i need some help

[Guest james]

so, i am new to this forum and i identify as queer

i know for sure about my sexual identity and that i am bisexual but about the romantic part.. not so sure

i've had crushes in the past (mostly boys) but when i reflect on it, i only remember wanting them to like me and think i was cool and how i would  get to show off to my other girl friends that i have a boyfriend, its always been like this, does this make me somewhere on the arospec (i was thinking grayrom but im not sure now) and this attraction just being my need for the lacking male validation or am i an alloromantic?

[rationalcucumber]

I recommend looking at different (a)romantic orientations, reading their descriptions, and seeing if anything fits your experience. I'd say you don't have to "meet all the criteria for a diagnosis" or something; if you vibe with the label, see it fits you, makes you feel at home, then stick with it. A label is not a permanent thing, things can change, you could for example think some more and arrive at a different conclusion, but that doesn't make your label any less valid. There's nothing wrong with a little experimenting.

I can say I have similar experiences as you, and I currently identify as aromantic, but I'm still kinda questioning whether they were crushes or as you said seeking validation (or I just can't differentiate between romantic and platonic because I'm autistic). But aromantic is where I feel at home the most, so unless I make a sudden discovery about myself I don't think I'll change it anytime soon.

[hemogoblin]

I'm caedromantic, so I actually used to be probably alloromantic. I can tell you what my crush feelings used to feel like:

• Overwhelming magnetic pull to stare at/think about/be around the other person but also being inexplicably scared/anxious/awkward about actually interacting with them
• Desperately wanting them to notice me
• It being so special when they did notice me
• An emptiness/void if they took away attention again
• A strong desire to just be with them and have them be with me
• Preoccupation with how to get them to pay more attention to me (sometimes these were just daydreams if I wanted to keep things private and secret)
• Feeling like I was orbiting around them and being drawn to just...existing near them
• Their opinion towards me mattering more than anybody else's
• Lots of daydreaming and ruminating over them
• Feeling euphoric and special when they did interact with me and give me attention
• Like the rest of the world would fade away and it was just the two of us when we did interact

[Guest james]

5 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

I'm caedromantic, so I actually used to be probably alloromantic. I can tell you what my crush feelings used to feel like:

• Overwhelming magnetic pull to stare at/think about/be around the other person but also being inexplicably scared/anxious/awkward about actually interacting with them
• Desperately wanting them to notice me
• It being so special when they did notice me
• An emptiness/void if they took away attention again
• A strong desire to just be with them and have them be with me
• Preoccupation with how to get them to pay more attention to me (sometimes these were just daydreams if I wanted to keep things private and secret)
• Feeling like I was orbiting around them and being drawn to just...existing near them
• Their opinion towards me mattering more than anybody else's
• Lots of daydreaming and ruminating over them
• Feeling euphoric and special when they did interact with me and give me attention
• Like the rest of the world would fade away and it was just the two of us when we did interact

this exactly you've just put whatever i feel into words 

thank you for answering! hope u have a great day

 

 

 

 

[Guest james]

16 hours ago, rationalcucumber said:

I recommend looking at different (a)romantic orientations, reading their descriptions, and seeing if anything fits your experience. I'd say you don't have to "meet all the criteria for a diagnosis" or something; if you vibe with the label, see it fits you, makes you feel at home, then stick with it. A label is not a permanent thing, things can change, you could for example think some more and arrive at a different conclusion, but that doesn't make your label any less valid. There's nothing wrong with a little experimenting.

I can say I have similar experiences as you, and I currently identify as aromantic, but I'm still kinda questioning whether they were crushes or as you said seeking validation (or I just can't differentiate between romantic and platonic because I'm autistic). But aromantic is where I feel at home the most, so unless I make a sudden discovery about myself I don't think I'll change it anytime soon.

i totally get you thank you for helping me out will definitely read more about this 

[hemogoblin]

13 hours ago, Guest james said:

this exactly you've just put whatever i feel into words 

thank you for answering! hope u have a great day

So glad I could help put words to it!

If that's the case, then I would say that you probably do experience romantic attraction on some level. The next step would be to consider if this level occurs on a more aro frequency or a more allo frequency. Some considerations could be:

Who?

• I would say it's uncommon to have a lingering crush on a complete stranger you saw once on the street (though an allo might feel attraction to a stranger), but crushes can occur on anybody within a range of closeness, including: close friends, casual friends, acquaintances, coworkers/peers, coffee barista, retail cashier, doctor/dentist, celebrities, and/or fictional characters. Somebody the allo sees at least every now and then (even if through social media or a show rather than real life), though they don't have to be particularly close. (There can be exceptions even to this. If you ever watched Lord of the Rings, you might be familiar with the fan-named character "Figwit", a character who had a total of maybe two seconds on screen who many fans fixated on for his apparent good looks. He has about 200 fanworks dedicated to him on ao3.)
• An aro is more likely to have a limited range of who they experience attraction to, whether that be only close friends or only acquaintances or only fictional characters.

When?

