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Dealing with arophobia - rant


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Little arophobia vent abt my private life because it will make me feel a little better. Be warned, I don't wanna ruin anyone's mood, only read when you can stomache it.

Sooo, basically, I have a bigoted mom. She hates homosexual people, she hates trans people, she is racist, she hates everything that isn't 100% the norm, you got my point. With her narrow as hell worldview it's no wonder that she assumes every (except for the mentally instable ones of course...) woman wants to have a boyfriend, marry him and have children. I am aromantic and I am not interested in any of that. We don't talk that much, but it feels like every third or so time we talk she either asks me if I have a boyfriend or talks about how excited she is to take care of my future children, etc. This kind of talk really annoys me and makes our already rocky relationship hard to improve when we have this constant disconnect from each other. And hell, I'd love to sincerely talk with her about my feelings, open up and start feeling more comfortable around her. It would just remove a weight off my chest.

Coming out to her would be a horrible idea, though. Either she would not take me serious, pass it off as a "phase", think I need to grow up (I'm literally a young adult) or assume the "evil lgbtq+" virus got to me OR perhaps even worse, she would take it serious and see me as a mentally ill or sad person.

I'm serious, I'm absolutely puzzled about how to handle this woman. Little example on how any attempt at trying to make her respect my feelings goes:

I was uncomfortable with her constantly pushing me to dress fancy and all feminine. I told her to stop, but she never respected it, so one time I spoke about it with a really serious tone. I didn't snap at her, didn't yell, I was literally at the verge of tears (It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I'm just emotional like that) hoping she would start to respect my boundaries, but then she just snaps at me, starts crying a lot and pretends like she is the victim because I made her feel sad with what I said, completely denying what I said, saying manipulative things like "I am sad that your perception sees things this way" (Of course something is wrong with my perception, not with you shitting on my boundaries) aaand continues the way she did. 

She cares a LOT about becoming a grandma (I'm her only child), so her reaction to me coming out probably wouldn't just be dismissive, but she would probably feel straight-up personally attacked by it. I also fear she would tell my father, who is somehow even more bigoted than my mom and completely screw me over. 

Being aromantic is something I share with people I'm close with, but keeping it from my mom who I live with just feels so wrong, especially because I'm trying to mend our relationship and all. It feels like I'm keeping a secret, not telling her who I really am and it just causes so so so much unnecessary tension and discord between us. I wish I could just explain it to her, somehow make her accept and understand it. I mean, if I have any interest in being in touch with her after moving out I will have to explain it eventually when I just never end up marrying or even being in a relationship with anyone, but how can I ever do it when she is like that? It's honestly sad.

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it sounds like youre in a really toxic and intolerant environment, Im sorry :(

I would recommend getting OUT of there as soon as possible, especially if you do plan on eventually coming out to her. Its understandable that it feels *wrong* to be keeping something from your parents, but you do NOT have to come out if you don't want to/aren't ready to, please remember that <33 

I would also recommend (if you do want to come out, of course,) not telling her unless you are financially stable and have a good housing alternative. I don't know your situation, but please keep your safety in mind :( I wish you luck my friend!

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