Gender and sexuality crisis ;-;

[Eclipse]

So, there's this incredibly long story, but I'll try to make it shorter.

Here's the thing: As a child, I would ignore my gender, and I would do things considered masculine. Like for example: playing with toy motorcycles, and toy cars, (even though I played with girls stuff too, I just enjoyed playing with whatever really), getting dirty and not even caring, and a bit of lighthearted roughhousing, and such. I made friends easier with boys, and enjoyed the boys company more than girls, (that could probably have to do with the fact the girls were mean to me though). Though I insisted I was a girl, I felt like I fit in with boys, and ignored my gender when having fun and stuff.

Then when I was in the 7th grade I wanted to be a boy. So my friend told me to go for it, so I did of course, and it was great. Then I questioned it again when I heard the term Non-binary, and then Genderfluid, etc. I used up a lot of labels, and doubted myself every time. During that time, when I did ID as a boy, I felt strongly that I was one, at least fully a boy, but when the doubt came, I got really upset, because I wanted to be a boy very very badly.  Then I looked in a book about boys, and saw a (bear with me here, I'm gonna try to explain it) graphic image, that had made me repulsed by the idea of ever getting surgery for that. So I was like "ok I must definitely be Non-binary, right?" And so, I ID'd as that for a time. Another part during this complicated time was when I was still a boy, and got confused because it suddenly felt as if I were forcing myself to be that way. It upset me. Anyway, skipping because it's a mess. So, it felt like I was switching between gender neutral, and male. I grew sick of it, and it didn't feel like a fit.

I somehow catch myself using He/him pronouns on myself, and using male nouns, and referring to myself as male, since the only way I can word it is it feels right to me. It feels better than female nouns and pronouns, and gender neutral nouns and pronouns.

As for something else that may help: I really want a flat chest, and androgynous voice, and hrt, and as for one specific, yet personal thing, I'm not sure, I'm considering the surgery I was oh so repulsed by earlier (I was informed that it could've been because i was unfamiliar with it).

What do you think? I know you can't tell me who I am, but I prefer perspective or however you'd word it.

I forgot the sexuality part *Shrugs*

[Lunar Nova]

I'm not much help with this situation, but maybe body dysphoria is a part of this?

(I'm sorry I'm not of much help. I've only been a part of this community for not even a year yet. but I'm here if you need to rant/vent.)

[Eclipse]

Oh. That's a possibility. That probably would make sense.

[Queerdo]

A majority of trans people either choose not to get "bottom" surgery or don't have access to it. That's especially true for transmasc people. Having a phallus does not define boyhood, and I know some great dudes (some of whom rock biker beards) who have not had gender-affirming surgery.

[Lunar Nova]

11 minutes ago, The Lost One said:

Oh. That's a possibility. That probably would make sense.

glad to be of some help 

[EternallyTBD]

It could be possible that however you identify may not be connected to your pronouns. Anybody, of any gender, can use whatever pronouns they feel for them best, despite the typical stereotypes. Even as a nonbinary person, I am considering using neopronouns or he/they pronouns to see if they make me more comfortable. 

And about labels, I think they’re really interesting because I know that personally I really needed them for validation when I first started to sort it my gender and sexuality but now as I’ve grown more comfortable I feel less attracted to them. My school’s GSA had a conversation about labels that I found really insightful, that all of the things we label are based on social constructs and we can choose to exist as label-less and just be who we are without describing it necessarily. However, the hard part I think is that some people have a hard time excepting that just because a label isn’t needed doesn’t mean that the person is just going through a “phase” or that their gender or sexuality may change because they don’t label it, which is (in most cases) just incorrect and even harmful. So I guess what I’m getting to is that if you can be at peace with yourself without labeling your gender and just being whoever you are, and know that other people have no right to invalidate you because of it. But if you feel like a label would make you feel valid, it is totally ok to search for one too!

Just a suggestion: have you considered that you could be a demiboy or fluid between nonbinary and male? It is also completely ok to not want some, or even any, forms of gender affirming surgery, or non-surgical options if that is the case (like a binder); it wouldn’t make you “less trans” in any way. And if people tell you otherwise, that’s their problem. 

Edited March 21 by EternallyTBD

[hemogoblin]

Neither genitalia nor transition/desired transition define your gender. Trans means "across", as in identifying away from something that is fully your gender assigned at birth. Trans is not short for "transition". What do you feel like? You can be a boy with a flat chest but no penis. You can be a boy with boobs. Those aren't the things that make you a boy. What makes you a boy is feeling like/wanting to be a boy. That's it. That's all. So, what do you think?

[Eclipse]

19 hours ago, EternallyTBD said:

It could be possible that however you identify may not be connected to your pronouns. Anybody, of any gender, can use whatever pronouns they feel for them best, despite the typical stereotypes. Even as a nonbinary person, I am considering using neopronouns or he/they pronouns to see if they make me more comfortable. 

And about labels, I think they’re really interesting because I know that personally I really needed them for validation when I first started to sort it my gender and sexuality but now as I’ve grown more comfortable I feel less attracted to them. My school’s GSA had a conversation about labels that I found really insightful, that all of the things we label are based on social constructs and we can choose to exist as label-less and just be who we are without describing it necessarily. However, the hard part I think is that some people have a hard time excepting that just because a label isn’t needed doesn’t mean that the person is just going through a “phase” or that their gender or sexuality may change because they don’t label it, which is (in most cases) just incorrect and even harmful. So I guess what I’m getting to is that if you can be at peace with yourself without labeling your gender and just being whoever you are, and know that other people have no right to invalidate you because of it. But if you feel like a label would make you feel valid, it is totally ok to search for one too!

Just a suggestion: have you considered that you could be a demiboy or fluid between nonbinary and male? It is also completely ok to not want some, or even any, forms of gender affirming surgery, or non-surgical options if that is the case (like a binder); it wouldn’t make you “less trans” in any way. And if people tell you otherwise, that’s their problem. 

I have considered that I could be Demiboy, on quite a few occasions.  And I've considered the possibility that I could be fluid between male and Non-binary. I'm considering being Demiboy, and now whatever you would call being fluid between male and Non-binary., and part of me is screaming to myself "You are a Demiboy" quite loudly. What would you call being fluid between male and Non-binary? 

16 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

Neither genitalia nor transition/desired transition define your gender. Trans means "across", as in identifying away from something that is fully your gender assigned at birth. Trans is not short for "transition". What do you feel like? You can be a boy with a flat chest but no penis. You can be a boy with boobs. Those aren't the things that make you a boy. What makes you a boy is feeling like/wanting to be a boy. That's it. That's all. So, what do you think?

What I feel like? That's a little hard to answer. But I'll try to. I feel masculine/like a boy, but maybe, sometimes Non-binary or neutral. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I do feel masculine/male, sometimes, and then Non-binary/neutral. Like it seems to switch or something. And I agree.

Edited March 22 by The Lost One

[EternallyTBD]

12 hours ago, The Lost One said:

I have considered that I could be Demiboy, on quite a few occasions.  And I've considered the possibility that I could be fluid between male and Non-binary. I'm considering being Demiboy, and now whatever you would call being fluid between male and Non-binary., and part of me is screaming to myself "You are a Demiboy" quite loudly. What would you call being fluid between male and Non-binary? 

I believe being genderfluid between male and nonbinary is sometimes called being gendermars or genderfaun. It seems to be most commonly described as being genderfluid but not experiencing female genders.