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Extreme loneliness while being aromantic, can anyone relate? Warning: very long post below


MulticulturalFarmer
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Hi there everyone. This is a rant, and I hope that some people can relate. I can't seem to make friends online, especially on penpal sites and reddit. I can't make many IRL because I'm stuck in one of those backwards rural areas at the moment (though I previously lived in a major urban area the first time I tried college), and a lot of people are just standoffish to me in general due to perceived androgynous-ness (due to being intersex) and my ethnic background.  I have lived in better rural areas but this one sucks, but I gotta be here for financial reasons (aka job loss). I'd like to have a QPR that involves sexual relations, but I'm okay with close friendships or QPRs without sex too. 

Eh, I'm sure my personality could be better and I could be better off at talking to people about more 'common interests' for people in their 20s like going to bars, dancing, pop music, etc. (there's not much of that here, but starting a new job in 2023 could at least help me to get to the bars and restaurants that have things going on but there's only two of those). I tend to only like intellectual topics as my personal interests, some outdoor activities, and I'm trying to get back into sports. 

But even online I guess because of the lack of shared activities (even in the virtual world), especially on penpal websites, it's hard to make long term friends and keep conversations going, because I think the barrier to having shared experiences is a lot higher. So I'm grateful to forums like this where I guess you can make conversation and acquaintances a bit more organically as opposed to "I would like someone to talk to about xyz interest and let’s hope we get along”

Oh, and I lost a lot of my religious friends after coming out as non-religious and intersex. Granted I was younger and a bit "in your face" about the non-religious thing, but the intersex thing was definitely a factor too.  I also have had to cut out many so-called acquaintances/friends that I made IRL while traveling who didn't really hit me up to talk or never really responded to messages. Previously I would have just tried to talk to them anyway, but I’m at the point where if someone doesn’t make an effort to converse with me regularly (and i dont want things to be one-sided cause so many interactions with people are that way) or accommodate my health issues or disabilities I don’t want to engage with them either. 

There were a few people I did make acquaintances/friends with the first time I tried college and did a summer of studying abroad, but, admittedly it was a dealbreaker that I always had to write messages and didn't get to talk verbally (the other person was not interested in that), cause, ugh, dyslexia is an irritating condition for sure. 

So I guess the conclusion of this is that I could be better with friends and the like, I have made some mistakes (like what I mentioned earlier), but also that there were some times when people talked to me but I used to, when I was slightly younger, only want to have friends that also had STEM and/or history as their absolute biggest interest and if people with other interests talked to me I wouldn’t talk to them much unless we saw each other in person. So yeah, could be that my desire to have friendships in a particular way limited me, though I'm sure being different as a result of my identities is another factor.

One such person was this nice lady I met in the university’s “diversity” center but I didn’t talk much with her because of the lack of interests, and that was probably my fault, because we got along on a personality and accommodating each other’s differences type of level. I'm also sure that possibly being autistic doesn't help my situation either.

 
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17 hours ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Oh, and I lost a lot of my religious friends after coming out as non-religious and intersex. Granted I was younger and a bit "in your face" about the non-religious thing, but the intersex thing was definitely a factor too.

That is dumb. Why would anyone stop being friends with a person just because they were born intersex? Bruh?! 

That is an excellent level of ignorance. I am dumbfounded. Sheesh!
 

I am sorry you have had to deal with this, Multicultural Farmer. I hope you get to make good friends and acquaintances soon, to make up for the ones you lost and do not have, and to deal with your loneliness. You will get to make friends here, soon, do not forget you are among those who are like you!

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7 hours ago, Storm_leopardcat said:

That is dumb. Why would anyone stop being friends with a person just because they were born intersex? Bruh?! 

That is an excellent level of ignorance. I am dumbfounded. Sheesh!
 

I am sorry you have had to deal with this, Multicultural Farmer. I hope you get to make good friends and acquaintances soon, to make up for the ones you lost and do not have, and to deal with your loneliness. You will get to make friends here, soon, do not forget you are among those who are like you!

Thanks @Storm_leopardcat.

 

Yeah it was my religious fundamentalist 'friend', who is a cisgender woman and her dad (to be fair her dad is the one who has inculcated the whole family with these dumb beliefs) who said that being around me after coming out as an intersex person means that they need to keep a barricade/distance from me and her. They believe in the segregation of genders (and think that gender = to sex) and since it's hard to categorize me there's no choice but for me to keep a distance both physically and in terms of friendship. I could mention which religion but I prefer not to do it on the forum, maybe I'll do it in DMs.

They have loosened up a bit, so I can at least give my friend a hug, but no more sleepovers and stuff. I was very forward about not really believing in religion, as I'm more agnostic and deist so I'm probably seen as a bad influence and my 'friend' can't really hang out with me much, though she kinda believes (at least a little) that I'm "bad" and "impure" for being born intersex, though I couldn't help it of course. We're never going to have the same level of closeness again though, sadly. And it sucks. It's really hard in my country to make friends when you're in your 20s and I face a lot of ethnic prejudices every day so outside of some old people I don't have a ton of friends.

