Dating while aroace

[levdot]

I’m semi-seeing a guy I started off as friends with. I can tell he’s into me but it’s just like I freeze up and try to deny anything’s even going on whenever he gets physically close. I consider myself grey-aro and I really want to be partnered but it just feels like I’m scared of losing control of my own body any time someone touches me in a romantic/sexual light and I have no idea what to do. And people often ask if I’m just demiromantic but I don’t think that’s it bc I really have no desire for romance at all. It just freaks me out as much as I’d like to be partnered. Anyway I was wondering if anyone’s been through something similar because I just feel so wildly alone

[venomous]

I would ask yourself if you’re seeking a romantic relationship with this person, or if it’s another kind of relationship you are thinking of when you say “partnered”. Perhaps something like a QPR would be better suited if you don’t have any desire for romance as this might give an opportunity to set your own boundaries without it feeling like a big divergence from a normative romantic relationship script, like the build-your-own-relationship concept in the relationship anarchy community.

Having recently had a long distance exploration of a potential romantic relationship, it took me longer than I would have liked to recognise that I like the other person in a queerplatonic way. We broke things off but still talk. One of my friends was helpful in reminding me that I had just assumed that people outside the aromantic community wouldn’t want a queerplantonic relationship just because it’s not the common way to do things in an amatonormative society.

Maybe the best way to approach your problem would be honest communication with the person you’re seeing. Do they know that you are aroace? Are they aware of what that means for you specifically? If you feel uncomfortable being touched in specific ways with specific intentions, I think the best way to prevent getting into a situation that might be harmful to yourself is to talk to the other person about what you are open to and what you are not open to. I feel a bit hypocritical saying that as I have yet to do it myself, but it’s something I plan on doing if my own something progresses. 

Hope any of this was helpful for you and that you remember that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to with this other person. You deserve a fulfilling partnership that doesn’t include things that cause fear in you. Best of luck!