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Guest Anonymous


Guest Anonymous

I've identified as aro for about a year, and I felt amazing with the label and had no doubts... until now. Rewind to about six months ago, when I met this girl, we'll call her cyan. Anyways, I immediately started getting nervous and flustered around her, because I really liked her. I thought it was a squish at first, and maybe it still is, but I started getting random romantic thoughts about her. They only lasted about five seconds, and then I'd be like "what the heck was that I don't wanna date cyan". I really don't want to date her at all, I just wanna be really good friends, but these thoughts are confusing me. I really don't want to date her or anyone at all, and I take no pleasure in these thoughts, they just disgust me. I don't voluntarily think these, they just... happen. I've chalked it up to three different things this could be because of.

1. I'm orchidromantic. Orchidromantic is an identity that's basically feeling romantic attraction but not actually wanting to date the person you're attracted to (or anyone). I think this one's one of the most likely, but I still feel like the attraction I'm feeling is very platonic.

2. I'm feeling internalized amatonormativity (I THINK IT MIGHT BE THIS ONE)

3. I'm in denial and I'm not aro (I really, really don't think it's this because I feel very aro but it's a possibility so I had to consider it) 

What do you guys think?

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I get how you feel, and it's alright to end up questioning everything again because of those thoughts. I don't have much advice, other than if identifying as aro/aro-spec makes you feel the most comfortable, then you are aro/aro-spec. For the possibilities you listed, that is for you to do a deeper dive on, for no one else can truly know what you're feeling other than yourself, but the second possibility you mentioned I have actually experienced and potentially other aros have experienced, as well. I know in my hearts of heart that I don't want a romantic relationship and I just can't feel romantic feelings towards other people, with me only experiencing the occasional alterous attraction, but I have had intrusive thoughts about marriage and getting with someone romantically, or Hell, even deliberately thinking to myself, "Maybe I should just get with someone because then everything will be more socially easier for me, if only a little." These thoughts are always unpleasant to me, don't spark any joy, and feel more mechanical than my singlehood, which the latter feels a lot more natural to me and makes me a lot more happy. Sometimes, I'll feel this phantom sadness of not having a partner/partners, but at the end of the day I know it's amatonormativity making me feel that way, for that "sadness" isn't preluded with a genuine desire to be with someone, and is just the coexisting feeling with my fear of the world making everything a lot more harder on me and many others for being single. I'm not afraid of being alone romantically, and I'm not actually sad that I don't have a partner, it's just the foundations of benefits and rights that single people don't get compared to married people, is what scares me - is what drives me to think those unpleasant romantic thoughts. I know with a lot more advocacy and recognition, that single alloros and single aros can get the benefits that they need to be able to actually live in society, and to be able to take care of their loved ones/friends/family/pets/etc, but for right now we have to constantly worry for ourselves in a way that people who do desire romantic relationships and marriage don't have to do.

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