Yeah I've been on Arocalypse since Dec. 31, 2020 lol and I just never used it much because I was obsessed with the idea of DMing people on reddit and penpal sites and using that to make friends, but it's a very inorganic way to make friends, not to mention many redditors are VERY VERY toxic and will ghost you if you have the slightest disagreement with them, and let's just say reddit is very homophobic, misogynistic, and all around prejudiced site (against Jews, Muslims, Asians). So it's probably for the best that the site didn't work out for me, though I went back a few times to chat again, due to extereme loneliness, and arocalypse used to be a lot less active. I should have investigated other sites but I was worried it would take a long time for people to start interacting with me closely. In 2023 I hope to use it much more and get closer to some people on here than I was in 2021 and 2022.

Though I'm not the target audience necessarily, reading feminist websites has helped a lot in unlearning some bad traits of mine and navigating a world that isn't created for intersex people like myself, especially with the variation that I have which is rare and often times fetishized and mocked. 

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On 12/30/2022 at 8:33 PM, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Hi there everyone. This is a rant, and I hope that some people can relate. I can't seem to make friends online, especially on penpal sites and reddit. I can't make many IRL because I'm stuck in one of those backwards rural areas at the moment (though I previously lived in a major urban area the first time I tried college), and a lot of people are just standoffish to me in general due to perceived androgynous-ness (due to being intersex) and my ethnic background.  I have lived in better rural areas but this one sucks, but I gotta be here for financial reasons (aka job loss). I'd like to have a QPR that involves sexual relations, but I'm okay with close friendships or QPRs without sex too. 

Eh, I'm sure my personality could be better and I could be better off at talking to people about more 'common interests' for people in their 20s like going to bars, dancing, pop music, etc. (there's not much of that here, but starting a new job in 2023 could at least help me to get to the bars and restaurants that have things going on but there's only two of those). I tend to only like intellectual topics as my personal interests, some outdoor activities, and I'm trying to get back into sports. 

But even online I guess because of the lack of shared activities (even in the virtual world), especially on penpal websites, it's hard to make long term friends and keep conversations going, because I think the barrier to having shared experiences is a lot higher. So I'm grateful to forums like this where I guess you can make conversation and acquaintances a bit more organically as opposed to "I would like someone to talk to about xyz interest and let’s hope we get along”

Oh, and I lost a lot of my religious friends after coming out as non-religious and intersex. Granted I was younger and a bit "in your face" about the non-religious thing, but the intersex thing was definitely a factor too.  I also have had to cut out many so-called acquaintances/friends that I made IRL while traveling who didn't really hit me up to talk or never really responded to messages. Previously I would have just tried to talk to them anyway, but I’m at the point where if someone doesn’t make an effort to converse with me regularly (and i dont want things to be one-sided cause so many interactions with people are that way) or accommodate my health issues or disabilities I don’t want to engage with them either. 

There were a few people I did make acquaintances/friends with the first time I tried college and did a summer of studying abroad, but, admittedly it was a dealbreaker that I always had to write messages and didn't get to talk verbally (the other person was not interested in that), cause, ugh, dyslexia is an irritating condition for sure. 

So I guess the conclusion of this is that I could be better with friends and the like, I have made some mistakes (like what I mentioned earlier), but also that there were some times when people talked to me but I used to, when I was slightly younger, only want to have friends that also had STEM and/or history as their absolute biggest interest and if people with other interests talked to me I wouldn’t talk to them much unless we saw each other in person. So yeah, could be that my desire to have friendships in a particular way limited me, though I'm sure being different as a result of my identities is another factor.

One such person was this nice lady I met in the university’s “diversity” center but I didn’t talk much with her because of the lack of interests, and that was probably my fault, because we got along on a personality and accommodating each other’s differences type of level. I'm also sure that possibly being autistic doesn't help my situation either.

 

@MulticulturalFarmer, I’m so sorry.

Five years of academic leave due to ill-health has sharpened loneliness beyond previous experience, and I’ve found it hard to think about my own loneliness for most of my life, so thank you very much for writing all of this - perhaps leading by example, if you don’t mind this idea, by sharing this with us here. Loneliness and its companions can have such a huge physical impact, so opening up as you do sounds so healthy.

When reading your words on shared interests, the idea of ‘cross-pollination’ comes to mind, and I wonder if it would suit you. With so many different passion and interests, the way another looks at the world, or their specific technical acumen, can lend such fresh perspectives to a question or to an idea, or introduce to you to new concepts which you can borrow metaphors or understanding from and trade insights from your favoured worlds in return.

On the other hand, knowing what delights you and wanting to share that is wondrous too, as you deep-dive into your element with others. Perhaps, in this vein, you might be the one to introduce someone to their next love (no-romo) and, even if a new friend doesn’t share your interests just yet, if they’re open to this and would like to learn more, perhaps, in time, you might share a whole heap of intellectual connections.

As one further small thing, I once heard the perspective that sharing “disposition is more important than shared interests”. At the time, I didn’t understand this at all, yet I think I’m beginning to (even if I disagree with the ’vs’ element of it). The above is fantastic, and melding as a team is golden. People can give each other so much, and this goes beyond all of this, scientific discipline and anything else that may differentiate us, preference-wise.

