction with a woman. This made me actually believe the fact I am indeed gay more. However none of my experinces with men were enjoyable or would lead to anything more than a hookup, not even meeting up again or going on a date. Funny enough the only ones that were "better" or "enjoyable" were the ones where the intercourse didn't happen at all and we just did anything else. One or two instances actually turned into hours long conversations with those people, which originally met with me with the intent to have sex. And those I can say I actually enjoyed, since I got to know the person and who they are instead of just pointless sex. They even seemed relieved and happy that someone was interested in talking to them which led to them telling me some really sensitive things that looked like they wanted to share with someone instead of just hiding and ignoring it. Hookup culture is messed up but that is a topic for another day. In conclusion nothing except cuddling or kissing, or those rare cases where I just sat together and talked with  hose people, was pleasurable for me. But I did not give up in this pursuit, telling myself one day someone has to make me feel good somehow right? So my bodycount just kept getting higher, each time I had more and more specific requirements and things I'd like to try with those men (going from different positions to different kinks). But surprise surprise nothing actually stuck out for me. Eventually after also some pretty bad experiences (both physically and mentally) I just gave up. It took me a lot of time as well to do things like shave, "prep up" myself iykyk just to have some boring or uncomfortable 15 minute experience and I deemed it not worth it anymore.

 

Not fully giving up I started to look for dates only for some time. This new experimental phase  lasted only a few months, unlike my hookup phase, since nobody was actually interested in the "date" part of those dates. Each of my dates were either overly touchy or just kept suggesting we go to their or my place after our date. Some other factors like catfishing discouraged me as well, or the fact that these people were so bland the only time they were interested in talking was when it involved something sexual. The lesson that came from this is that dating apps are not about dating at all, it is just a sex corner. I do not shame people for hooking up and wanting sex, but dating apps should serve it's purpose - finding a date. Of course respect to those people that did find decent partners there.

 

Now for the second part of the title. As most of preteens I was eventually introduced to the x rated industry. I don't know to which extend I can explain this experience since I was a kid at the time, but not knowing gay p*rn existed I only took interest in watching the straight stuff. After eventually finding guy on guy videos I became intrigued in those as well. This made me, at the time, even more depressed since it deppened my suspicion that I might be gay. However I started noticing that sometimes I would preferably watch straight p*rn instead of gay p*rn, which I initially believed was just me trying so hard to "not be gay". I would believe this if this patern wasn't keep happening to this day.

 

And now for the main and confusing (to me) part of this thread. I enjoy watching p*rn period. Both straight and gay, sometimes even other categories but that is very rare. Do I watch it daily? Yes. But the main question to me is "Do I watch it because I'm horny or because I'm bored?". The confusion I am having is trying to decipher whether I just have an addiction or I am really asexual. I know that asexual spectrum is I'd say wider than any, and that you don't have to have 0 libido to be asexual, but the fact that I would rather see someone having sex on camera is better for me than engaging in the act itself does make me feel like I have a problem in a way. However knowing what experiences I have had and the fact I have tried A LOT of things with a lot of people makes me also believe I am indeed asexual.

 

I'm currently in my 20's and only like a year ago I looked deeply into asexuality. Sure I knew about this term longer before that, but the turning point for me came when I heard an interview with asexual people. Listening to their experiences and feelings I, for the first time ever, felt like I could relate to something involving the sexual/romantic aspect of my life. Using the term asexual felt and still feels more comfortable than gay/bi/pan which is still what I'm trying to figure out if I am.

 

It will be my 4th year (2024 coming soon) with no sexual or romantic experience. Do I miss having sex? Hell no. Do I want a relationship sometime in the future? This one is more complicated. Around 60-70% of the time I like the solitude, having no attachment to anyone and just being on my own. This includes having barely any platonic relationships as well. But here and there I do wish I had someone who would like me for me, cuddle with me and do all of those relationship-y stuff with me.

