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So, i am quoiromantic and i have been in a relationship with this dude for about two months now (let's call him Lex). And i have to say things are moving VERY fast (i am not going into details and if you ask im really not going to /srs). I felt comfortable in with Lex and i really liked him, he is a really nice guy after all. But i don't think i like him anymore (i think i really don't know i never knew since he asked me out first). And i think i want to break up, but there's something on my mind because we've been trough a lot in these 2 months and i don't want to make him feel worthless and i want to stay friends but uhm, there's is this other guy who has been flirting with me for a really long time now (he's my best friend btw and it started about 4 years ago (lets call him peter)). Now, Peter confessed to my about a month ago about his feelings, he knew about me and Lex's relationship but there were a lot of things happening between me and Peter at the moment. 

I think i may have developed feeling for Peter but i really don't know. I have the same feelings for Peter as for Lex (I'm polyamorous so yeah), but i don't know FOR BOTH OF THEM if i have romantic feeling of if i just want to stay friends.

Now, what i haven't mentioned yet is that me and Lex are in a long distance relationship and me and Peter are just about 10 KM from each others homes and we see each other quite regularly. My love language is physical touch, and i bond with people in that way, so it has been hard with me and Lex.

I have said to Peter, like, i would break up with Lex a few days after his trip to Rome, since i wouldn't want to ruin his trip (i don't want to ruin anything at all actually), and that's over a few days. And Peter begun saying that we could have a relationship if i were single again. Which i agreed to cause why not? Well because Lex knows about the flirting that Peter does and REALLY doesn't like this. I am his first ever boyfriend so i see where it comes from. Now, if i break up with Lex, he'll assume it is because of Peter, and ruin the friendship between them. And i really don't want that.

I also don't know HOW to break up with him since with all my previous relationships i got dumped-

Is it also not weird to say that if things don't work out of things go wrong in my life, and if im also still single by then, that I'm open for a relationship but for now i really don't know how to feel.

I'm so sorry if all this is really confusing, i topic shift a lot and English is not my first language. <3

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Hello and welcome to the forum!

There's a lot here I want to break down, but I want to preface this by saying that I realize it may come off as rather harsh, and I know English not being your native language could definitely compound that. So I want to start off with letting you know that I really respect you for coming here and being honest and being brave enough to ask for advice. Nothing I say is meant to be condemning of you or your character. This is a tough situation AND a small overall part of who you are. You are welcome here, you belong here, and I hope you stick around and find a community here if you so desire.

So. I am starting with an assumption based on the context I've gathered from your post. I apologize if I've misread.

First off. In my opinion, you need to back off with Peter right now. Just because you are polyamorous doesn't mean you can't cheat. It sounds like Lex is either not polyamorous or is simply uncomfortable with Peter being involved in the relationship. By the fact that you having moved any further with Peter right now, I am guessing that you and Lex are either closed or you have the sort of polyam where you get a say over each other's partners and for now Peter has been vetoed. So talking about Peter about wanting to be with him and when you're going to break up with Lex so this can happen? It's flirting with the lines of cheating. This isn't you discussing your relationship feelings with a friend. This is you plotting with your soon-to-be-date over breaking up with your current date. There are lines being crossed here that could really hurt people.

On top of that, Peter confessing his feelings to you while you and Lex were having difficulties that he knew about because you were confiding in him doesn't endear him to me very well. That's not passionate or communicative or being a good friend. That's, for lack of a less serious word, kinda predatory. This person, who claims to be your friend and Lex's friend, took advantage of the relationship troubles you came to him as a friend over as a chance to confess his feelings and sway you to "the grass on the other side is greener". Maybe he was speaking his truth, but he was being a rather poor friend to Lex and to you. He should have made room for you two to sort out your problems without confounding it with a third other thing: his feelings.

(Which doesn't inherently mean a relationship with Peter couldn't be great, healthy, or long-lasting. I think good people make poor decisions all the time. Emotions can be intense and hard to deal with and mistakes and failures are the best way to learn. But I bring this up because it plays into something I'm going to address again in another paragraph or so.)

So since you do not currently have a polyamorous relationship with both Lex and Peter, I think you need to pull away from Peter while you navigate the end of your relationship with Lex. Peter is coloring things in a very difficult manner that is unnecessarily complicating. Deal with Lex. Then you can think about your next move.