I wonder how you find being a friend to yourself, too. It sounds like you trust the choices you’ve made so far, yet our inner critic is a constant friend for many of us. I hope that we can relax into 2023 and towards being good to and for others. I, for one, would love to learn more about STEM and history (which are the best!) and I’d love to get (voice) penpal-ing!

@MulticulturalFarmer, I don’t know why I concentrated on one aspect when there’s so much to reflect on in your post. I can’t wait to read more thoughts from others about everything you’ve shared, whether that’s here or in future discussions about intersectionality!

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10 hours ago, the more the merrier said:

@MulticulturalFarmer, I’m so sorry.

Five years of academic leave due to ill-health has sharpened loneliness beyond previous experience, and I’ve found it hard to think about my own loneliness for most of my life, so thank you very much for writing all of this - perhaps leading by example, if you don’t mind this idea, by sharing this with us here. Loneliness and its companions can have such a huge physical impact, so opening up as you do sounds so healthy.

When reading your words on shared interests, the idea of ‘cross-pollination’ comes to mind, and I wonder if it would suit you. With so many different passion and interests, the way another looks at the world, or their specific technical acumen, can lend such fresh perspectives to a question or to an idea, or introduce to you to new concepts which you can borrow metaphors or understanding from and trade insights from your favoured worlds in return.

On the other hand, knowing what delights you and wanting to share that is wondrous too, as you deep-dive into your element with others. Perhaps, in this vein, you might be the one to introduce someone to their next love (no-romo) and, even if a new friend doesn’t share your interests just yet, if they’re open to this and would like to learn more, perhaps, in time, you might share a whole heap of intellectual connections.

As one further small thing, I once heard the perspective that sharing “disposition is more important than shared interests”. At the time, I didn’t understand this at all, yet I think I’m beginning to (even if I disagree with the ’vs’ element of it). The above is fantastic, and melding as a team is golden. People can give each other so much, and this goes beyond all of this, scientific discipline and anything else that may differentiate us, preference-wise.

I wonder how you find being a friend to yourself, too. It sounds like you trust the choices you’ve made so far, yet our inner critic is a constant friend for many of us. I hope that we can relax into 2023 and towards being good to and for others. I, for one, would love to learn more about STEM and history (which are the best!) and I’d love to get (voice) penpal-ing!

@MulticulturalFarmer, I don’t know why I concentrated on one aspect when there’s so much to reflect on in your post. I can’t wait to read more thoughts from others about everything you’ve shared, whether that’s here or in future discussions about intersectionality!

I really appreciated your post @themorethemerrier. I'm not sure where to start. I will say though, that before we do voice-penpalling, do you mind if we can write via text on this website (it's that I am not a fan of verbally talking to people I don't know well right away, despite having dyslexia)? If so feel free to send me a personal message.

I'm still thinking of a response, it will take me awhile to respond to all of that; honestly I didn't expect such an extensive reply. I'm also on the dyslexia spectrum too, so that's possibly a factor. 

Regardless, take care and look forward to interacting more :) 

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21 hours ago, the more the merrier said:

@MulticulturalFarmer, I’m so sorry.

Five years of academic leave due to ill-health has sharpened loneliness beyond previous experience, and I’ve found it hard to think about my own loneliness for most of my life, so thank you very much for writing all of this - perhaps leading by example, if you don’t mind this idea, by sharing this with us here. Loneliness and its companions can have such a huge physical impact, so opening up as you do sounds so healthy.

When reading your words on shared interests, the idea of ‘cross-pollination’ comes to mind, and I wonder if it would suit you. With so many different passion and interests, the way another looks at the world, or their specific technical acumen, can lend such fresh perspectives to a question or to an idea, or introduce to you to new concepts which you can borrow metaphors or understanding from and trade insights from your favoured worlds in return.

On the other hand, knowing what delights you and wanting to share that is wondrous too, as you deep-dive into your element with others. Perhaps, in this vein, you might be the one to introduce someone to their next love (no-romo) and, even if a new friend doesn’t share your interests just yet, if they’re open to this and would like to learn more, perhaps, in time, you might share a whole heap of intellectual connections.

As one further small thing, I once heard the perspective that sharing “disposition is more important than shared interests”. At the time, I didn’t understand this at all, yet I think I’m beginning to (even if I disagree with the ’vs’ element of it). The above is fantastic, and melding as a team is golden. People can give each other so much, and this goes beyond all of this, scientific discipline and anything else that may differentiate us, preference-wise.

I wonder how you find being a friend to yourself, too. It sounds like you trust the choices you’ve made so far, yet our inner critic is a constant friend for many of us. I hope that we can relax into 2023 and towards being good to and for others. I, for one, would love to learn more about STEM and history (which are the best!) and I’d love to get (voice) penpal-ing!

@MulticulturalFarmer, I don’t know why I concentrated on one aspect when there’s so much to reflect on in your post. I can’t wait to read more thoughts from others about everything you’ve shared, whether that’s here or in future discussions about intersectionality!

What font is this?

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