Aphobic brother

[Isa1116]

My brother, while we were eating said that a-spec is dumb and stupid... He said it doesn't make sense and 'isn't interesting'. I started laughing at how bad his points were and he started swearing at me more than he already was.. He says that lgbtq+ is about love and nobody cares if I can't love, I don't get discriminated against (even though thats what he's doing) and when I said I don't wanna tell him why it is valid because I know it's not worth it, he just swore, called me dumb and run away. I'm sad, disappointed and kind of mad. Idk what to do about it.

Edited April 9, 2023 by Isa1116

[Ace_of_Spades]

I have definitely been discriminated against for being an aromantic asexual. 

Also, look at Yasmin Benoit's recent article posted on International Asexuality Day about the asexual African woman who had to flee her country to avoid forced marriage and corrective rape: https://pathwaystg.org/asexual-woman-fled-home-over-forced-marriage-and-corrective-rape-threats/.

You could revisit the conversation if and when you are ready. But honestly, some people are hateful and unwilling to listen no matter what you tell them. If he is one of those people, avoid him. You do not need the hatefulness in your life.

[nonmerci]

You can tell him that being called uninteresting, dumb and stupid for your orientation is already a for of discrimination. For instance it leads to a complete lack of representation in media, and when this representation is justified by "you are uninsterested and no one wants to hear about you", it is discrimination. Conversion therapy is also a thing : you'll find a lot of aros temling how their therapist saw their identity as something to cure and always want to talk about it, instead of treating what the person really needs to treat.

You can also point out that labelling your orientation is not onlh about how much discrimination you get. I suppose that when someone says he's gay or bi, they doesn't say it to say "look how I'm discriminated" but primilarly to say "this is the kind of people I can date and why". At least that's why it is useful to me : to explain that if I'm single, it is because I am not attracted to people this way.

Finally you can explain that the word is very important cause usually, aromantic and asexual people force themselves into relationship they don't want or need cause they don't know not being attracted is an option. That leads to a lot of distress, people thinking they are broken, etc. This label is litterally life saving for some people. It helps people understand themselves and know they are not sick or broken.

 

And if you don't want to talk about it yourself cause you don't think he'll get it, send him links to articles or videos that talk about the issue. Sometimes it is easier to not confront someone directly and let them think alone, then they'll come back at you when they are ready.

[Isa1116]

1 hour ago, Ace_of_Spades said:

I have definitely been discriminated against for being an aromantic asexual. 

Also, look at Yasmin Benoit's recent article posted on International Asexuality Day about the asexual African woman who had to flee her country to avoid forced marriage and corrective rape: https://pathwaystg.org/asexual-woman-fled-home-over-forced-marriage-and-corrective-rape-threats/.

You could revisit the conversation if and when you are ready. But honestly, some people are hateful and unwilling to listen no matter what you tell them. If he is one of those people, avoid him. You do not need the hatefulness in your life.

Thx for the link. I don't think I'm gonna talk to him about it anytime soon. He has his own stuff going on but maybe If I subtly show him that he's wrong without being rude or smth he won't freak out.

14 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

You can tell him that being called uninteresting, dumb and stupid for your orientation is already a for of discrimination. For instance it leads to a complete lack of representation in media, and when this representation is justified by "you are uninsterested and no one wants to hear about you", it is discrimination. Conversion therapy is also a thing : you'll find a lot of aros temling how their therapist saw their identity as something to cure and always want to talk about it, instead of treating what the person really needs to treat.

You can also point out that labelling your orientation is not onlh about how much discrimination you get. I suppose that when someone says he's gay or bi, they doesn't say it to say "look how I'm discriminated" but primilarly to say "this is the kind of people I can date and why". At least that's why it is useful to me : to explain that if I'm single, it is because I am not attracted to people this way.

Finally you can explain that the word is very important cause usually, aromantic and asexual people force themselves into relationship they don't want or need cause they don't know not being attracted is an option. That leads to a lot of distress, people thinking they are broken, etc. This label is litterally life saving for some people. It helps people understand themselves and know they are not sick or broken.

 

And if you don't want to talk about it yourself cause you don't think he'll get it, send him links to articles or videos that talk about the issue. Sometimes it is easier to not confront someone directly and let them think alone, then they'll come back at you when they are ready.

Thx a lot. I might try sending him smth but if he reads smth about an aroace being abused then he might say smth like 'oh? So you think that's gonna happen to you?' I might try one day but not now. Thx nonetheless.

[Celandine]

Hope you’re doing ok. It’s horrible to have people attack your identity like that, especially people close to you.

To me, this sounds like he might be deliberately trying to make you angry to get a rise out of you or wind you up (especially that comment about being uninteresting?? What does that even mean? Why would it even matter?). If you think his mind’s made up and he’s just saying stuff to upset you, it might be best to try and redirect the conversation or ignore him, as much as it sucks to hear that kind of stuff. But if you do want to engage or to try to convince him otherwise, then maybe you could have a look for studies or stories of people’s personal experiences with aphobia? Sometimes approaching your point from a more distanced, logical perspective can help convince these sorts of people to consider a more balanced perspective, or at the very least lay off it a bit. Either way it’s not your job to make him change his mind. Don’t feel pressured to argue with him if he’s just saying stuff to irritate you.

[Keith]

His arguments are simply irrational, 'cause wth is "it's not interesting" supposed to mean?? What is it supposed to prove?? 

Also yes, a-spec people are in fact discriminated, and unfortunately it happens pretty often. Mostly because people simply don't take us seriously. It leads to not getting any representation in media, which is one of the main reasons why it might be so hard for a-spec people to accept their orientation, and constant misunderstandings, that create tons of hurtful stereotypes.