Am I aro? And what kind?

[Arwiel]

Hi, I hope it is okay to ask this in this group. I need support but Don't have anyone close to ask.😊 Thru a girl in Sweden I found this website. I asked her the same question, and it helped alot. But wanna know what others also may think.

I suspect that I am aromantic. I have for long wondered why I don't fall in love or feel attraction to others. I have never had a real crush or as young understood why "I had to think that guys in school are hot".

The few times I have tried dating it has felt artificial and unnatural. Although in theory I turn on sexual intimacy and apreciate love, it was "meh" once I tried it. It has felt neither good nor bad, but more towards "what is this? How can people like this?" I have at times faked to enjoy sex, just because I felt ashamed to not love it.

I have never had a real relationship. I've thought it might be low self-esteem which prevents me from dating, but now I realize it's probably more than that.🤔

Although I can fantasize about sex, I realize that the romantic part is often missing in terms of romantic gestures. There are strong emotional ties, but I rarely fantasize about a bouquet of flowers. Rather, a shift in power, d/s dynamics and so on. I think we all have our fantasies, if you're not totally asexual?

At first I thought I was just asexual, but fornan example masturbation is not a problem for me and not fictitious love like in Books. I can fantasize and dream. However, I am totally uninterested in heterosexual romance in books and movies. It doesn't affect me at all. I love what are called m/m novels, BL, manwa. That is Romance between men. To read and to write. And when I was young I loved twilight and Edward Cullen, but then there was probably something about the mysterious and supernatural.

I've realized that these 2 types of romances are as far from me as it can be as a straight woman. Romance between gay men or fantasy creatures. Could it be a sign that I am distancing myself from myself and thus like romance? When it isn't "reality for me"?🤔 And that I "live out my fantasies" in the books I write? Do my characters "love for me"?

I'm 32, never been in love, never had a crush unless the men are 1. Fictional, 2. Celebrities I'll never meet. I think intimacy between 2 people is almost disgusting at times, I can't understand it. Unless it's fictional or men.

If you who are aro think I might be aromantic too, what spectrum do you think I belong in? I can list some of the "symptoms" I think I have. Sometimes I'm sad because I WANT to fall in love and find someone, but it never happens and at the same time I'm happy about it?😐🤨


*I love roman novels with smut if it's gay, not my own gender
*Never been in love
*I can find celebrities/characters attractive, but never people I meet irl. I see if they look good, but only objectively
*When people ask what I like in men, I can't directly answer, sometimes I say that manly arms are sexy. Though I do know what I don't like in men's apperance
*I fantasize about romance with often kinky elements such as dominance, but more focus on sex than like a bouquet of flowers. So "romance" becomes more of an emotional bond between two lovers
*I think straight romance is meh. On film, people on the street and so on.
*If I see couples cuddle or be intimate with each other, I can be reluctantly disgusted, if it isn't men.
*The few times "I've had sex" have been meh. Not been dry or anything but not comfortable or worried either. Rather Apathetic. It felt odd and unnatural to be touched - not at all like in my fantasies.
*Making out feels disgusting and just weird *My curiosity about serious sex came in young adulthood but more properly after 25. First attempt at intercourse around age 29
*I have more kinky fantasies than cute romantic situations like cute dates, but with strong emotional ties in terms of trust
*I like the idea of true love, but nothing I've experienced
*I am not interested in dating but like appreciation - like being seen. But will get extremely uncomfortable if someone compliments me in such way.

I want to see if there are others like me out there? I feel alone in this🥺 I am from Sweden so english is not my mother tongue, though I understand it😊

[Guest]

Yes, you sound very aromantic lmao. You said that you do not feel romantic attraction and that is the only requirement needed, having fantasies about sex/BL/Romance doesn't mean anything unless you feel romantically interested in someone in real life.  You kind of honestly sound like an average aro or aegoromantic, bc it seems that your romantic identity doesn't seem to have fluctuated throughout your life and you like the idea of romance but do not want to participate in it, but you should probably do your own research on that bc I'm not sure that I even know all of the identities. Here is a link to all of the identities: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/all-terms. Aros can enjoy romance and sex media and have fictitious and celebrity crush bc it isn't fathomable that you would ever date them. You are most likely asexual as well if you don't like sex and don't desire real-life sexual relations with ppl, it's that simple

[Arwiel]

4 minutes ago, Milly said:

Yes, you sound very aromantic lmao. You said that you do not feel romantic attraction and that is the only requirement needed, having fantasies about sex/BL/Romance doesn't mean anything unless you feel romantically interested in someone in real life.  You kind of honestly sound like an average aro or aegoromantic, bc it seems that your romantic identity doesn't seem to have fluctuated throughout your life and you like the idea of romance but do not want to participate in it, but you should probably do your own research on that bc I'm not sure that I even know all of the identities. Here is a link to all of the identities: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/all-terms. Aros can enjoy romance and sex media and have fictitious and celebrity crush bc it isn't fathomable that you would ever date them. You are most likely asexual as well if you don't like sex and don't desire real-life sexual relations with ppl, it's that simple

 

Thank you for your kind response. I think I "desire to desire sex in real life", if you get what I mean? I WANT to desire it and I do long for it, but at the same time not. :/ I will look into aegoromantic, I have heard about aegosexual and guess it is like the same thing? But one mor toward sex? And thank you for the link :)

 

 

[hemogoblin]

Identity cannot be diagnosed. No one can label you for you. Labels are just tools we use to communicate simplistic concepts to others. What labels help you communicate? What labels feel right to you? That's what matters for labels. There are no right or wrong answers. It's just about what helps you - helps you communicate, helps you understand yourself, helps you feel seen, helps you feel at home, helps you connect with a community of people with similar experiences, etc.

Also, asexual folk can have fantasies. :)

[Arwiel]

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Identity cannot be diagnosed. No one can label you for you. Labels are just tools we use to communicate simplistic concepts to others. What labels help you communicate? What labels feel right to you? That's what matters for labels. There are no right or wrong answers. It's just about what helps you - helps you communicate, helps you understand yourself, helps you feel seen, helps you feel at home, helps you connect with a community of people with similar experiences, etc.

Also, asexual folk can have fantasies. :)

Thank you :)