I get scared at the idea of people having crushes on me but I desire romantic affections and having someone to be close to.

[gumibar]

Hi so this week I'm going on my first actual date with someone who is incredibly monogamous and a bit more traditional when it comes to relationships and even crushes (example getting very jealous of anyone else who has a crush on me despite me telling them that I am polyamorous, even heard them cry on call about it and I dread the conversation I will have with them in the future after this post.) I actually felt horrible and scared when they told me they had a crush on me, I didn't know what to say, I liked them too but now its draining to me and just the mere thought of being someones boyfriend scares me and makes me feel like I'm chained up. I told them this before and they still think we'll be together after the date we'll be having. I can't tell if its the type of person they are towards me or if I genuinely just yearn to have romantic intimate moments with (I'll save you all the details to it to not gross anyone out !!) just without someone having the idea of us bieng like a highschool couple thats loved by everyone in the school (your whole friend circle and that person's friend circle). Its horrible!!!! I feel terrible thinking about it and I don't even know what I am and I feel so alone thinking there would be someone who'd understand and help me. :( if someone can help me with this that would mean the world to me I've been struggling with this for 2 years now and I feel I am reaping what I sow.

[hemogoblin]

I don't want to tell you what to do, but you two sound like a terrible mismatch.

• You're polyam. They're monogamous.
• This level of jealousy easily leads to toxicity and even controlling behaviors.
• They are traditional and want a traditional romantic relationship. Being a boyfriend makes you feel trapped and anxious.
• You haven't even started dating yet and you're filled with dread and discomfort.
• They don't listen to you or respect your feelings. You have told them all of this, and they basically said "so? I'm going to get what I want".

You don't sound safe, much less happy, pursuing this. It sounds like they're probably being pushy and not taking no for an answer, and that's hard and scary to deal with. But breaking things off only gets harder the longer things go on. Remember that you don't need them to understand or agree with how you feel. Ie, you don't have to debate them on your feelings. You get to say "I do not want to go on this date, and I need some space from our friendship" and leave it at that. Your feelings are not up for debate. Your comfort matters. Your happiness matters. You get to say "I do not want to go on this date, and I need some space from our friendship" and then (at least temporarily) block them and just focus on taking care of yourself. It is their job to process their feelings about this. I promise: they will recover.

Good luck.

Also, re: your title. Sometimes (actually, a lot of times), people enjoy fantasizing about things they don't actually enjoy in real life. Many people may have grandiose dreams of being famous - but very little interest in putting up with the reality of what actually comes with being famous. People see themselves traveling or learning some instrument or being fluent in another language but don't want to actually indulge in the time, effort, or money these things may need. And some aros enjoy the concept of romance in fantasy but not so much in reality.

[gumibar]

 

9 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

I don't want to tell you what to do, but you two sound like a terrible mismatch.

• You're polyam. They're monogamous.
• This level of jealousy easily leads to toxicity and even controlling behaviors.
• They are traditional and want a traditional romantic relationship. Being a boyfriend makes you feel trapped and anxious.
• You haven't even started dating yet and you're filled with dread and discomfort.
• They don't listen to you or respect your feelings. You have told them all of this, and they basically said "so? I'm going to get what I want".

You don't sound safe, much less happy, pursuing this. It sounds like they're probably being pushy and not taking no for an answer, and that's hard and scary to deal with. But breaking things off only gets harder the longer things go on. Remember that you don't need them to understand or agree with how you feel. Ie, you don't have to debate them on your feelings. You get to say "I do not want to go on this date, and I need some space from our friendship" and leave it at that. Your feelings are not up for debate. Your comfort matters. Your happiness matters. You get to say "I do not want to go on this date, and I need some space from our friendship" and then (at least temporarily) block them and just focus on taking care of yourself. It is their job to process their feelings about this. I promise: they will recover.

Good luck.

Also, re: your title. Sometimes (actually, a lot of times), people enjoy fantasizing about things they don't actually enjoy in real life. Many people may have grandiose dreams of being famous - but very little interest in putting up with the reality of what actually comes with being famous. People see themselves traveling or learning some instrument or being fluent in another language but don't want to actually indulge in the time, effort, or money these things may need. And some aros enjoy the concept of romance in fantasy but not so much in reality.

Thank you for the response !! I did in fact call them and tell them we won't work out and they got very upset at the idea of other people and me getting with them and that I was "blue balling" them and leading them on (worst times they've asked me if I'm sure I'm not using them) but they messaged me saying they missed me and being flirty with me despite my genuine warning about us, I fear for my friend's safety as well when talking to them because they hate that people have crushes on me or even dm when I express slight discomfort despite telling these people about my boundaries. Its incredibly tasking to be around them and I hope I won't get spam messages from their friends who were kind of forcing us to be in a relationship as well despite being vocal being against online relationships.

Again, thank you so much and about the title, I've had real life events where I get to kiss someone (even the same person repeatedly) and even having multiple intimate acts with someone and being okay about it but the idea of a relationship and being someones boyfriend haunts me. I really wish I can have someone I can be I guess friends with benefits with.