 

If I'm being honest I'm just tired of dealing with this part of my life, since it's just so normal for everyone to date and have crushes or sexual experiences regularly. I bothers me that I constantly have to explain myself to people to the point where sometimes I just stop talking and tell them "nevermind, just think what you like" because even if I try to fight for myself and my identity, which people love to dictate and tell me who I ACTUALLY am, secretly I don't actually know what I am myself. Sometimes I look at a woman and think "Wow pretty", sometimes I do that with a man. Sometimes I tell myself "I would let him hit it" looking at an attractive man, even though I know if it actually came to it I would be repulsed. I understand it then naturaly confuses people when I say I'm asexual but then I say "I'd fuck this man" and etc. because truthfully it confuses me too.

[Guest]

The porn situation is always a struggle, one tries not to watch that type of content but I am asexual and aromantic. I am not going to have any type of relationship with an adult actor or actress and many young people watch this to be able to discover sexual orientation.  Many of my friends at school watched all kinds of videos, like weird, disgusting but exciting, they didn't want to show me that but I didn't care anyway, I'm an asexual, that has to frustrate me but no, porn is an addiction that could make me one more addict 

On 3/10/2024 at 8:06 AM, IDKHTBC said:

Now for the second part of the title. As most of preteens I was eventually introduced to the x rated industry. I don't know to which extend I can explain this experience since I was a kid at the time, but not knowing gay p*rn existed I only took interest in watching the straight stuff. After eventually finding guy on guy videos I became intrigued in those as well. This made me, at the time, even more depressed since it deppened my suspicion that I might be gay. However I started noticing that sometimes I would preferably watch straight p*rn instead of gay p*rn, which I initially believed was just me trying so hard to "not be gay". I would believe this if this patern wasn't keep happening to this day.

As you said, minors watch porn not in front of their parents.  Because it is something inappropriate, out of curiosity, they do it when they reach puberty, the boys really watch this porn to know their orientation, what their orientation would be like, porn addiction. It could drive someone crazy. Minors access this type of content. It can wash their minds if one watches gay porn.  Will he become gay or well, I'm asexual, I'm never going to want to have sex with adult content actors. 

[CharredSkeever]

Personally, when people ask about me, I generally say I'm asexual and just don't explain further unless it's someone I'm interested in (and even then, only if the situation calls for it.) I don't particularly like being touched in any sense of the word, but I'm fine with it going the other way. No one needs to know this about me unless they're going to have a long-term thing with me. It also helps with warding off people who are only interested in the sexual aspects, like hooking up, from interacting with my profile since I usually put it in my bio.

On the topic of dating apps, I don't think they're a great way to find a partner. It can often turn into an addictive game where you forget that the people that you're swiping on are actual human beings with full lives and personalities. This is why they tend to work better for hook-ups rather than actual dating. On the other hand, they can be a great tool for people who have been socially isolated for a while and are trying to get back into the world in a low-stakes way.

I do also think that it would just be more beneficial to go places and join groups that have similar interests to you. Anything from a hiking group (check facebook) to a d&d group. You don't have to stay forever and like you said, you're not the most social, but just meeting new people and letting yourself try to feel free to develop that sort of connection could help you learn more about yourself. All that said, you don't need a partner to feel fulfilled but it's something worth exploring if you're interested.

Most labels are honestly kind of dog ass and don't help, but I do understand that it's a cool feeling to feel understood, both by others and yourself. AND MAYBE I'M BIAS but as someone who identifies with queer, you're allowed to just like people if you like them and have sex with people you want to have sex with, or not do any of that shit. If they're not trying to date you, they don't need to know, and if they are? Just tell them that you like them too, because that's literally all that matters.

Relationships don't have to be this all or nothing sort of deal. I'm currently dating this dude and we just hang out a lot and very occasionally kiss. He also lives with me, but we have our separate rooms because I value my alone time a lot. I do loads of stuff that is considered very romantic with him, but I also have no desire to sleep with him, and he doesn't have that desire with me. It's all about finding someone who can fulfill your needs and compromising to fulfill the other person's needs as well. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. It is hard to explain to other people sometimes, but it's also not their business.

Overall, this is just my experience and opinions on it all. I've felt similarly confused before and just sort of accepted that it didn't matter to me and I would just date whoever I liked. Probably isn't super helpful, but eh.

And side note, I say shit like, "God damn, I'd let her hit" all the time. It's more of an expression of how that person makes me feel (usually hot and bothered) rather than me actually wanting that. People and things are sexy, but sex isn't sexy to me. That's the best way I can explain it.