Which brings us to breaking up with Lex. You've never broken up with anybody before, but you have been broken up with. What were those experiences like? Did they all have a similar approach you might model? Are there things they said that actually did help? Are there things they said that just made it worse? Did none of it really matter because you were just gonna feel your feelings regardless? Look over your past experiences and use that to guide this experience. Breaking up is rarely easy, but there's no big secret to doing it. Preferably, you pick a neutral, private moment to break up. (Meaning, don't set up a special date just to break up. Do it during a phone/video call without having promised something super romantic or whatever. If you can pick a time where you've both slept and ate and are feeling good - harder to do when long-distance, I know - then the conversation can go better because the both of you are more taken care of and ready to handle difficult conversations.) Then, you just break up. Know that you don't actually owe the real explanation or an in-depth explanation of why you're breaking up. The other person is really going to believe whatever they believe. Your goal should be to be gentle and compassionate. You don't need Lex to know what you think he should fix for future relationships. You don't need Lex to understand or accept your feelings. You just need to communicate that the relationship is over.

Speaking of, do not mention being open to a romantic relationship with him in the future. While it may be honest and true, it just muddies the waters of breaking up. If you say something like that, then it can be read as an invitation to try again now, and that's not what you want. If there's potential for a romantic relationship with Lex again in the future, cross that bridge when you get there. It does not need to be mentioned now. Leave that out completely. Make it clear this is an ending. If you do try a relationship later, that'll be a time when you've both grown and changed and your feelings will be different. Let that come about naturally, if ever. Saying something like that during a break up can make it harder for the other person to let go and move on.

Also don't try to be the friend who helps Lex process the break up or move on from you. Step back and give him space. Maybe you can keep your friendship! But it's going to need to change and evolve, and space is most likely going to be necessary for the both of you to allow the nature of the relationship to change. Lex needs to lean on other friends for a while, particularly regarding his feelings over the break up and potentially re-navigating friendship with you.

Finally, regarding Lex and Peter's friendship. It's absolutely none of your business. There is nothing you can do one way or another to make them keep or drop their friendship. That decision is there for each of them individually to make (and it's a "two yesses; one no" type of decision, ie both of them have to want to stay friends in order to stay friends). You worry about your relationship with each of them separately. You let them worry about their own relationships. And tbh, you remember what I said earlier? Honestly, if Peter does lose his friendship with Lex, then that's completely a result of the decisions HE made. He's the one who decided to flirt with his friend's partner. He's the one who knew his friends were having relationship problems and decided that was an appropriate time to confess his feelings to move in on you. He's the one who decided to be a kinda crappy friend to Lex. Lex has all rights to end the friendship. He has all rights to continue the friendship and realize he can't. Lex has all rights to end the friendship and decide later if he wants to re-establish it. Nothing you or Peter do can or should change that right. Peter gets to make his own decisions about if he wants to keep a relationship with Lex or not, but he doesn't get to make a decision for Lex any more than Lex gets to make a decision for Peter.

Just like you can't control Lex's thoughts either. Even though you have a myriad of reasons for breaking up with Lex, even though you may explain these to Lex - Lex is still his own person with his own mind, and he's going to think what he thinks. And yes, that may include blaming Peter or assuming the break up is because of Peter. Lex gets to feel those ways even if it isn't accurate. Humans often react on emotion first, logic third or fifth or tenth. Lex deserves to get to process his feelings at his pace, and you honestly couldn't force or beg him to do otherwise regardless.

For what it's worth, as an outsider, it sounds like a really good decision to break up with Lex. It sounds like there are lots of incompatibilities there (such as your polyam and his potential not polyam or him needing vetoes to your partners) AND no relationship should be this dramatic and difficult only two months in. The start of a relationship is supposed to be fun. Up to 6 months to 1 year is typically the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship, where people are kind of wearing rose-colored glasses and just excited and nervous to get to know each other, and they don't really fight (because they're trying to be on their best behavior) or notice flaws about the other (because they're too focused on if they're making a good impression). A relationship that is this difficult a mere 8 weeks in belies a relationship that is only going to get more and more unstable and continue to devolve into more fighting and pain.

And as seriously as I have talked about Peter hurting Lex, I will also bring us back to the reality that this is only two months of everyone's time. In the grand scheme of things...this is nothing. Your relationship with Lex really hasn't even had time to begin yet. It's definitely different than Peter confessing to you when you're years in/married to Lex, and I hope that with some time for processing and healing, you all can come back together and heal your dynamics. I think this is just a situation of a couple of people navigating difficult feelings and relationships and figuring out their needs and desires.

Good luck!

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If you're poly and want to try a thing with both of them, you could talk with them about it. But I'm not sure it would work in your case

If you feel like you don't have feelings for Lex anymore you should break it off, no point in dragging a hopeless situation. I believe that if you are on the fence on whether to break up with him or not you should ask yourself if staying in that relationship is more trouble than it's worth at this point. And don't stay in the relationship just because you're afraid of hurting his feelings if you break up, the situation will hurt both of you much more if you drag it out

As for how to do it, you can always just go with the truth, that you lost feelings. It will hurt him, sure, but it will be easier for him to heal from it than if he believes that you've been cheating on him with the other guy

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12 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

Hello and welcome to the forum!

