IDKHTBC

Hi there, so I will try to explain my situation as understandably as I can and if anyone can tell me their opinion I'd really appreciate it. Ever since I was introduced to the fact that there are other sexualities and gender identities I was not only questioning myself but I was also being questioned. Sometimes I act more masculine, sometimes more feminine. And because I'm a guy this tend to led and still tends people to ask me if I was gay (or am gay) from a young age, not fully understanding yet what any of it means and that it's frowned upon. Throughout my teenage years I assumed more and more I was gay and slowly tried to accept that part about me, since I did not want to think deeper or cared about it. A big thing that played role in my late "development" was also a fact that I was fat and felt like nobody would be interested in me anyways, which is why I did not really pay any attention to my sexual or romantic part of me. This led me into a spiral of depression at a pretty young age that eventually led me into the hookup culture itself. I know it sounds weird, but let me explain how do these terms and experiences corelate. Over the years I got to the point where I felt like I desperately needed someone to tell me I am attractive, even if it meant just losing my virginity to the first person I saw. Determined I started losing weight rapidly through drastic diets and lucky for me I did lose a lot of weight in a span of 3-4 months. The point of me saying this is I did not bother exploring parts about me because I just shut myself down with the reasoning "I'm fat and ugly, it does not matter". So some time after I went through this weight loss journey and gaining some confidence I took a big step and installed both Tinder and Grindr. After making and constantly updating my profile I was kind of active in this new enviroment. Something I instantly knew was I did not want to have any kind of sexual interaction with a woman. This made me actually believe the fact I am indeed gay more. However none of my experinces with men were enjoyable or would lead to anything more than a hookup, not even meeting up again or going on a date. Funny enough the only ones that were "better" or "enjoyable" were the ones where the intercourse didn't happen at all and we just did anything else. One or two instances actually turned into hours long conversations with those people, which originally met with me with the intent to have sex. And those I can say I actually enjoyed, since I got to know the person and who they are instead of just pointless sex. They even seemed relieved and happy that someone was interested in talking to them which led to them telling me some really sensitive things that looked like they wanted to share with someone instead of just hiding and ignoring it. Hookup culture is messed up but that is a topic for another day. In conclusion nothing except cuddling or kissing, or those rare cases where I just sat together and talked with hose people, was pleasurable for me. But I did not give up in this pursuit, telling myself one day someone has to make me feel good somehow right? So my bodycount just kept getting higher, each time I had more and more specific requirements and things I'd like to try with those men (going from different positions to different kinks). But surprise surprise nothing actually stuck out for me. Eventually after also some pretty bad experiences (both physically and mentally) I just gave up. It took me a lot of time as well to do things like shave, "prep up" myself iykyk just to have some boring or uncomfortable 15 minute experience and I deemed it not worth it anymore. Not fully giving up I started to look for dates only for some time. This new experimental phase lasted only a few months, unlike my hookup phase, since nobody was actually interested in the "date" part of those dates. Each of my dates were either overly touchy or just kept suggesting we go to their or my place after our date. Some other factors like catfishing discouraged me as well, or the fact that these people were so bland the only time they were interested in talking was when it involved something sexual. The lesson that came from this is that dating apps are not about dating at all, it is just a sex corner. I do not shame people for hooking up and wanting sex, but dating apps should serve it's purpose - finding a date. Of course respect to those people that did find decent partners there. Now for the second part of the title. As most of preteens I was eventually introduced to the x rated industry. I don't know to which extend I can explain this experience since I was a kid at the time, but not knowing gay p*rn existed I only took interest in watching the straight stuff. After eventually finding guy on guy videos I became intrigued in those as well. This made me, at the time, even more depressed since it deppened my suspicion that I might be gay. However I started noticing that sometimes I would preferably watch straight p*rn instead of gay p*rn, which I initially believed was just me trying so hard to "not be gay". I would believe this if this patern wasn't keep happening to this day. And now for the main and confusing (to me) part of this thread. I enjoy watching p*rn period. Both straight and gay, sometimes even other categories but that is very rare. Do I watch it daily? Yes. But the main question to me is "Do I watch it because I'm horny or because I'm bored?". The confusion I am having is trying to decipher whether I just have an addiction or I am really asexual. I know that asexual spectrum is I'd say wider than any, and that you don't have to have 0 libido to be asexual, but the fact that I would rather see someone having sex on camera is better for me than engaging in the act itself does make me feel like I have a problem in a way. However knowing what experiences I have had and the fact I have tried A LOT of things with a lot of people makes me also believe I am indeed asexual. I'm currently in my 20's and only like a year ago I looked deeply into asexuality. Sure I knew about this term longer before that, but the turning point for me came when I heard an interview with asexual people. Listening to their experiences and feelings I, for the first time ever, felt like I could relate to something involving the sexual/romantic aspect of my life. Using the term asexual felt and still feels more comfortable than gay/bi/pan which is still what I'm trying to figure out if I am. It will be my 4th year (2024 coming soon) with no sexual or romantic experience. Do I miss having sex? Hell no. Do I want a relationship sometime in the future? This one is more complicated. Around 60-70% of the time I like the solitude, having no attachment to anyone and just being on my own. This includes having barely any platonic relationships as well. But here and there I do wish I had someone who would like me for me, cuddle with me and do all of those relationship-y stuff with me. If I'm being honest I'm just tired of dealing with this part of my life, since it's just so normal for everyone to date and have crushes or sexual experiences regularly. I bothers me that I constantly have to explain myself to people to the point where sometimes I just stop talking and tell them "nevermind, just think what you like" because even if I try to fight for myself and my identity, which people love to dictate and tell me who I ACTUALLY am, secretly I don't actually know what I am myself. Sometimes I look at a woman and think "Wow pretty", sometimes I do that with a man. Sometimes I tell myself "I would let him hit it" looking at an attractive man, even though I know if it actually came to it I would be repulsed. I understand it then naturaly confuses people when I say I'm asexual but then I say "I'd fuck this man" and etc. because truthfully it confuses me too.