Ikarus Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 Most likely no because allo people generally expect a mutual feeling of both falling in love and going through the infatuation stage of a crush. If you are not infatuated with them then you aren't in love. Not in love then you just like them but you don't love them and then yada yada yada your basically hard crunchy unbuttered toast to them. Is this always true? I am thinking it is generally what to expect. For an example lets say I want a monogamous relationship involving regular sex, sharing our lives together, living together, mutual finances etc. No kids though. A lot of traditional romantic expectations have been met except one big one. You love them but you don't fall in love with them. I never go through the infatuation stage. This is actually what I want by the way not hypothetical. Being in love is very different than loving. Its usually described as a spontaneous emotion you have no real control over. It is a strong feeling spawning immediately from the aether. It can dissipate as quickly as it can generate. Romantic partners feel much more possessive over being someones everything. A romantic partner is your lover, therapist, sexual partner, best friend, household manager, and you are expected to enjoy every activity the most with them. (Possessiveness doesn't necessarily always happen but its more likely to happen with romance). In romance everything seems to be about how they make you feel. For example the whole I love them I love them not. When Allos talk to friends about their romantic feels its usually all about how others make them feel. On the other hand love focuses more on how the other person feels about you, do they feel appreciated, valued, or understood. Instead of all the infatuation guiding me I choose to love them after knowing them gradually, and I see them as a partner not someone I am possessive for. I do not expect to be the others everything in life and I care more about how they feel vs how they make me feel romantically. That is actually where I am at right now. I want a monogamous relationship without romantic ownership expectations, and without infatuation being expected from the two of us. On a side note why is infatuation such a big deal in romantic relationships? Is it possible to love an allo in a qpr without allos insisting on you falling in love with them? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hemogoblin Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 Yep. Honestly, I've probably heard from more aspec people in qprs with allos than aspec people in qprs with other aspecs. (Though it could also be perception bias of these instances standing out to me more.) That doesn't mean it's super likely in general since qprs are fairly rare, but it's certainly possible both in theory and reality. I really enjoyed hearing how you view love, being in love, and relationships. It sounds like you've done a lot of really emotionally mature work around this. I wish you the best of luck. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 1 hour ago, Ikarus said: I want a monogamous relationship without romantic ownership expectations, and without infatuation being expected from the two of us. On a side note why is infatuation such a big deal in romantic relationships? Is it possible to love an allo in a qpr without allos insisting on you falling in love with them? Possible? Yes. Certainly, such relationships exist. Still, I believe the odds are stacked against you, and they just seem common because there are so much more allos around. No matter whom I asked IRL, and also in all dating guides that I read, it's usually "if after X you don't feel that spark, forget it". And X may be as early as "first date". Also, allos often grow very concerned when they did something romantic and the response was nice but lukewarm. They seriously give each other the advice, "dump him / her". Just browse Reddit's /r/dating_advice. They so much obsess about the "feelings", "vibe", "chemistry" and "connection". I'm very skeptical of Reddit, but it can't be all LARPING. PS (to make it all about ME): QPRs feel way too much like romantic relationships to me. Now, my friends are invited to stay overnight, but I can't imagine having someone around 24/7 all the time. This sounds worse than living in barracks. I'm always surprised about this notion that most aros desire a QPR. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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