There's a lot here I want to break down, but I want to preface this by saying that I realize it may come off as rather harsh, and I know English not being your native language could definitely compound that. So I want to start off with letting you know that I really respect you for coming here and being honest and being brave enough to ask for advice. Nothing I say is meant to be condemning of you or your character. This is a tough situation AND a small overall part of who you are. You are welcome here, you belong here, and I hope you stick around and find a community here if you so desire.

So. I am starting with an assumption based on the context I've gathered from your post. I apologize if I've misread.

First off. In my opinion, you need to back off with Peter right now. Just because you are polyamorous doesn't mean you can't cheat. It sounds like Lex is either not polyamorous or is simply uncomfortable with Peter being involved in the relationship. By the fact that you having moved any further with Peter right now, I am guessing that you and Lex are either closed or you have the sort of polyam where you get a say over each other's partners and for now Peter has been vetoed. So talking about Peter about wanting to be with him and when you're going to break up with Lex so this can happen? It's flirting with the lines of cheating. This isn't you discussing your relationship feelings with a friend. This is you plotting with your soon-to-be-date over breaking up with your current date. There are lines being crossed here that could really hurt people.

On top of that, Peter confessing his feelings to you while you and Lex were having difficulties that he knew about because you were confiding in him doesn't endear him to me very well. That's not passionate or communicative or being a good friend. That's, for lack of a less serious word, kinda predatory. This person, who claims to be your friend and Lex's friend, took advantage of the relationship troubles you came to him as a friend over as a chance to confess his feelings and sway you to "the grass on the other side is greener". Maybe he was speaking his truth, but he was being a rather poor friend to Lex and to you. He should have made room for you two to sort out your problems without confounding it with a third other thing: his feelings.

(Which doesn't inherently mean a relationship with Peter couldn't be great, healthy, or long-lasting. I think good people make poor decisions all the time. Emotions can be intense and hard to deal with and mistakes and failures are the best way to learn. But I bring this up because it plays into something I'm going to address again in another paragraph or so.)

So since you do not currently have a polyamorous relationship with both Lex and Peter, I think you need to pull away from Peter while you navigate the end of your relationship with Lex. Peter is coloring things in a very difficult manner that is unnecessarily complicating. Deal with Lex. Then you can think about your next move.

Which brings us to breaking up with Lex. You've never broken up with anybody before, but you have been broken up with. What were those experiences like? Did they all have a similar approach you might model? Are there things they said that actually did help? Are there things they said that just made it worse? Did none of it really matter because you were just gonna feel your feelings regardless? Look over your past experiences and use that to guide this experience. Breaking up is rarely easy, but there's no big secret to doing it. Preferably, you pick a neutral, private moment to break up. (Meaning, don't set up a special date just to break up. Do it during a phone/video call without having promised something super romantic or whatever. If you can pick a time where you've both slept and ate and are feeling good - harder to do when long-distance, I know - then the conversation can go better because the both of you are more taken care of and ready to handle difficult conversations.) Then, you just break up. Know that you don't actually owe the real explanation or an in-depth explanation of why you're breaking up. The other person is really going to believe whatever they believe. Your goal should be to be gentle and compassionate. You don't need Lex to know what you think he should fix for future relationships. You don't need Lex to understand or accept your feelings. You just need to communicate that the relationship is over.

Speaking of, do not mention being open to a romantic relationship with him in the future. While it may be honest and true, it just muddies the waters of breaking up. If you say something like that, then it can be read as an invitation to try again now, and that's not what you want. If there's potential for a romantic relationship with Lex again in the future, cross that bridge when you get there. It does not need to be mentioned now. Leave that out completely. Make it clear this is an ending. If you do try a relationship later, that'll be a time when you've both grown and changed and your feelings will be different. Let that come about naturally, if ever. Saying something like that during a break up can make it harder for the other person to let go and move on.

Also don't try to be the friend who helps Lex process the break up or move on from you. Step back and give him space. Maybe you can keep your friendship! But it's going to need to change and evolve, and space is most likely going to be necessary for the both of you to allow the nature of the relationship to change. Lex needs to lean on other friends for a while, particularly regarding his feelings over the break up and potentially re-navigating friendship with you.

