These rare crushes are driving me nuts, I don’t know what to do

[Immortal5000]

Hey, everyone,

I’m a gay allosexual greyromantic. I experience very narrow romantic crushes every five years or so and I really don’t know what to do about them. Here’s a brief history of my romantic and sexual orientations.

In my 20s, I became comfortable with the fact I was gay, but I was still stuck in a very heteronormative view of the world. I saw casual sex as somewhat immoral and undesirable. I tried to date but couldn’t find anyone.

In my 30s, I started having casual sex and quickly realized that I didn’t want a boyfriend. I loved casual sex and never formed any romantic attachment to any of the guys I had sex with, even though I found them physically attractive and even though many became friends with benefits.

I’m now in my late thirties and have recently discovered the aromantic spectrum. Hurray! However, I’m not fully aromantic. Over the years, I have had about three strong romantic crushes, and a few others that weren’t as deep. Each one of these guys turned out to be straight or, quite possibly, too deeply in the closet for anything to happen.

It turns out that, when it comes to sex, I’m attracted to a lot of very different types of guys. But when it comes to these romantic crushes, there is only one type that does it for me, and it is a ridiculously narrow type. I’m talking a specific eye colour, hair colour, skin tone, personality, body type, and age range. I think I finally realized how this type came to be. It was a movie I saw when I was coming to grips with my sexuality, and one of the characters in that movie seems to have imprinted himself onto my brain. Whenever I meet a guy who fits that character, my brain produces these romantic feelings that I otherwise don’t develop.

I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life alone and being happy… but I can also imagine myself in a long-term relationship with the guy I have a crush on and being equally happy.

These crushes are pretty devastating when they do happen, because they have never been requited. They linger and they make me feel like I may be missing out on something.

Then again, I can’t exactly create a profile on a dating app and list the ridiculously narrow type that I’m looking for. I’m also worried about leading a date on. Coming out as greyromantic on a first date and explaining the above seems overly complicated and likely to leave him confused.

If I were to try and explore this side of myself, how would I do that? I don’t experience romantic attraction to 99.99% of guys out there.

And if I keep not exploring this side of myself, how do I deal with these occasional but brutally impactful crushes I will keep getting once in a while?

I know this is a strange situation, but any help or advice you can give me will be welcomed. The friends I have aren’t part of this community and they haven’t been able to help.
 

 

Edited June 22, 2023 by Immortal5000
Copy/paste mishap

[EternallyTBD]

Maybe, for now, you could try to spend more time with friends and see the value that different platonic relationships and people have to you, especially if you are exploring your own romantic attraction or develop a crush on someone? As an aroace, I can’t say I fully understand the desire for a romantic/sexual relationship but I think I do still understand the desire for emotional intimacy and I find that once I turned to them, my closest friends fulfill that need and get me through some of my most difficult times. 
 

As for finding someone you feel romantically attracted to, I know very little about this but are there any LGBT+ dating events(?), websites or apps that you could get involved in? 

Edited July 18, 2023 by EternallyTBD

[Immortal5000]

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, EternallyTBD!

To answer your questions, I can find some emotional intimacy in some friends... but it unfortunately does not lessen the impact that these crushes have on me. It's not like filling the role of romantic partner with a close friend or two solves the issue, I'm sad to report. These rare crushes don't seem to spring because I'm in need of emotional intimacy. They don't seem to come from inside of me. They come from meeting and spending time with a particular guy.

As for the queer dating events or apps, sure, there are some. My concern is that my "type," when it comes to romantic interest, is so incredibly narrow that I'm not sure a dating app would even work for me.

Anyway, I appreciate the input! 

[Rackson]

On 6/21/2023 at 6:19 PM, Immortal5000 said:

Whenever I meet a guy who fits that character, my brain produces these romantic feelings that I otherwise don’t develop.

This sounds a bit like psuedo-romance, I would at least check this out to see if it fits your feelings. https://www.lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Pseudoromantic#:~:text=Pseudoromantic is an aromantic spectrum,or borders on romantic attraction.

[Immortal5000]

Hey, Rackson, thanks for bringing this to my attention. I wasn't aware of pseudoromance.

I'll have to mull it over. I do feel like it's easy to get lost in these sub-microlabels, though, and beyond providing a potential (tiny) community of people who feel like me, I still don't know how finding the right micro-label would really help me with these feelings.

In my case, it's not that I don't want to engage with my romantic feelings. I actually do. It's just that they are very rare... but they are powerful when they happen, and unfortunately I haven't found someone for whom I have these rare feelings and who is also gay.

I wish I could turn off this part of my brain and become fully aromantic. Life would be easier for me, I think. Urgh.

[Rackson]

18 hours ago, Immortal5000 said:

I wish I could turn off this part of my brain and become fully aromantic. Life would be easier for me, I think. Urgh.

This is how I feel as well. This is the exact reason I go by aro-spec rather than 50 seperate micro-labels. I wish I could be fully aromantic as well, that would make my life so much easier.

 

[HelloThere]

32 minutes ago, Rackson said:

This is how I feel as well. This is the exact reason I go by aro-spec rather than 50 seperate micro-labels. I wish I could be fully aromantic as well, that would make my life so much easier.

 

Same here, I’m ace-spec and I’d love nothing more than to remove any libido at all. It’s so incredibly pointless for me to have at this point, and there’s no goal to it at all.