• For an allo, crushes are pretty much a part of daily life and can describe both fleeting and lingering feelings. People may have several crushes at once. They may develop new crushes on a daily, weekly, or potentially monthly basis. Crushes may last for as little as an hour to up to many months. I think crushes tend to slow down both as an adult (teenagers are full of lots of hormones and this largely settles down for many adults), as well as for someone in a committed relationship(s) (which I would put down to a relationship taking a lot of time and focus, just giving people less energy and desire to notice others around them for a while). Even folk in committed monogamous relationships are likely to experiences crushes on other people now and again.
• An aro is more likely to go months to years without any hint of romantic attraction, with year long gaps being common and regular.

What to do?

• An allo certainly doesn't want to act upon all their crushes for a variety of reasons. Some can be enjoyable to be just cherished in secret. Others may be frustrating or annoying (such as a crush on a coworker that puts you in an awkward position at work, an inappropriate crush on a boss or your doctor which makes you anxious and overthink in scenarios you'd like to be clear headed in, or a crush on someone you know you'd be incompatible with and would never work well in a relationship together). Sometimes an allo may even act on their feelings without wanting a relationship (they enjoy flirting, it feels good, they can't figure out how they'd react normally, their feelings make them nervous and impulsive, etc.). But every now and then, an allo will want to act on those feelings and try to pursue a relationship if possible.
• An aro's confusion on what to do with crush-like feelings may be even more magnified since these feelings are so rare for them. Some aros may be disgusted and repulsed by these feelings, even.

There's no one-story-fits-all for either allos or aros (ex. allos can experience romance-repulsion, though it is rarer for them), but these are just some points of difference I thought may help. At the end of the day, there's a reason you've related to aromantic experiences. Some time figuring out if you can tease out why this is may help you better decide how you want to label - or some time taking a break from introspecting on this and just identifying a certain way for a matter of months and seeing how it makes you feel may help instead.

[Guest james]

On 1/7/2023 at 6:26 AM, hemogoblin said:

So glad I could help put words to it!

If that's the case, then I would say that you probably do experience romantic attraction on some level. The next step would be to consider if this level occurs on a more aro frequency or a more allo frequency. Some considerations could be:

Who?

• I would say it's uncommon to have a lingering crush on a complete stranger you saw once on the street (though an allo might feel attraction to a stranger), but crushes can occur on anybody within a range of closeness, including: close friends, casual friends, acquaintances, coworkers/peers, coffee barista, retail cashier, doctor/dentist, celebrities, and/or fictional characters. Somebody the allo sees at least every now and then (even if through social media or a show rather than real life), though they don't have to be particularly close. (There can be exceptions even to this. If you ever watched Lord of the Rings, you might be familiar with the fan-named character "Figwit", a character who had a total of maybe two seconds on screen who many fans fixated on for his apparent good looks. He has about 200 fanworks dedicated to him on ao3.)
• An aro is more likely to have a limited range of who they experience attraction to, whether that be only close friends or only acquaintances or only fictional characters.

When?

• For an allo, crushes are pretty much a part of daily life and can describe both fleeting and lingering feelings. People may have several crushes at once. They may develop new crushes on a daily, weekly, or potentially monthly basis. Crushes may last for as little as an hour to up to many months. I think crushes tend to slow down both as an adult (teenagers are full of lots of hormones and this largely settles down for many adults), as well as for someone in a committed relationship(s) (which I would put down to a relationship taking a lot of time and focus, just giving people less energy and desire to notice others around them for a while). Even folk in committed monogamous relationships are likely to experiences crushes on other people now and again.
• An aro is more likely to go months to years without any hint of romantic attraction, with year long gaps being common and regular.

What to do?

• An allo certainly doesn't want to act upon all their crushes for a variety of reasons. Some can be enjoyable to be just cherished in secret. Others may be frustrating or annoying (such as a crush on a coworker that puts you in an awkward position at work, an inappropriate crush on a boss or your doctor which makes you anxious and overthink in scenarios you'd like to be clear headed in, or a crush on someone you know you'd be incompatible with and would never work well in a relationship together). Sometimes an allo may even act on their feelings without wanting a relationship (they enjoy flirting, it feels good, they can't figure out how they'd react normally, their feelings make them nervous and impulsive, etc.). But every now and then, an allo will want to act on those feelings and try to pursue a relationship if possible.
• An aro's confusion on what to do with crush-like feelings may be even more magnified since these feelings are so rare for them. Some aros may be disgusted and repulsed by these feelings, even.

There's no one-story-fits-all for either allos or aros (ex. allos can experience romance-repulsion, though it is rarer for them), but these are just some points of difference I thought may help. At the end of the day, there's a reason you've related to aromantic experiences. Some time figuring out if you can tease out why this is may help you better decide how you want to label - or some time taking a break from introspecting on this and just identifying a certain way for a matter of months and seeing how it makes you feel may help instead.

hahah no way there's 200 fics for figwit woah

i thought abt all the crushes ive had and i actually only have had a 'proper' crush on my close guy friends and couple other girl friends, the other crushes ive had now seem to me as just immense physical attraction (which was reciprocated a lot of times that's why probably i was so obsessed with the other person and thought it was a crush, plus i loved the attention) 

"An aro's confusion on what to do with crush-like feelings may be even more magnified since these feelings are so rare for them" lol this haha yeah honestly a lot of time ive just had confusion on what these feelings are and maybe when i was young i just decided to label them as romantic feelings when it might have been platonic attraction 

again thank you for helping me out it made a lot of things clearer 

hope you're having a great day