Finally, regarding Lex and Peter's friendship. It's absolutely none of your business. There is nothing you can do one way or another to make them keep or drop their friendship. That decision is there for each of them individually to make (and it's a "two yesses; one no" type of decision, ie both of them have to want to stay friends in order to stay friends). You worry about your relationship with each of them separately. You let them worry about their own relationships. And tbh, you remember what I said earlier? Honestly, if Peter does lose his friendship with Lex, then that's completely a result of the decisions HE made. He's the one who decided to flirt with his friend's partner. He's the one who knew his friends were having relationship problems and decided that was an appropriate time to confess his feelings to move in on you. He's the one who decided to be a kinda crappy friend to Lex. Lex has all rights to end the friendship. He has all rights to continue the friendship and realize he can't. Lex has all rights to end the friendship and decide later if he wants to re-establish it. Nothing you or Peter do can or should change that right. Peter gets to make his own decisions about if he wants to keep a relationship with Lex or not, but he doesn't get to make a decision for Lex any more than Lex gets to make a decision for Peter.

Just like you can't control Lex's thoughts either. Even though you have a myriad of reasons for breaking up with Lex, even though you may explain these to Lex - Lex is still his own person with his own mind, and he's going to think what he thinks. And yes, that may include blaming Peter or assuming the break up is because of Peter. Lex gets to feel those ways even if it isn't accurate. Humans often react on emotion first, logic third or fifth or tenth. Lex deserves to get to process his feelings at his pace, and you honestly couldn't force or beg him to do otherwise regardless.

For what it's worth, as an outsider, it sounds like a really good decision to break up with Lex. It sounds like there are lots of incompatibilities there (such as your polyam and his potential not polyam or him needing vetoes to your partners) AND no relationship should be this dramatic and difficult only two months in. The start of a relationship is supposed to be fun. Up to 6 months to 1 year is typically the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship, where people are kind of wearing rose-colored glasses and just excited and nervous to get to know each other, and they don't really fight (because they're trying to be on their best behavior) or notice flaws about the other (because they're too focused on if they're making a good impression). A relationship that is this difficult a mere 8 weeks in belies a relationship that is only going to get more and more unstable and continue to devolve into more fighting and pain.

And as seriously as I have talked about Peter hurting Lex, I will also bring us back to the reality that this is only two months of everyone's time. In the grand scheme of things...this is nothing. Your relationship with Lex really hasn't even had time to begin yet. It's definitely different than Peter confessing to you when you're years in/married to Lex, and I hope that with some time for processing and healing, you all can come back together and heal your dynamics. I think this is just a situation of a couple of people navigating difficult feelings and relationships and figuring out their needs and desires.

Good luck!

Thank you, this has helped me a lot and made things clearer for me. Thank you 

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11 hours ago, rob said:

If you're poly and want to try a thing with both of them, you could talk with them about it. But I'm not sure it would work in your case

If you feel like you don't have feelings for Lex anymore you should break it off, no point in dragging a hopeless situation. I believe that if you are on the fence on whether to break up with him or not you should ask yourself if staying in that relationship is more trouble than it's worth at this point. And don't stay in the relationship just because you're afraid of hurting his feelings if you break up, the situation will hurt both of you much more if you drag it out

As for how to do it, you can always just go with the truth, that you lost feelings. It will hurt him, sure, but it will be easier for him to heal from it than if he believes that you've been cheating on him with the other guy

Thank you for helping me!

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  • 5 months later...

First off, it's cool that you're reaching out for advice. Relationships can be quite the rollercoaster, especially when feelings are evolving. It sounds like you've got quite the dynamic going on, with Lex, Peter, and your own emotions in the mix.
Deciding how to navigate these waters isn't easy, especially considering the long-distance aspect. The fact that you're considering everyone's feelings is pretty thoughtful. Remember, it's okay to take time to figure out your own feelings too. Relationships are complex, and it's all about finding what aligns with your heart.
As you're pondering your next steps, how about a lighthearted detour? Roll the virtual d&d dice roller – a little random fun to take the edge off.

Edited by ChristianHansen
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39 minutes ago, ChristianHansen said:

First off, it's cool that you're reaching out for advice. Relationships can be quite the rollercoaster, especially when feelings are evolving. It sounds like you've got quite the dynamic going on, with Lex, Peter, and your own emotions in the mix.
Deciding how to navigate these waters isn't easy, especially considering the long-distance aspect. The fact that you're considering everyone's feelings is pretty thoughtful. Remember, it's okay to take time to figure out your own feelings too. Relationships are complex, and it's all about finding what aligns with your heart.
As you're pondering your next steps, how about a lighthearted detour? Roll the virtual d&d dice roller – a little random fun to take the edge off.

Thank you for replying! I do say that I have already solved this issue and I really think I made the right decision. But I do appreciate this comment because I have trouble with calming down sometimes and the dice thingy my come in handy. :D

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